


Shape of You

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-10-24 18:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 67,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10747056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: Nesta hasn’t seen her sisters in almost a year. When she’s invited back to their lake house for a long weekend, Feyre insists she brings the boyfriend she’s told her about. The only problem is, he doesn’t exist.So out of desperation, her friend sets her up with Cassian. Somehow a weekend filled with fake hand holding and kisses, turns Nesta back into the girl she was before Tomas had destroyed her and the relationship she had with her sisters.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a lot of these fics lately and I really wanted to do my own.  
> So here's my attempt. I hope you enjoy =)

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck," I slammed my laptop shut as I threw my pen across the room. Of course my sisters would decide to have a start of summer weekend at the lake. And of course they would call me out for the lies I told them about the boy I met while here in the city.

It had been almost six months since I had last seen my sisters. I moved to the city as soon as I could, as soon as I found a job that would help me pay my half of the rent. I wanted out of that small town, I had to walk away before the memories, the ghosts haunted me forever. The city was my fresh start and even though neither of them understood, they let me go.

Feyre and I talked at least once a month on the phone. She kept asking me how I was doing and she told me that Tomas still asked about me. What she didn’t understand, even though I always changed the subject, was that I didn’t want to know about Tomas. I didn’t want to know about anyone in that small ass town because they were the reason why I left. The only reason I talked to Feyre was to check up on her and Elain.

They were the only family I had left. They were the only ones who mattered.

Sure I missed them. I missed my sisters, but it wasn’t enough to make me go visit home. I wasn’t homesick, I was content here in the city, in this new life I had made for myself. I loved my job at the bookstore. I loved the fact that I could walk everywhere and that things were open well into the night. But most of all I loved the fact that no one knew me. They didn’t know the secrets that had been whispered behind my back. They didn’t know how Tomas had tried to ruin me.

They didn’t know that he had almost won that war.

I read Feyre’s email again. Our lake house, the only thing our father had left to us. The lake house that had sat unused for years until we were old enough to realize the benefits of having that big house that sat right there at the water. The only reason we still owned it was because it was completely paid off. That and somehow Feyre and her fiancee were able to keep up with it.

The lake house where so many things had happened. So many things hadn’t happened too. There had been parties, there had been underage drinking. But mostly there had been tears. From me. 

I pushed away those memories and looked at my computer. What was I supposed to do? I had started the lie to make my sister feel better. For her to think I wasn’t all alone out here in the city. Because she didn’t understand that I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to be with someone who hurt me, who could destroy me. Not after I had been with Tomas for so long.

But I couldn’t tell her that truth. Not when I had fed her enough lies to make this boyfriend seem real. She was happy for me, she didn’t worry about me because she thought I had someone taking care of me. I didn’t need someone to take care of me. Just like I knew Feyre didn’t need her fiancee to take care of her. But it was nice knowing she had someone steady. She had someone real after the horrors that Tamlin had dealt her.

My sisters didn’t know about Tomas. They didn’t really know much about why I wanted to leave. It had been different when our parents died. I could’ve left and they would’ve understood. But I stayed until they were finished high school and then when Feyre announced she was getting married last year I up and left. I didn’t even say goodbye I just left a letter explaining I needed to find my own way now that they were both able to take care of themselves.

I pulled my hair hard, trying to stop the tears from filling my eyes. I didn’t cry, not easily. But I got teary eyed when I was frustrated. I couldn't tell them the truth. So what was I supposed to do? I squeezed my eyes shut and the door to my apartment opened.

“Fuck me this can’t be happening.”

"Nesta!" I jumped at Rita's voice, "you seem agitated.”

I met my roommate Rita at the bookstore. She was leaving for another job and I said something about needing a place to stay. We hit it off right away and I didn’t hate living with her. Sure our apartment was small, smaller than the home I had shared with my two sisters. But it was ours, I paid rent and I had my own room. Rita didn’t nag me about my mess and I didn’t nag her about hers.

We were good roommates. We got along and we left each other alone when we knew the other needed space. We were friends, but we were almost roommates. We didn’t get in each other’s business unless there was a reason to. I had gotten lucky. 

I groaned, "my sisters want to have a long weekend at the lake."

"Oh fun!"

"Not when you've been lying about having a boyfriend. And they want you to bring him along."

Rita laughed, "oh shit I forgot. Damn what are you going to do?"

I shook my head, "I'll think of something."

I leaned back in my chair and Rita watched me. She raised an eyebrow and smiled, "I might know someone who can help."

"No. The last guy you introduced me to was disgusting."

His name was Adam and he was a hipster to end all hipsters. His hair was dirty and his glasses were round. They didn't even have frames, and he spoke in riddles. I didn't even spend five minutes in his presence. I found an excuse to leave, I texted Rita and told her to call me, and up and left him high and dry at the coffee shop we met at.

Rita laughed, "I'm sorry okay. I thought you'd get along. But you'll like this one. Should I have him meet you? Even if he's not the brightest, he's easy on the eyes."

She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I couldn't help but laugh. I bit my lip, was I that desperate? 

“Really? Your advice is that I hire someone to be my boyfriend for the weekend?”

She shrugged as she set her bag on the counter, “it’s either that or tell them the truth, Nes. I’m not sure which is worse since you seem so opposed to letting your sisters believe you have someone in your life.”

I winced. Rita never told me what to do, she never scolded me for lying to my sisters. But I knew she was right. If I was so okay with being alone, and I swore I was, then why did I feel the need to please my little sister? I’m sure there was some therapist who would say I really wasn’t okay being alone and that some part of me wanted someone around.

But I wouldn’t believe them. Because I didn’t need anyone, I only needed myself. But I didn’t want my sisters to worry. I didn’t want them to think I left them because they were a burden. They are my sisters and I will always be there for them. But it’s my turn to have a life. It’s my turn to find where I’m supposed to be.

I looked at Rita, she was texting someone. She sat down on the couch and I looked at the picture of the three of us. The only picture I had on my desk of us when I was five and they were babies. I was always there, always taking care of them. They were my best friends, before that night drove us apart. Before that night pushed me so far away from everyone else that I couldn’t find my way back to them.

I didn’t want them to ask about it. I didn’t want them to think they needed to figure me out. If I had someone with me they would direct the attention to him. They would ask him about his life and how we met and what we did, instead of berating me with questions about why I left.

I let out a slow breath and Rita looked at me. She smiled slightly, like she already knew what I was about to say. My cheeks were red as I let the thoughts settle and I nodded my head slowly.

“Fine,” I gritted my teeth as I looked at the clock, "tell your friend to meet me at Luke's diner in five minutes."

“He’s already on his way. Trust me you’ll like him. He’s big and handsome,” her eyes got wide as if she had a crush on him herself, “he’s just your type.”

I rolled my eyes and stood up, “if he’s a hipster I swear to god I’ll kill you.”

Rita’s laugh followed me as I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I walked down the steps, my heart pounding as I opened the door to our building. The sun was warm, the weather had already started to turn to summer. But goosebumps pricked my skin as I thought about hiring someone to lie to my family.

It wasn’t lying. It was pretending. My sister would bring her fiancee, I’m sure Elain had someone. I couldn’t remember if she told me about someone important. His name started with an L? Or maybe it was a C. She didn’t talk much whenever Feyre put her on the phone, but she told me bits and pieces of her life. Elain was the most upset when they found me gone.

I felt guilty every time she called.

But I knew with Feyre came Rhys and with Rhys came his friends. Azriel the quiet one who followed Rhys’s cousin everywhere she went. Feyre told me they were finally opening up to the idea of dating and while I was happy for them all, they were one big happy family, I knew that meant I would be the odd one out. I always was the odd one out, the one who didn’t fit in. The girl who stood alone and never had someone there beside her.

I wanted this weekend, now that I knew about it, to be fun. I wanted them to see me as the Nesta I always was, not the girl I had turned into after that terrible night. The night I was running from. The night I would do anything and everything to forget.

I rubbed my hands up and down my arms as I rounded the corner and the diner came into view. I realized as I walked towards it that I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to the lake and see my sisters and the family they had made for themselves. But I didn’t want to go alone.

Sue me I still had some feelings. I still had some pride I suppose.

I walked into the diner and the bell above the door sounded. Luke, the owner, stood behind the counter and smiled at me. I nodded in greeting, my eyes sweeping the tables. I knew which one was waiting for me as soon as my eyes landed on him. I stood there for a moment too long and contemplated turning around. 

He was a big hulking man, his dark hair was long. He looked warm, his skin glowing in the harsh lights of the diner. His black shirt fit perfectly over his arms and his chest. He took up enough space that my eyes couldn’t wander away from them if they tried. My heart stopped, his eyes landing on me before I could make a run for it. Before I could decide this was a terrible choice and I should just tell my sisters the truth.

"Well hello sweetheart," he stood up and half his mouth tilted in a smile. He could've been attractive, if he cut his hair.

I pulled my chair out, "I'm Nesta."

He licked his lips, "you can call me Cassian," his eyes sparkled. Like they were hiding something he was dying for me to find out.

"Right well. I take it Rita told you why I'm here."

He coughed, "something about you being in need of a male escort to the lake this weekend."

I winced, "a friend," I tried wondering if I could go through with this, "to make my sisters stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend okay? Can you do that? Pretend?”

Amusement filled his eyes. He tried to fight the smile that tugged at his lips, but when it didn’t stop he ran his finger along his chin. He looked down at his hands and I could tell he was thinking about more than just agreeing to helping me. Hell we didn’t know each other, we had just met and I asked him to date me. Even if it was fake, even if he was helping me, this was still weird.

Me and my stupid pride. I was about to take back the offer and tell him to forget it, that I had a mental breakdown and this was all just the biggest embarrassing moment of my life.

But then Cassian nodded slowly, “you know I’m surprise you don’t have a boyfriend. You’re cute and I know a few guys who like bossy.”

I rolled my eyes, “wow that was super helpful,” I glared at him, my hands were shaking. I shoved them under my legs as I waited to hear his answer, “you can just say no. Rita said you were single and I thought maybe you’d want a free trip to the lake for a weekend. I thought maybe…”

I stopped. I almost thought we could be friends. But I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood, stopping myself form wishing for something I could never have. I didn’t let myself get close to people, not after Tomas wedged between me and my sisters. Not since that night when he destroyed all the threads of trust I had ever had.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t help you. I just said I’m surprised you aren’t taken,” he smiled then, he liked watching me squirm. He leaned back and stretched his arms over his head. His shirt rode up slightly and I saw the dark markings of a tattoo that disappeared beneath the waistband of his jeans.

“Cassian.”

He wiggled his eyebrows, “well how can I say no when you say my name like that?”

He watched me for a moment as relief flooded through me. As much as I hated this I felt better once he said he would help me. I hated having to lie because everyone thought I couldn't handle life without Tomas. Except I broke up with him. And I moved here, far away from my family to have the life I wanted. 

"What do I get for helping you?" He finally asked, his deep voice smooth as he propped his elbow on the table, then leaned his head on his hand. He kept staring at me and it felt like his honey brown eyes could see into my soul.

I looked down at his hands. His skin was golden, a little darker. He looked like he was carved of stone, like he could've been a Greek god in another lifetime. A piece of brown hair fell in his eyes and I wanted to push it back. I let out a breath. I hadn't thought this far.

"I'll pay you," I finally said. I didn't have a lot but I could do something, "it won't be much. But you'll get a four day weekend at the lake house. Meals and showers and everything included.”

Cassian seemed to think it over. He nodded his head, "how much?"

"$100."

"I know I look cheap, but I won't act like your boyfriend for a hundred dollars, Nesta."

"$200?"

He shook his head, "you'll have to do better than that."

I blew out a breath, "$500. That's my final offer."

He reached across the table and touched my hand. His skin was warm and a spark shot down my arm. He ran his thumb over the back of my hand, "well sweetheart you've got yourself a deal."

"Don't call me sweetheart," I snapped. My eyes narrowed. 

He laughed, "well I guess we should make some ground rules."

“The first one is no pet names. Nesta," I pointed at me, "Cassian. Got it?"

He sighed, "sure sweetheart.”

He wasn’t going to make this easy. I could tell as he continued to smile, his eyes lighting up as I glared at him. It was like he thought I was a challenge, like he wanted to defy everything I was saying. He licked his lips, his fingers tapping on the table as I thought through what other boundaries we needed to establish. I didn’t realize this would all happen so fast. The weekend would be here in two days and somehow I had managed to find myself a boyfriend to fill the empty role.

Feyre would love Cassian. He was everything I would never want in a boyfriend. He was the complete opposite of Tomas and I couldn’t stop letting that sway me. He was big and dark, whereas Tomas was small and light. Cassian was full of mystery, but not the kind that Tomas carried with him. Cassian seemed honorable, Tomas had just been pure evil.

I let out a slow breath and pulled my hands off the table so he wouldn’t try to touch me again. I couldn’t stop feeling that spark going down my spine. I couldn’t stop wondering why exactly I had wanted this in the first place. I shook my head and finally brought my eyes back up to his.

“Okay so I’ve got some rules. First we hold hands if someone else is in the room. No touching if we’re alone, because honestly there’s no reason for it. You’re there to make me look good. You can kiss my cheek, but nothing more. We aren’t big on public displays of affection. My sister and her fiancé are, but that’s another story,” I rolled my eyes. Feyre and Rhys could barely keep their hands off each other. I hated being stuck in a room with them.

My cheeks turned pink and my mouth went dry, “we will probably have to share a room, you sleep on the floor. We don’t share the room if the other is changing. Make sure you bring enough clothes to sleep in and a bathing suit.”

Cassian nodded, "fine. But you want this to be believable. So you're forgetting one thing."

"What?"

He smiled and it would've knocked me to my knees if I wasn't already sitting. I had a feeling I wasn't going to make it through the weekend alive. I had a feeling this new friend of mine was going to try and climb the walls I had built this last year. Like he thought he could break down the shell I had surrounded myself inside.

HIs brown eyes danced as he looked at me, his crooked smile in place, ”the story of how we met."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in love with this story. I can't wait to get further in and surprise you guys =)

We spent an hour hammering out the details. We got the story down, both of us telling it without faltering. He was right, that would be the leading story, the thing everyone kept asking us once we got to the house. So we made it real, believable considering I didn’t do anything but work and sleep. So we met at the book store, which of course would’ve been oh so romantic if I truly believed in romance.

As we sat there and talked I realized that Cassian wasn't horrible. I could’ve been his friend, before everything happened. Before I closed myself off. I could’ve laughed at his corny jokes and his stupid comments. I might have even been interested in him if the world hadn’t hardened me into this girl I barely recognized.

Cassian was actually sweet and charming. I had to remind myself a few times that he wasn't actually my boyfriend.

The waitress told us we were cute when she brought the check. Luke watched us the entire time, especially whenever Cassian would reach across the table and touch me. I didn’t fight it, I let his skin touch mine to get used to it. I had a feeling he was going to push the PDA things. I could already see how much of a challenge this was going to be.

“See the waitress already believes us,” he said as he paid for my coffee and his piece of cake. I fought him, I told him I could pay for my own food. But he told me it was the least he could do since he was about to making more money than he should’ve off of me.

We were standing outside the diner, awkwardly wondering how to say goodbye. I sighed loudly and then stood up straighter. I had let a bubble surround us while we were sitting at that table. Somehow I had forgotten my walls and Cassian’s charm and infuriating laugh got to me. I pushed it away and put up my guard once more.

“Okay so, I’ll pick you up Thursday morning at seven. It's like a three hour drive," I stood up and rolled my neck, "oh and uh. I know we just met. But thanks. You didn’t have to agree to this and I really. I really appreciate it.”

He gave me that crooked smile again, "don't worry Nesta. I'll make sure they believe you. You’ll get your money’s worth, even if I have to preform a ballad in your honor.”

I nodded, “right well be ready. We can’t be late.”

He gave me a wink and then we walked the opposite direction. I shook my head, my sisters would never believe I fell for someone as cocky and self assure as Cassian. And yet somehow it seemed to work. He was a pain in the ass, I could already tell. But there was something that made him likable. Something I would never admit to him. Not in a million years.

Maybe Rita wasn’t so terrible at picking them after all.

Again something I wouldn’t be telling her that anytime soon.

*-*

Thursday morning I showed up at seven on the dot and much to my surprise Cassian was ready. He was waiting in his driveway, wearing a hoodie and a dark pair of jeans. And sunglasses that hide his honey brown eyes from me. When I got out of my car to help him, I couldn’t help but laugh. He had three bags, whereas I only had one. He threw them into my trunk, surprised I was driving.

“Did you bring your entire closet for four days?” I asked as I fixed the bags so nothing would be sticking at a weird angle.

He shrugged, “I like options and I come prepared. What if we decide we need nice clothing's for an outing? Or what if I rip something? What if you stain something?”

I rolled my eyes, “right so you’re one of those people. I’m making a list. Over planning is on it,” I glanced at him as he watched me, “we’re going to spending most of the time in our bathing suits anyways. I hope you brought a few of those.”

His answering smile, even at this hour of the day, was gorgeous. He knew it too, because he watched me turn away as soon as it appeared, “don’t worry, I brought a few. But I’ve always been a fan of skinny dipping.”

I rolled my eyes, the second time in less than a minute. I had a feeling they would be stuck soon, “cocky and arrogant are actually making it to the top two spots on my list now,” I looked at him and he was still smiling.

“Well I haven’t started my list yet, darlin’. I guess we've got three hours to get to know each other," he yawned and took a sip of coffee, "first things first. I have to have coffee in the morning."

I looked at the cup in his hand and I couldn’t stop myself from answering his smile with one of my own, "of course you do. I didn't take you for a morning person."

He gave me that devil smile, "you don't look too chipper yourself there, Nes."

"It's seven in the morning. Of course I'm not chipper," I slammed the trunk shut and spun around on my heel, "and it's Nesta. I told you no fucking nicknames."

He wiggled his eyebrows as he got into the car, "yes ma'am."

"I'll take away $50 every time you call me something other than Nesta."

Cassian's smug smile made me want to scream, "it might just be worth it. You get this angry look on your face, you scrunch your nose and you glare. Honestly it's the most emotion you show whenever you talk to me."

I flipped him off, "because I hate nicknames okay? Just don't."

Cassian blew out a breath and let the conversation go.

We sat in silence until we made it to the highway. The music played softly in the background and I wondered what it would be like to actually go on a vacation like this with someone I truly loved. Someone I actually wanted my sisters to meet. I tried to pretend that was Cassian. 

But it was hard since I didn't know much about him.

My mind wandered back to Feyre's second email. I told her I would be at the lake house by this afternoon. Her response was almost instantaneous like she was waiting for me to email her back. She said she had a very important announcement to make and she wanted me there.

"Nesta. You missed the exit," Cassian's voice cut through my thoughts. 

"I know a different way."

I didn't. But I wasn't about to let him tell me the way to the house I had practically grown up in. I'd just take the next exit and hope to find the highway connected there as well.

I was grinding my teeth as I hit the gas pedal a little harder. I held the wheel in my left hand and tried to stop wondering if my sister was pregnant. Or worse if she had done something as crazy as gotten married already. I'd kill her if she hadn't told me that was the plan.

If I stopped thinking about Feyre I started thinking about Cassian. I stole glances at him. He was wearing his dark ray ban sunglasses, the aviators. Of course he would wear those. His hair was pulled back, but a few strand sat around his face. He was snoring softly, which made it easier to focus on assessing him.

I could've picked a worse fake boyfriend. Cassian had the looks and the charm. If he didn't have the job then we would just pretend he did too. After all this entire weekend would be one big lie fest. I sighed and took the next exit, getting back on where the GPS told me to.

I drove for almost an hour and a half while Cassian slept. My thigh burned and my back ached. But the worst of it all was the grumbling in my stomach. I bit my lip and looked at my boyfriend. I had to get used to thinking of him that way. Slowly I reached over and shook his shoulder.

"What? Oh sorry," he jumped in his seat, "did I fall asleep?"

I couldn't help but laugh, "yeah. I um. I'm starving are you hungry? We can stop somewhere for breakfast."

"A woman after my own heart," he reached over and grabbed my hand, "please find a diner. I love diner food."

I looked at our hands, noting the way he didn't let go. Instead he kept ahold of mine, running his thumb over the back of my hand gently. I smiled slightly, trying to tear down at least one layer that guarded me against him. 

After a moment of silence Cassian looked at me. I held the steering wheel tighter. "What's your favorite color?"

"That's what you're wondering? Out of everything we need to talk about that's what your start with?"

He shrugged, "the little things matter the most. What if I bring you a towel in your favorite color? Everyone will believe it. Start small and the big things won't look as weird."

I rolled my eyes mostly because he was right. I sighed and pushed my hair out of my face, "green. But don't like light green. It's a dark green. Like grass in the summer."

Cassian smiled, "I'm fond of blue. But not any blue, steel gray blue."

I raised an eyebrow at him and then looked back at the road. I pulled off at the first sign that showed food and we found ourselves at a twenty four hour truck stop. Cassian held the door for me, his hand lingering on the small of my back. I pushed my sunglasses up onto my head as the waitress sat us at a booth beside the big window.

"So you work at a bookstore. What's your favorite book?"

"The ultimate question of every book lover ever," I let out a slow breath, "I have a lot of favorite books. I love fantasy. Give me dragons and demons and I’ll be happy. I love anything that has a girl who can save herself. I love a good plot, a good story."

His eyes held mine, "but you have a favorite."

I couldn't help but smile, "if I'm held at gunpoint and have to answer it would be Throne of Glass. But trust me the list is very long."

Cassian was quiet as he let me ramble. His eyes were wide, "that's the most excited I've seen you get."

I blushed, "I mean I work at a bookstore for next to nothing. Clearly I love books. I um. Yeah I just like to talk about books."

Cassian nodded, his fingers dangerously close to mine, "I'm a fan of fantasy myself. If I had to choose I would sway towards a good old classic like lord of the rings. The hobbit. Maybe some game of thrones."

My mouth fell open as the waitress interrupted us, "what can I get you to drink?"

"Coffee, black," Cassian's answer was automatic.

I sighed, "water please."

She nodded and then walked away. I looked back at Cassian. He was smiling, "you seem surprised."

"Rita made it seem like you didn't have any other interests than girls," I blushed as he kept smiling, "and from the way you look I assumed you spent all your time at the gym. Or staring in a mirror."

Cassian barked out a laugh at that. "Well sweetheart, I'm full of surprises."

I considered for a moment telling him about my dream. I didn't want to just work at a bookstore. I wanted my own. Or better yet I wanted my own bookstore featuring my own book. That was a dream that came after I left the town we were heading to. A dream born out of desperation for something new. Something completely mine.

But I didn't tell him, not yet. I still wasn't sure I would consider him my friend. There had to be a line drawn somewhere right? I couldn't cross it, this was a business arrangement. Nothing more, nothing less.

The waitress came back and gave us our drinks. Cassian fished an ice cube out of my glass for his coffee and then we each ordered. I got waffles and eggs, Cassian picking an omelet and pancakes. 

"Okay so favorite book. Favorite movie? I'm a big animation fan. I love How to Train your Dragon and Big Hero 6."

I raised an eyebrow at him, "I have a nephew. So sue me."

I nodded, "I don't really watch a lot of movies. I like shows. Gilmore Girls. Buffy. Firefly. I'm just a closet nerd."

Cassian looked amused, "I like it. It's always the quiet deadly ones who look innocent that surprise you. Alright so what else should I know before the big introduction?"

"Well I'm sure they'll be thrilled to give you all the embarrassing baby stories. So I don't have to. Um. I like jewelry but old jewelry. So if they ask just say that. My feet get really cold when I sleep, so you can complain that I press them against you. I love to swim," my eyes lit up just thinking about four days at the lake with nothing to worry about.

Cassian was soaking up every word it seemed. I blushed, realizing I had told him more about me than I needed to, "what about you?"

He shrugged, "I like to read, I hangout with friends. I drink. I don't have a lot of hobbies, work keeps me busy."

"Work. Yes what do you do?" I asked causally. 

"I run a gym."

This time I laughed, "of course you do. I shouldn't be surprised."

Cassian's answering smile told me he wasn't offended, "it's been in my family for years. It's good money and I'm my own boss. Plus I train people. It's not a regular gym though, it's a boxing gym."

"Do you train girls?"

"Of course."

I worried the inside of my cheek watching him watch me. I hadn't been able to protect myself that night. It had been dark and I couldn't see and Tomas had the upper hand. He had been stronger, he had been faster. Maybe Cassian was the answer I had been looking for.

"Who hurt you?" He asked softly. 

His voice was so quiet I barely heard it over the pounding of my heart. His fingers finally found mine. The moment he touched me I felt myself come back to reality. 

I let him take my hand, the warmth spreading through me and chasing away the nightmare that had come. I let out a slow breath and pushed down the tears. I shook my head, afraid to speak for a moment. I had to put the wall back up. I had to force myself to stop letting him in.

Because once he found a crack in my armor he would hurt me the same way Tomas had. He would use me and then rip what was left of my bruised heart into pieces I could never put back together again.

"No one," I whispered as I sat up straighter, "we don't have to always touch, Cassian. It'll be weird if we do. My sisters know I'm not very.... big on cuddling."

Cassian picked my hand up and kissed the back of it, "well get used to it sweetheart. Because when I'm dating someone, I want everyone to know."

Our food came and Cassian pulled away. The waitresses smiled and we started eating in silence. After the first bite Cassian reached over and took a piece of waffles. I glared at him, hitting his hand with my fork.

"I don't share."

His eyes sparkled as he put the food in his mouth, "well lucky for you, sweetheart, I do."

I stuck my tongue out at him and he laughed again. The sound was so foreign to me. It was deep and rich, like it came up from deep inside his soul. Like he saved it only for the important people in his life.

Somehow we fell into conversation again. No matter how hard I tried not to, Cassian could make laugh with every story he told. And he told me a lot of stories. By the time breakfast was over I felt like I actually knew him.

Cassian paid again. I grumbled and insisted I leave the tip. I didn't want his charity and he rolled his eyes, telling me this entire weekend seemed like a charity case to him. I stuck my tongue out again, childish I know. But I had nothing else to get him back with.

When we stood up to pay at the counter, he grabbed my hand. I didn't flinch, I didn't falter. I let him hold my hand, his fingers lacing through mine. Twenty four hours ago I would've hated this. And yet somehow I was letting myself buy into our story. 

I made a mental note to remind myself not to lose reality. But for the moment, for the next four days I wanted to believe in us, in this, as much as I wanted my sisters to believe in it too.

Maybe this weekend wouldn't be terrible. Maybe, just maybe I had found someone who could make my sisters believe there was someone out there willing to love someone as hard and cold as me.


	3. Chapter 3

Feyre was waiting on the porch when we pulled into the driveway. After breakfast Cassian had somehow talked me into letting him drive the rest of the way. It felt good to sit and watch the trees, I was taken back to all the years I spent in the passenger seat anticipating our annual trip to the lake house. It was the only time we felt like a real family, when we spent our time together swimming and laughing.

That all stopped when our mother died. We lost a lot when our mother finally gave into her illness. In a way our father had become a stranger, we had lost him too. It was just the three of us, banded together in order to keep some semblance of a family.

Feyre came running down the walk and I smiled as she ran right into me. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me only the way a little sister could. Tight and long, as if she thought she was enough to put me back into the girl she had once known. The girl she didn’t even realize was gone.

I hugged her back, “hey little sis.”

She pulled away to look at me. She touched my cheek, the same gesture my mother used to do so long ago. I couldn’t believe how much she looked like her. Feyre was our mother’s spitting image as well as her twin. She had the same gestures, the same everything. And she had been the youngest, she couldn’t remember much about the woman who never got to raise her.

“Nesta you look good,” she said softly running her thumb along my cheek, “I can’t believe how much I missed you, big sis.”

I laughed, fighting off tears, “yeah well you’ll be tired of me by the end of this weekend I’m sure. Where’s your other half?”

She nodded towards the porch where Rhys stood, “he figured we needed our own moment. But he’s happy you came. We both are.”

“What’s the big announcement?”

“Oh no,” she watched as Cassian came around the car holding all his bag and mine, “that is a conversation I’m saving for dinner. Now introduce me to this mystery boyfriend you’ve been hiding from me for the last few months.”

Cassian gave her that charming smile, not the one crooked one he had been giving me. I watched as he held out his hand and something twisted inside my chest. Like he saved all that charm and sass for me. I shook my head, I was letting myself get carried away again. He was being the boyfriend, he was playing the part.

“You must be Feyre. I’ve heard so much about you,” he glanced at me as she took his hand and then pulled him in and hugged him tightly, “I see Nesta does not get her aversion to hugs from you.”

My sister laughed as she pulled back, “she doesn’t get anything from me or our mother for that matter. Nesta is her own brand of different. I’m so excited to meet you, no one has been able to settle Nesta since Tomas. And well,” she glanced at me and I felt my jaw tense, “I have to say you’re a big step up from the boy next door.”

Cassian’s brown eyes held mine. He noticed how stiff I went at the mention of my former boyfriend. I let out a breath and grabbed my bag, “let’s go inside.”

Rhys met us at the door, “hey trouble,” he greeted me as he took my bag and slung it over his shoulder, “Ferye is really glad you came. She hasn’t been this excited in a while. Not since you left.”

I offered him a small, forced, smile, “I know. I’ve missed her too, Rhys. I’m sorry if I hurt her. If you had to pick up any pieces I left behind.”

He shook his head, “no apology needed, Nesta. You have a life too and well I’ve got Feyre. I’ve always got Feyre.”

Cassian came up behind me and I could feel the warmth from his chest as he looked at my sister’s fiancée. Rhy’s bright blue purple eyes looked at the brute who towered over me, “Rhys this is my boyfriend,” the word stuck in my mouth, “Cassian. Cassian this is my sister’s future husband, Rhysand.”

“Everyone calls me Rhys,” he said as he shook Cassian’s hand. The males were staring at each other as if they were sizing the other up, “we’ve met before, haven’t we?”

Cassian’s hair had fallen out of the strap that had been holding it back. I watched as he looked at the dark haired male that had been in my life for as long as I could remember. It was always Ferye and Rhys, never anyone else. Well there had been Tamlin, but he was another story.

“I don’t think so. Anyways it’s nice to meet you. Is there somewhere I can set all these bags? They’re kind of heavy.”

Cassian grabbed my hand as if he had forgotten the part he was playing. Or he wanted Rhys to stop trying to figure out who he was, why he seemed to think he knew him. Either way it felt good to feel his callouses against my palm. It reminded me that for once my sister wasn’t going to spend the entire weekend asking me the same question she always did.

“Right this way,” Feyre said taking us up the stairs and walking us towards the bedroom at the end of the hallway. The old room I had always picked whenever we came up here. I smiled as she opened the door and then stepped aside so we could get through the doorway.

I stopped short of setting my bag down. I had forgotten that this was the room with the double bed. The smallest bed in the house, it sat in the middle of the very girly, very close room. I let out a slow breath and looked around. It still smelled the same, it took me back to all those nights ago.

I closed my eyes and pushed those memories away again. Cassian squeezed my fingers as he set his bags down and then my sister’s voice pulled me back into this moment. I had to find a way to live through this weekend without the memories taking me. Without the memories weighing me down.

"You two got here last so I um. Hope you don't mind the bed," Feyre blushed as she looked at our hands, "I'm sure you'll be fine thought right?"

Cassian smirked. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. Feyre looked as shocked as I felt at the move, "this is fine. Nesta and I might not live together, but we've had plenty of sleepovers."

I smacked his shoulder, which they both thought was playful. But it wasn't and I saw him wince. I squeezed his arm and my sister smiled. It would’ve been weird if I didn’t hit him for touching me. But even though I did, he didn’t let me go. Again I saw the surprise cross my sister’s face.

She smiled, as if she was witnessing the proud moment of someone finally matching my fire. It was like she actually thought Cassian could be someone I would settle with. Someone who could be my version of her Rhys. And maybe, in another life where there wasn’t pain and ghosts haunting me, I might have believed that he could be too.

But this was my life and that was never going to happen.

"Well then you two get settled. Rhys is making dinner and I think Elain and Mor are outside. I'm so glad you came Nesta," Feyre hugged me again. It was awkward because Cassian wouldn't let me go, "we miss you."

I offered her a small smile as Cassian’s hands went to my hips, "yeah. I miss you guys too. We'll come down to help with dinner after we've gotten everything together."

My sister left and I pulled away from Cassian. I poked his chest, "you know the rules," I pushed harder, my finger imprinting on his skin, "keep the innuendos and your hands to yourself."

His eyes flashed, "we're a couple Nesta. Your sister thinks we sleep together. It has to look real right?"

I sighed, "you're insufferable."

He laughed and for a moment the anger dissolved. Because Cassian's laugh was deep and vibrant. It was beautiful and I never wanted it to stop. His laugh shook his entire body and I leaned towards him. It was the antidote to my pain, it was the sound I wanted to carry with me for the rest of my life. His laughter was bright and full of life.

I wanted to bottle it up and save it for a rainy day.

I pulled away when I realized I was still touching him. His brown eyes met mine and his laughter faded. The humor was replaced with something else. Something I hadn't seen even when we met at the diner.

"I'll break you," he whispered as we stood there, alone in our room. His hands were still on my hips and I shivered because his breath was so close to my neck.

"Oh yeah?" I asked as he pushed me against the wall. I smiled as his lips hovered near mine. Then when he thought he had gotten to me and his eyes fluttered closed, I brought my knee up between his legs. I watched the pain cross his face as my knee connected with his pride.

Cassian let out a grunt, pulling backwards as he all but fell over from my kick. I laughed as his face turned red and he held his hands against his crotch. 

"Well sweetheart," his normally deep voice was strained, "I can see why no one has tried to settle you.”

I stepped over him, “I’m going to get a shower.”

I shut the bathroom door, thankfully we had gotten the small room, but the bathroom was connected to it. We didn’t have to share with the others. I let out a breath and looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through this weekend without falling apart. 

I got a quick shower, the warm water felt wonderful against my skin. After being stuck in a car for over four hours I felt disgusting. I rolled my shoulders and washed my hair, singing along to the radio that was playing. Once I was done I dried myself off and then changed into fresh clothes. It felt good to be out of that car.

I squeezed the water out of my hair, watching in the mirror as the curls came back to life. Then I wrapped the towel around my hair and sat it on top of my head. I dried off my face and then decided I had avoided Cassian for long enough.

Steam billowed out into the bedroom when I opened the door. Cassian looked up and his eyes went wide. Slowly a smile appeared on his face as his eyes went up and then down my body. His eyes were bright with amusement when they landed on mine again. I let out a huff, wondering what in the world he found so interesting about me now.

“What?” I asked throwing my dirty clothes in a pile beside my duffel bag. I’d figure out a system for them later.

He shook his head, “nothing,” he answered, his eyes still bright as he rubbed his hand over his knee as if his manhood was still in pain. Good let him remember exactly how much pain I could inflict upon him and little Cassian. Maybe then he’d stop being such an arrogant ass. I smirked, watching him shift as if he was trying to get more comfortable. 

“You should get a shower before all the hot water is used. Plus Feyre and Rhys will not be happy if we are late to dinner. It’s like his favorite thing, having everyone at the table to eat.”

Cassian stood up as I unwrapped my hair. It fell down to my shoulders and I didn’t see him as he reached up and grabbed a strand. I yelped as he pulled it and I spun around, slapping his arm.

“Hey!”  
He had that half smile, the one that was making me soft on his face, “your hair. It’s curly.”

I rolled my eyes, he was like a child seeing Santa for the first time as he kept staring at the wild curls that sat on my head. I couldn’t help but laugh myself, “yes. I straightened it the other day. It’s usually like this.”

He just stood there staring at me like we had never met before. He watched as i took my fingers and scrunched the hair to make the curls bounce. In another time, if I was still the girl I was before, I would’ve found him cute. Watching me in awe as he realized my hair wasn’t straight and that he was seeing my natural state for the first time. But it wasn’t cute, because we weren’t actually together. I clenched my hand in a fist and reminded myself once again that Cassian wasn’t supposed to mean anything to me.

“I like it,” he breathed as I put some products in to tame the frizz that it usually turned into here in the heat, “it’s wild. Like you.”

I blushed, letting out a startled laugh. I wanted to say thank you, I should’ve let it go. But I wasn’t that girl and I was hard and this was getting to be too much. I brought my eyes up in the mirror and looked at Cassian.

“Okay, you’re laying it on a little thick, I told you only put on a show when others are around. It’s just you and me, you don’t have to act like we’re actually a couple right now.”

Cassian dropped my hair and stepped back, his face falling. I knew I had hit a mark, I thought I had been intending to hurt him. I wanted to keep reminding him until he knew that this wasn’t real. But watching the amusement die from his beautiful brown eyes, his face falling from that mischievous smile to the look he was giving me now, it hurt. And I hated knowing I was the reason it had happened.

“Well I thought we were at least friends,” his deep voice was soft. He sounded like he was trying to keep the hurt out of his voice.

I shrugged, “right now you’re just my employee. Remember I’m paying you to be here.”

He nodded, his shoulders tight, his hands balled up in fists beside him, “got it. Thanks for the oh so gentle reminder, Nesta. I’m just something to look good on your arm.”

He went into the bathroom before I could even consider feeling guilty. I looked at my reflection and I realized how awful I was. Maybe this was the reason I was single. Because I was cold and had closed myself off after Tomas forced me into the middle of a game I didn’t want to play.

I should’ve apologized, but I knew that if I could at least find a way to apologize to my sisters first, then maybe I could find the girl who was worthy of even looking at someone like Cassian. Maybe I could find the girl I had been once before, after I told Feyre and Elain the truth.

I finished getting ready as Cassian sang loudly in the shower. I pulled my shoes on as the water shut off and I sat down on the bed. I let out a slow breath, thinking of ways I could apologize to Cassian. It was true we weren’t actually friends. But that didn’t mean I could treat him like nothing more than scum on the bottom of my shoe.

When Cassian came out I looked up, his hair was dripping on his shoulders and his chest was bare. I couldn’t help but stare for a moment, until he grabbed a shirt and put it on. Of course he looked good, he owned a gym and trained people in kick boxing. He was made of muscle, and for a moment the room lost all air.

“Like what you see, sweetheart?”

I blushed, “no. Look I’m sorry Cassian,” I stood up and forced myself to look into his eyes, “I mean, we aren’t friends. At least not yet. But I shouldn’t have been so rude. Sometimes I speak before I realize what I’m saying and it comes out as cold and callous. I’m sorry, okay?”

He threw his dirty clothes down and looked at me. His lips twitched as if he was fighting a smile. He sighed, “you don’t strike me as someone who apologizes a lot. Should I be flattered?”

I rolled my eyes, “sure, but I think you’re better at flattering yourself, sweetheart.”

He laughed, a short sound that still made my heart flutter, “it’s fine Nesta. I understand that we really don’t know each other. I’m helping you and in a way you’re helping me. But if I play the part when no one is around, then I’ll play it even better when they are okay?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as he stepped towards me, “I guess that makes sense. Just. I don’t know, don’t be so corny. Seriously I would never date someone as full of themselves as you.”

He laughed again, “oh Nesta. You’d be surprised how many girls have fallen for my charm.”

“And yet here I stand. Still not falling for any of it.”

He smiled as he took another step towards me. I didn’t realize he was so close until his fingers brushed under my chin and he forced my eyes up to meet his. That crooked smile was back, I was starting to think he saved it for me. Which was crazy, because we had just established that we didn’t know each other.

“I see you Nesta Acheron. I don’t think anyone else does, but I do.”

My mouth went dry and his eyes bore into mine. It was like he was staring straight into my soul, like he was seeing every single piece of me that I never wanted to show anyone. I shivered, his eyes landing on my lips for a spilt second before his hand dropped back down to his side.

The room was filled with tension, or something I couldn’t quiet understand. I turned away from him and looked out the window. I forced myself to forget the feeling of his skin against mine, or the way he had looked at me.

“I’ll find some more blankets for you after dinner.”

Cassian nodded but didn’t smile this time. The light was gone from his eyes, from his face. I didn’t like knowing that he was still wounded from what I had said. Which was something I had never felt before. I had never been remorseful whenever I hurt someone. Usually it felt good to make them feel the way I always did. But this was new, and I wanted it to stop. This man, this brute of a man was trying to turn me into someone I wasn’t sure I was ready to be.

“So,” I asked killing time before we had to go down to the firing squad. I mostly wasn’t ready to see Elain yet, “why don’t you have a girlfriend? I mean. You clearly see why I don’t.”

He shrugged, as if it didn’t matter, “I love the gym too much. I spend all my time there and it never sits well with whoever I’m seeing. Some people seem to think I’m too soft,” his eyes met mine, “but I mean. If and when I find the right girl, it’ll just stick. It’ll just work.”

I offered him a small smile, a real smile, “I like that. And trust me Cassian, there’s nothing wrong with being soft. Sometimes the hard edges, they keep me safe, but what they forget to tell you is that they keep anyone from getting in too.”

A small smile tugged at his lips, “who knows. Maybe I’ll rub off on you this weekend.”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

We smiled at each other, coming to some sort of awkward agreement. The room fell quiet until my sister opened the door. Feyre smiled as she watched Cassian tap my chin. It was a cute moment for her to find us in, one that would be normal between any other couple.

And yet my cheeks burned as she cleared her throat, “yay, you guys are dressed. Dinner is ready! Let’s go.”

Cassian walked behind me as we followed Feyre out into the hallway. I could smell dinner from here and my stomach grumbled, I was starving. We had eaten breakfast so long ago now. I felt Cassian’s warmth behind me as Feyre went down first. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and then turned to look up at me.

"Oh Nesta guess who I invited for dinner!" Feyre sounded extra cheerful, as if I had a friend I had forgotten about.

I stopped on the steps, staring down at my sister, ready to ask who, but when the door opened the air rushed out of my lungs. My heart stopped and time seemed to freeze in that moment. Cassian's eyes stayed on me as I tried to stop the bile that rose in my throat.

My entire body was in panic mode. Because standing there at the bottom of the stairs was the last person I had ever wanted to see, wearing the same sick smile he had branded me with that night almost two years ago.

Cassian reached for my hand as Tomas tipped his head, "welcome home, Nesta.”


	4. Chapter 4

If Elain hadn’t squealed the moment she saw me time would’ve stood still. Because the moment I saw him standing there, with that stupid grin on his face, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think or feel or do anything but stare at the monster who had taken so much away from me. But then my middle sister broke the tension, she broke through the panic and grabbed me tightly, pulling me away from the boy who haunted my dreams.

It took me a full heartbeat to make it to the bottom of the stairs. When I did my middle sister came running towards me, oblivious to the fact that at this very moment I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think past the evil bastard smiling that disgusting smile at me.

But then it all faded when Elain wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me tightly as Cassian let go of my hand. His eyes were on Tomas, who was smiling at me. No he was smirking, as if he knew exactly what his presence was doing to me. As if he was remembering that night long ago when he had hurt me beyond repair.

Elain let me go and I stepped backwards, but thankfully Cassian grabbed my waist before I could stumble over my own feet and fall down. He was a steady force behind me, his hands warm against my skin.

“Nesta!” Elain was smiling at me, I realized only seconds had passed since Tomas had walked in. I looked at my sister and tried to focus on her. She looked so good, so happy and healthy it killed me to know I hadn’t been home in six months. 

“Hey E,” there were tears in my eyes as I looked at her. She was so grown up, they both were. Then again we all had to grow up before we were ready. Since our father had never been there for us. 

Cassian stayed close to me, his body stiff, his eyes on Tomas. Tomas watched us, and for whatever reason it didn’t affect me while Cassian was there. It wasn’t that same air crushing moment as when he appeared. 

“I’m so glad you’re here Nes, and you brought your new boyfriend. Feyre and I have been so excited to meet him. Gosh he’s so handsome.”

Leave it to Elain to break all the tension in the room. Cassian gave her his most charming smile, reaching an arm around me and offering her his hand, “I’m Cassian. You must be Elain, I’ve heard so much about you. About you both, Nesta really does love her sisters.”

She took to him fast. She shook his hand and her eyes were wide as she felt the muscle behind his shake. He stepped around me, I gave him a nod letting him know it was okay, and then offered her his arm. They walked into the dining room together and I followed close behind. I wouldn’t be left alone with Tomas. I refused to be left alone with him.

Cassian pulled Elain’s chair out for her and then he came around and pulled mine out before taking the seat to my right. I nodded at Rhys, who was watching us the same way he had been when we arrived. Everyone seemed to be watching us as if we were the most interesting entertainment they had ever had.

“So,” Mor clapped her hands as everyone served themselves, “how did Nesta meet someone as sweet and good-looking as you?”

Cassian didn’t even take a moment to breathe. He launched into the story we had decided on during our first meeting. His smile never faltered, his hands moving with every word.

"I was working and it was raining outside. I was at the door fixing the books and the doors opens and this guy comes in. He shakes his head like a dog and gets water everywhere. I turned around to yell at him.”

I paused and let out a breath. Of course we would start this before the food was even on our plates. Cassian smiled, I decided it would be better for him to tell the rest of the story, then I could clean up whatever he let slip out.

Cassian laughed, and grabbed my hand. He laced his fingers through mine on the table, "she said 'you know the books don't want to get wet either you big brute.' And I couldn't even find a response. Because when I looked own at this tiny girl with these big gray blue eyes yelling at me, I just thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever met."

I rolled my eyes. He was laying it in thick, "long story short he started stalking me. He figured out my schedule and waited in the cafe when I got to work and when I was done. He wouldn't leave me alone until I went on a date with him."

Cassian kissed my cheek, his lips brushed against the corner of mine. His hand grabbed mine from under the table, "and you finally gave in. Look at us now. I'm meeting the infamous Acheron sisters I've heard so much about."

He was good. Feyre and Elain were sold. Rhys was smiling and Mor had tears in her eyes. Tomas was glaring, like he thought he still had some sort of hold on me. I leaned into Cassian, trying to get away from his glare.

"You two are adorable. Finishing each other's sentences," Mor touched Azriel's arm, "they're perfect for each other."

Feyre sighed, "anyone who can stand more than five minutes enduring her anger is a hero in my books. I can't believe you've made it three months Cassian. You are a true man, my friend."

Cassian’s hand was still warm as the attention finally got away from us. Everyone started to share new among each other. I listened and nodded, trying as hard as I could to stop my eyes from wandering back to Tomas. I could feel him watching, I could feel his eyes burning a hole through me.

His eyes were glued to our hands. For the first time since I had gotten myself into this mess, I was glad I had brought Cassian along. I felt better, stronger, more sure of myself beside him than I would’ve if I had shown up here alone. It was nice to lean on someone else, to know that if I needed him Cassian would be there for me.

It didn’t hurt that he owned a kick boxing gym either. The boys were suddenly very interested in learning all about said training. Rhys seemed very interested in the business side, whereas Mor asked all about what Cassian did to keep in such good shape. Tomas’s face was pale as he talked about fighting and how easy it was for him to take someone new down.

Conversation flowed for a good half hour before there was a lull in voices and Cassian leaned back in his chair.

“He’s the one,” his breath was hot on my ear as he whispered the words, “he’s the one who hurt you.”

I shivered, but nodded slightly. Cassian put his arm around the back of my chair. His muscles on display as his shirt pulled in all the right places. I leaned into him and let out a breath as Tomas cleared his throat. Cassian’s hand fell on my shoulder and I reached up to lace my fingers through his without even thinking twice about it.

“Nesta how’s the city treating you?”

“Good,” I nodded, Cassian squeezing my hand gently. I realized sitting there how horrible I truly was for letting him believe we weren’t actually friends. Because here he was, being the best fake boyfriend slash protector I could ever have.

“Really good actually. She’s been writing everyday since we met. I can’t get her to stop and pay attention to me. I told her when she said you wanted us to come this weekend there would be no working. She works too hard and I just want my girlfriend to spend time with me instead of all her fictional friends.”

Feyre laughed, “she’s always telling a story. She was always the best at putting us to sleep with her tales. But she stopped for a while. I’m glad she’s found that again.”

Cassian kissed my cheek, taking me by surprise. I tried not to look shocked at his cute little gesture, “yeah well. I think it’s because I’m the perfect muse.”

I blushed as Tomas tried another dig, “well she’s always been full of surprises. Right Nesta?”

The entire table was silent for a moment. I could feel the tension, he was baiting me. He wanted me to fall apart, to remember the horrible things he had done to me. He was trying so hard, and I realized it killed him that I wouldn’t fall for his stupid games. I was stronger with Cassian beside me.

"I'm sorry why are you here?" Cassian asked as I bit my lip hard trying not to cry. 

"I was invited."

"I know I'm new but if you upset my girlfriend again I'll kick you out myself." He practically growled the words at him. Tomas looked surprised, his face went pale. He shut his mouth and looked away from me, it seemed Tomas had finally met a bully bigger than himself.

"I have an announcement," Feyre interrupted the fight that was about to happen. She tapped her fork against her glass as we all turned our attention towards my sister, the host of our lovely weekend. She clapped her hands and Rhys smiled. He nodded his head slightly.

We all waited for her to go on. She had the biggest smile on her face and suddenly I felt my body go stiff. I found Cassian's hand and laced our fingers together. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle whatever she was about to say alone.

"So um. We decided we didn't want a big ceremony so we um. Rhys and I got married last weekend," she held out her hand, a beautiful diamond band now sat beside her engagement ring, "so we wanted everyone here to celebrate with us. So this is more than just a weekend getaway. It’s our wedding reception. With all our closet friends.”

The air rushed out of my lungs for the second time this evening. I squeezed Cassian's hand and glared at my sister, "you got married. Without any of us there?"

"It was a spur of the moment decision, Nesta. Elain wasn't there either. I'm sorry, we just. Felt so much pressure that it needed to happen his way. You've been there for it all, the most important moments."

Tears filled my eyes, "but not the most important day. We always promised each other," I pushed away from the table, "it doesn't matter. Congratulations. Excuse me."

I pulled my hand out of Cassian's and left the dining room. I wouldn't let them see me cry. I wouldn't break down in front of them. I let out a breath as I made it back up the stairs and into the bedroom before I broke down. I fell down on my bed and tried to stop the hurt, the pain that coursed through my entire body. Between Feyre’s announcement and Tomas trying to hurt me, I was exhausted.

I didn’t even change out of my clothes and into pajamas. I pulled the covers up and tried to ignore the chaos in my head. I should’ve been happy for her, I shouldn’t have gotten upset. But she had promised me, she had told me I would be there when they finally got married. They had been engaged for so long now I just, I felt like she didn’t care.

She didn’t care that I left. She had Rhys and for her that was all that mattered.

After a few minutes the bedroom door opened and Cassian came in. He was quiet as he made his blanket bed on the floor beside me. I heard him shuffle around and change. I heard him take his shirt off and I opened my eyes to find he hadn’t put another one on. I watched as he walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Then he came back out and turned off the light.

Once he was settled he reached up towards the bed. His fingers brushed over mine, my hand hanging down towards the floor. He let out a slow breath, “are you okay?”

I let out a sob, “I’ve been better, thanks for asking.”

Cassian’s voice was muffled by the pillow, “after you walked out Feyre felt terrible. She was so excited for you and Elain to know. She just, she really wanted you to be happy, Nesta.”

I nodded, fighting off tears, “she just grew up so fast. I wasn’t there for her when we were little and we always promised each other, well she promised we would all be there for her biggest moment. When she married the right one and I wanted to be there. But it’s like she didn’t care.”

Cassian’s fingers ran over the palm of my hand in a steady rhythm. It started to heal the ache inside my chest. The ache that had formed when I realized my sisters didn’t need me anymore. Which meant no one truly needed me, because I was alone. I had always been alone, but this was different. This was final. Feyre had Rhys and Elain was happy here with her friends. 

I had no one and nothing to show for this life.

Cassian’s deep voice hit me as I tried to push off the panic that flooded my body, “she’ll always be your little sister, Nesta. Which means she will always need you.”

I let out a sound, something between a laugh and a sigh, “you’re far too nice to me Cassian.”

“I told you I’d know when it would finally stick.”

He kept his hand holding mine as I closed my eyes. I was too tired to read into his words or find the strength to ask him what that meant. So instead I held his hand in mine, letting his thumb rub circles over my palm until I fell into the beautiful numbness of sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The sun was shining through the window which meant it was a new day. So I tried to stop thinking about Tomas and the terrible dinner we had experienced last night. Cassian had stayed beside me and somehow that had helped. Like he knew I needed someone to lean on but I wasn't going to ask for the support.

When I woke up I found the room empty. It took me a moment to remember someone was supposed to be asleep on my floor. As I laid there I heard laughter come in through the window. I looked at the clock, it was almost eleven. Everyone was already outside and I had slept late. Cassian was out there too, his tan skin glistening in the sun. I smiled slightly when I saw him push his fingers through his long hair. I noticed the way my sisters watched him.

They couldn't decide if they liked him or not.

Standing there watching them all I realized I had been selfish last night. I made it about me instead of being happy that my baby sister had finally married the man who loved her more than life itself. He had saved her from Tamlin, he had saved her from the life she thought she would always live since our father left us with nothing. That mattered more than anything else.

I didn't have to be there for the wedding, because I had been their for the entire love story. I needed to apologize.

Something I wasn't very good at. 

I grabbed a bathing suit and then changed quickly. I pulled on a shirt and then brushed my teeth. I fixed my hair and once I was somewhat put together I headed down to meet everyone. I thought over the apology in my head. I said the phrase over and over again.

_I’m sorry Feyre. I was selfish. I’m happy for you._

It was strange, yesterday I had fought with Cassian. When we got here and he started his comments about the room I wanted to throttle him. But now, waking up and seeing him already hanging out with my sisters, I realized I was excited to join them. I wanted to be included.

Maybe it was because he had stuck up for me with Tomas. Or maybe he was just a friend I didn't realize I wanted or needed. Either way I pulled open the doors and smiled as everyone kept swimming.

The boys were rough housing, Elain was sun bathing. Feyre and Mor were trying to get in on the boys game. As I walked towards them I watched Cassian get out of the water, little droplets dotted his skin. I fought the urge to reach out and draw with them.

I stopped short when I was standing right behind him. His dark skin was beautiful but it wasn't smooth. There were lines all over his back, scars of a life I didn't know. And I was reminded once again how much of a stranger he actually was. Because I never knew he was hiding something like this.

He was good at playing the fun charming guy. He was good at hiding the pain that lay beneath the surface. Maybe we had more in common than I thought.

"Cassian," his name was barely a whisper. He jumped when I ran my hand along his shoulder. He shivered, sitting on the grass beside the water. His skin was warm, "what happened?"

We were in our own little bubble, everyone else barely noticed we were sitting on the sidelines. He avoided my gaze, but I knew he understood my question.

There were so many scars up and down his back. But the worst of them were in the middle. Two long jagged scars, made up of raised skin that looked like wings had once sat there and been pulled out. He let out a slow breath. They weren't fresh, they were old and they were still angry.

"I was a reckless child. I didn't listen, I acted out. I ran away a lot. My step father owned that gym and well he was a strict parent. But even his whips couldn't break me. My parents finally sent me to a boarding school and well. Let's just say their form of punishment quickly got me in line."

I ran my finger down one of the scars closet to me. It ran down the side of his back. Cassian’s hands balled into fists as I traced it gently, "I'm sorry."

He finally brought his eyes to mine, "it's not your fault. But when I asked you at the diner, who hurt you. I wasn't prying. I just," he held my gaze even as I tried to look away, "I understand. Because I have scars too, Nesta. Yours are just inside, while mine are on display."

I felt tears gather in my eyes. Cassian reached over and brushed it away before it could slip down my cheek. I let out a breath and leaned towards him, feeling a pull that hadn't been there before.

"Hey you two!" Mor's voice broke through the new tension, "are you going to sit there and stare at each other all day? Or are you going to get in?"

I jumped back slightly, Cassian's eyes lingering on my mouth a moment longer and then he smiled. One minute his brown eyes were filled with pain and the next there was that mischief again. He grabbed me around the waist and before I could protest we were falling into the water.

"You giant prick!" I gasped for air as I broke the surface. All the seriousness from our earlier conversation was gone. Cassian was laughing, he was the guy I had met at the diner. The one full of secrets and smiles that were only skin deep.

He grabbed my waist, "now is that any way to talk to your favorite boyfriend?"

I pushed on his shoulders as he tried to kiss my cheek, "yeah well if you do that again you won't have a girlfriend."

Everyone laughed as they watched us. I pushed him away and under the water before I pulled my soaking wet shirt over my head. Cassian watched as my bathing suit pulled up with the motion. I pulled it back down over my stomach and threw the shirt in the grass to dry. He tried to grab me again. This time I gave in when he caught me and pulled me onto his back.

"You two are adorable," Feyre sighed happily, "I can't believe Nesta is finally in love."

My eyes got wide, my mouth fell open. Thankfully Cassian was holding me behind my knees so I didn't slip into the water and hit my head. Love. I wasn't sure I could ever fall in love. Too much trust, too much risk in falling in love.

"Well it's only been a few months," Cassian answered as he squeezed my calf under the water, "but I'm definitely smitten with your sister."

I hugged him tightly, my chest pressed against the warmth of his back. Even in the cool water he was still warm.

I pulled away and looked at the tattoo that I barely saw the other day at the diner. I ran my finger across the black swirl that reached the side of his hip, "what does it mean?"

"It means I get to be whoever the hell I want to be," he answered in that deep voice that made my knees weak. I smiled, pressed a kiss full of lake water to his cheek. Cassian seemed surprised I was playing along so well today.

Maybe it was the warm air, the fact that we were in the lake and my sisters weren't hounding me. Whatever it was I was happy. Even Feyre's announcement didn't hurt as much today. Because I realized that she was her own person. And I would've wanted to get married the same way.

It's like my sister read my mind. She came back over to us and touched my shoulder, "I'm sorry Nes. I should've told you before I sprang it on everyone. I just. I love Rhys and in that moment that was all that mattered."

"I understand. I'm sorry I got upset. I'm happy for you two, I really am."

My sister hugged me tightly. When I pulled back I touched her cheek, "but when you're pregnant you tell me first."

Her cheeks turned red, "Nesta I'm not pregnant."

I laughed, "I know. But I want to know first. It's only a matter of time."

She smiled, "fine you've got a deal. Only if it means you'll start coming around more. And you'll bring that big idiot with you."

I glanced at Cassian, who was showing Elain how to get the most out of splashing with her arms. I bit my lip, wondering what it would be like to bring him around more. It would break my sisters hearts to know we weren't real. So I suppose I'd have to find a reason to "break up" with him after we all left on Monday.

"He's sweet."

"He's good for you," she answered as Rhys swam up and grabbed her, "he makes you smile in a way I haven't seen before. Don't be afraid of him, Nesta. Don't be afraid of you."

I nodded as Cassian came to my side and the boys looked at each other, "so who wants to play chicken?"

Before I could answer Cassian hauled me up over his shoulders. I had never laughed so hard or for so long in my life as I did sitting on top of Cassian’s shoulders fighting my sister. He was strong, his arms held me steady. I wasn’t afraid I would fall, I wasn’t afraid of anything, I realized, with Cassian here. He was like this buffer between me and everything that had happened here.

It was like he was my saving grace. In all the ways I never knew I needed to be saved.

We played more games and by the time I pulled myself out of the water my skin was crinkly and my chest was heaving. Feyre came and laid down beside me, letting the sun start to dry our skin. She rolled her head towards me, smiling as she grabbed my hand.

“Happy looks good on you Nes.”

She squeezed my hand as I let out a breath, “yeah. It looks good on you too.”

Maybe I had been wrong, maybe my sisters didn’t side with Tomas. Maybe they had been afraid to hurt me by bringing up everything that had happened. Maybe I had over reacted and maybe this was not as big a deal as I had made it. Maybe, just maybe, Tomas hadn’t won whatever battle he had tried to start.

I wanted to talk to Feyre, I wanted to ask her why she invited him. I wanted to know why she was still friends with someone who had hurt me. Except she didn’t know he had hurt me. She didn’t know the game he was playing.

"God I'm starving," my stomach rumbled just as hers did. Elain had found her way to us a few minutes ago and laid down beside me while the boys cleaned up the mess they made.

"Rhys!" Feyre sat up, "let's order pizza."

My sister yelled to her husband. Her husband, I would have to get used to that word, offered her a smile as he walked towards us. He kissed her as soon as he could, "alright I'll go order it."

My little sister smiled as he disappeared, Azriel and Cassian were left to clean up. I shook my head, "he spoils you."

Her diamond sparkled in the sun, "I know. I got really lucky. But something tells me you did too, Nesta. Have you seen the way Cassian looks at you?"

I blushed, wondering if she noticed his lingering glances. He was staring now, but I refused to look. It was a game. This was his job. To make us look good.

"Well to be fair if he's not staring at me he's usually staring at himself in the mirror."

Feyre laughed, "god I missed you."

I leaned back on the grass and closed my eyes. But before I could be content to continue to lay there a shadow crossed my vision. I opened one eye and found Cassian staring down at me. His long hair hung like a curtain around his face.

"Take a walk with me," he said softly, Feyre and Elain watching as he offered me his hand. I sighed and stood up, letting him lead me away from my sisters. He laced our fingers together, offering me his warmth. I accepted it without a doubt, without a care. Somehow this big brute had gotten to me, he had gotten under my skin in less than two days.

I had no idea how I was going to survive life when we came back to reality. When we left our happy bubble here at the lake house and went our separate ways.

Cassian kept holding my hand as we walked down the path that lead away from the house. He was quiet, which even in the short time I had known him was rare. I didn’t interrupt the serene moment. I let the sun warm my shoulders, glancing his way every once and a while. I had given up believe he wasn't handsome. He was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on.

Not that I was going to tell him that anytime soon.

“Hey. A penny for your thoughts," I nudged his shoulder with mine.

"Would you. Tell me what happened with Tomas?"

I bit my lip. I wanted to tell him. He was the first person I wanted to talk to about everything. But the words always got stuck in my throat. I shivered and Cassian pulled his shirt off and offered it to me. I smiled slightly before pulling my hand away and putting it on.

"No," I finally answered, my heart hurting, "it's not that I don't want to it's just. I can't. I can barely think about the story without breaking down. If I say the words out loud then I'll fall apart."

Cassian grabbed my hand and pulled me to a stop on the other side of the water, "I understand. But I don't care what you say, Nesta. We are friends. I saw the way he affected you. I saw the way you faltered. Fake boyfriend or not I won't let someone make you feel worthless."

I offered him a small smile, "I don't even deserve a friend like you."

I stood up on my tip toes and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. Cassian went stiff, but smiled brightly as I pulled away.

"I told you I'd break you."

I rolled my eyes, "yeah well. We still have two more days with my sisters. I have to play nice right?"

Cassian shook his head, "I've known you for less than a week and I know you never play nice, Nesta."

I shrugged, "well maybe I was looking for something to stick."

We walked back to the group, the pizza was on its way. Cassian wouldn't let go of my hand and it felt nice to see his smile whenever I stole a glance in his direction. Maybe he was right. Maybe I just needed to find the right person to finally break down my walls.


	6. Chapter 6

After we ate our pizza it was close to evening and we decided to change out of our bathing suits. Feyre wanted to have drinks on the deck and so we all decided to get dressed in warmer clothes. I had gotten the first shower and since I was already ready, I started to clean up. Cassian had gone after me. I put the last few dishes in the sink, and then turned to go up to my room.

I heard someone in the living room. I didn’t really look to see who it was, there were eight of us staying in the house. Yes for some reason my sister had invited Tomas to stay here too. Luckily he had left me alone today. Which meant I had forgotten all about him. Playing pretend with Cassian was taking up more of my mind than Tomas and his stupid games.

I barely made it up the first two steps before someone was behind me. I didn’t get a chance to turn around, because he jumped in front of me and grabbed my forearm. His grip was hard, his nails dug into my skin. If he pushed any harder he would draw blood. I struggled, opening my mouth to curse at him.

Except he pushed his hand over my lips and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. Suddenly I was back in that room, when the alcohol and whatever else he had put in that cup rendered my body useless. Made me a victim of his endless games.

Tomas got real close to my face. His smile dripped with venom, “I see your perfect new boyfriend isn't here to save you, Nesta."

He pushed me towards the wall, the banister blocking me from view. My hands shook as he leaned closer, his lips almost touching my neck.

"Should I finish what I started all those nights ago? You still owe me," his finger ran down my thigh and I felt sick. I could feel my food rebelling as he spoke, as he touched me. 

If I wasn't frozen, if I wasn't fighting the nauseous feeling in my stomach, I would've pushed him away. But then his bright green eyes found mine and I couldn't move. I could barely breathe as I remembered his threats. As I remembered the camera recording it all. I heard the whispers. I heard the lies.

“Hey," a door opened and Cassian's voice hit me before my knees gave out. Tomas jumped away from me, my face pale, my hands still shaking, "what are you doing?"

Tomas smiled as my fake boyfriend pulled me into his chest, "we were just catching up."

Cassian glanced around, "I don't like you. I know you're the reason she has nightmares. I don't know what you did but if I ever find out I swear you'll never look at another girl again."

Once Tomas scurried away, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. My knees gave out and Cassian picked me up. I closed my eyes, letting him carry me into our room. I buried my face in his shirt, breathing in his clean scent. Amber, leather, pine, and smoke all mixed into one. It healed my fractured soul. 

"I'm okay," I whispered as he set me down and I kept myself standing. I wouldn't let him break me. I wasn't that girl anymore. I wasn't the defenseless girl he had ruined so many years ago.

I sat down on the bed, trying to reign in my emotions. Cassian shut the door as my heart continued to pound, flashes of that night hitting me over and over again. Tomas was here, in this same house where it had all happened.

I let out a slow breath and the bed dipped down beside me. I opened my eyes and there he was. This stranger who had somehow become a comfort I sought this weekend. It was like he knew me better than anyone else here.

My hands were shaking and Cassian grabbed them. He held them gently between his, "hey you sure you're okay? He didn't hurt you?"

I shook my head, "no. He just wanted to scare me," I brought my eyes up to his, "you got there in time. Thanks Cassian."

He nodded slowly as I let out a breath. I realized we were sitting really close together on the bed. I wanted to pull back, to put some space between us. But instead my eyes fell to his lips and suddenly we were both leaning forward.

His lips were soft and steady. His arms wrapped around my waist as I moved into him. I smiled slightly as he kissed me, and I opened up for him. Kissing Cassian was like finding a piece of my broken heart among the wreckage. His lips were strong and sure, they moved with mine and his hands pulled me closer. I closed my eyes and felt a sense of safety fall over me as Cassian held me in his arms.

I felt as if I could finally breathe again. For so long I felt like I had been drowning. And suddenly Cassian was here, breathing new life, new air into my lungs.

I moved closer to him, my fingers twisting around the fabric of his shirt. I hadn't felt desire, I hadn't felt want like this in a long time. Not since everything had happened. Not since my heart had been broken and I erected those walls of stone. But kissing Cassian cracked my armor and suddenly I never wanted to stop.

We both jumped when the door opened. Feyre stood there smiling slightly as she looked at us, "oh I'm sorry I uh. We were all getting ready to head out to the deck and have some drinks. I thought I’d see if you were ready.”

Cassian didn't let me go. His thumb stroked the skin on my waist. He held me tighter, "okay," his deep voice gave nothing away, "we'll be right there."

Feyre left the door open and I pulled away, "I'm sorry. I uh. We should go."

"Nesta."

I shook my head, "I broke my own rules. I'm sorry Cassian. Let's just," I winced as I stood up and fixed my shirt, "forget this happened."

Cassian sighed as I walked out the door. But I heard him before I made it to the stairs. I heard the words he whispered to himself and I tried to ignore them.

But his words, they followed me.

"What if I don't want to forget it happened?”

*-*

Azriel was a terrible bar tender. Mostly because he let his girlfriend take over and pour the drinks. And Mor had the heaviest hand I had ever seen. My Jack and Cokes were more Jack than soda. I could feel the room pulse as I looked around. I could feel the alcohol entering my system. And if she was bad at mixing drinks, she was even worse at handing out shots. I had lost count of how many we had taken together.

But I had been keeping track of the time. Cassian hadn’t followed me to the party after I kissed him. He was still in our room, almost an hour after the incident as I called it in my head now. He was in our room, doing god knows what, because I had crossed the line. I had crossed my own line in less than a day.

I had no idea what I was thinking. I wasn’t sure why I thought after Tomas trying to attack me, kissing Cassian would make it all go away. But then, in my drunken state, I remembered the way his warm hand felt on my thigh as Tomas tried to bait me with his words. I remembered his strong arms as they held me and suddenly I knew why I wanted to kiss him.

Because having Cassian here with me. It was the first time I finally felt like I was home. Feyre turned on the music once everyone was good and buzzed. The pizza wasn’t helping me, Mor was feeding me so many shots I was going to have a hell of a headache tomorrow. But between Cassian and Tomas I wanted to shut down.

I needed to stop thinking for one night this weekend.

“Nesta!” Feyre hugged me as we danced, “I’ve missed my big sister. God you’re so happy. I haven’t seen you happy in so long,” she touched my cheek, “Cassian is a good man. He makes you happy.”

I hiccuped, both of us giggling, “yeah. He’s far too good for me.”

As if he knew we were talking about them, the doors slide open and Cassian walked out. He was wearing a black shirt that fit perfectly against his arms. A pair of light jeans that also fit perfectly against his butt. His long hair was tied up at his neck and I wanted to run my fingers through it and I pulled the band out. I bit my lips, feeling all the things I had tried to smother come to the surface. He was handsome, he was sweet.

And he was looking at me like I was the only girl in the room. It would’ve been perfect, hell it would’ve been the romantic thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. If I hadn’t been so wasted that I went and ruined the moment.

"Cassian!" I giggled as he made his way towards me. Once he was in front of me, I grabbed his hand, "my boyfriend. Come drink. We're playing a game."

“And what game is that? Feed Nesta as much alcohol as we can?” He raised his eyebrows at Mor, who was indeed handing me another drink. Cassian leaned over and smelled it, his nose scrunching up.

I took a sip, “no. We were playing the, waiting on my boyfriend to get his slow ass down here how many drinks can I have before he’s here, game.”

“And what is the answer?”

I held up my hand, downing half the drink before I pulled the cup again. I licked my lips, the feeling of him kissing me still fresh in my memory. I took a breath, completely forgetting what we had been talking about. I squinted my eyes at him, laughter bubbling out of my mouth.

“What was the question?”

Cassian grabbed my waist as I tripped on air while standing perfectly still in front of him, "Nesta. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine! We're having fun," I slurred my words as I took another drink, "Mor made drinks. She's a bad bartender."

Mor hiccuped, "I might have given her too much.”

Feyre laughed, “I think it’s safe to say we’re all light weights today. I’ve never seen my sister so drunk before.”

Cassian watched as I laughed loudly, bumping into my sister. I was never this girl. Never as carefree as I was in this moment. Because last time I had gotten drunk, Tomas had wedged between me and my sisters. Tomas had ruined what semblance of happiness I had.

Cassian sighed, "Nesta, hey look at me. Is everything okay?"

He haved his hand in front of my face. I giggled and tapped his cheek. His face was blurry, "everything is perfect, my beautiful boyfriend."

Cassian's answering smile told me he liked knowing what I said while intoxicated. He kept his hands on my hips, “okay as long as you’re sure. Can you stand without my help?”

He went to let me go and I stumbled. He sighed, “I take that as a no. Nesta, it’s been like an hour. How are you seriously this drunk?”

I sighed, “I never drink. Not after that night,” I stopped, my eyes wide as I felt my stomach roll. Cassian saw the change in me, looking around as if he could find something to shove under my chin. But then the moment passed and I let out a slow breath.

“I like when you hold me,” I whispered softly as I leaned into him, “you’re warm. You’re safe.”

Cassian was tense as I hugged him, “I like when you let me hold you, sweetheart.”

I smiled up at him, my cheeks were warm. My entire body was warm all over. I didn’t want this moment to end. I was happy, with my boyfriend. My drunk self forgot this wasn’t real and that was all that mattered for the moment. Cassian held me as if he was afraid I would break without his help.

But then the music changed as I jumped up and down.

"Cass I love this song!" I grabbed his hand and started dancing, using my glass as a microphone, " _last night you were in my room. And now my bedsheets smell like you._ Mmh. I hope they do. You smell good."

I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. I danced around him as I finished the drink in my hand and started to grab for another one. I giggled as he glared me, acting as if he was my keeper. Somewhere in my mind I knew not to tell the truth, I knew I shouldn’t say that he had no right to tell me what to do.

But the alcohol was making everything hazy and my tongue was loose. I took a sip of my new drink and then looked at Cassian. He looked even better when there was a scowl on his face. I touched his cheek with my knuckles.

“You’re pretty,” I said softly as the music kept playing. Before he could answer I wrapped my free arm around his neck and stood on my tip toes. I pressed my lips to his, feeling the same emotions, ten times more, that I had felt earlier when I kissed him sober. My heart opened up, my soul felt like it had found it’s home.

Cassian’s hands grabbed my waist, his entire body went stiff. I could feel the shock, the surprise as he held me, his lips moving with mine after a moments hesitation. I took in a breath, smiling as I pulled away and leaned my forehead against his.

“I like kissing you,” I hiccuped as he tried not to smile.

His brown eyes were full of that light again. That mysterious, mischievous light I had driven away when we first got here. “You taste like alcohol,” he whispered as he brushed a thumb across my bottom lip, “and I don’t mind kissing you either, Nes.”

“If only it were easier to do when I was sober,” I downed half my drink as he kept ahold of my waist. Good thing he didn’t let me go, because I stumbled and almost tripped over my own feet. I started laughing loudly, the room spinning out of control.

Cassian held me up right and then shook his head. He reached for the drink in my hand as he sighed, "Nesta. Hey. Look at me,” his eyes held mine, “I think you've had enough."

"You're not my father," I pulled my drink back, "you're not even really my-"

He hand covered my mouth, "well Nesta is done for the night. I'm going to put her to bed. We'll see you tomorrow. When she's got a massive hangover."

I hiccuped, making myself giggle. I tapped his chest playful, "I am fine."

The room swayed and I lost my balance once more, "yeah you're really fine sweetheart."

I giggled as he helped me out of the room and up the stairs. I knew I should be embarrassed, I had made a fool out of myself in front of everyone. But I didn't care. Because I felt free, I felt totally at ease with Cassian putting his arm around my waist and guiding me towards our shared room.

He opened the door and then helped me make it to the bed. I groaned as I fell onto the mattress, his big calloused hands running over my feet as he took my shoes off. He was too sweet. Too sugar sweet for someone as bitter as me.

But for some reason I looked past that. For some reason I bought into us.

"Cassian," I grabbed his hand as I laid on the bed, "thanks for looking out for me."

He smiled, "that's what boyfriends do."

I blushed, "will you. Lay with me?"

"You're sure?"

I nodded and then he slipped into the small bed behind me. I smiled as his fingers grazed my waist and then I turned to face him. I put my hand against his cheek and took in a breath.

"I've never had a boyfriend as sweet as you," I whispered, his nose scrunching from the smell of alcohol.

Cassian laughed, "good. I want to be your first."

"Mmhm. My first," my eyes started to close but I leaned in close to Cassian. My drunk mind decided for me, my lips touching his softly. The kiss was sweet and soft. His hand never left my waist.

"Sleep love," he pushed my hair out of my face, "you're going to regret this in the morning."

"Never." I whispered as I pulled myself into his chest and relaxed, "can I tell you a secret?"

Cassian's light laughter vibrated through his chest, "sure. I'll keep it until morning, when you don't remember this moment."

"I like when you call me sweetheart." I found his bright brown eyes staring at me as I looked up. 

I wanted to kiss him again, but the room was starting to spin. So I laid my head back down, his fingers running lightly over the back of my head. He held me closer, as if he knew this moment was fleeting.

I felt his smile against the top of my head, "goodnight sweetheart."

I mumbled into his shirt and fell asleep to the rhythm of his thumb brushing against the small of my back. Even drunk and disoriented I knew in that moment Cassian was better than any guy I had ever met. He was someone I would never deserve. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love on this fic so far guys =)  
> I don't have how many chapters planned out; but here's another one.  
> your comments def made my rough day better so thank you!!!

Cassian was playing with my hair, his finger brushing lightly against my skin. It felt heavenly compared to the pounding that was going on behind my eyes. I opened them slowly, the sun blinding me and rolling my stomach. I wanted to puke, but I fought the urge. I hated getting sick.

“Good morning sleeping beauty,” his voice was full of humor and I knew when I looked at him he would be smiling, “how’s the head?”

I winced, refusing to open my eyes just yet. I groaned and then moved further under the blankets, “why are you so loud?”

He laughed. It echoed across my skull. He sounded like he was right there next to my ear. Speaking into a bull horn. I winced as he ran his fingers lightly down the small of my back, “I’m whispering sweetheart. Are you okay?”

I finally opened my eyes. The sun shining in through the blinds killed me. Still I sat up and then I shrugged, “as good as I can be hungover,” I looked at him trying to block out the sun, “why are you in my bed?”

“You wanted me to sleep with you. You said you didn’t want to be alone.”

He bit his lip, as if he was unsure how I would react to finding him in my bed. I wasn’t upset, I was actually kind of relieved that he was here and no one else had stumbled into the room while I was passed out. Again I was thankful I had brought Cassian home with me. Especially since my sister had sprung Tomas and his invitation on me at the last second.

I blushed, “oh okay. As long as I um. Wanted you here. Some of the details are still a little hazy.”

He laughed, “I promise you nothing happened. Well actually you wanted to cuddle, but that’s it.”

The room spun and I closed my eyes. My stomach rolled, I once again fought the urge to puke. Once the feeling passed I looked at Cassian. My cheeks flushed as I pushed my hair away from my face, “oh my god I’m never drinking again.”

Cassian laughed again, “you were a champ last night. You even sang for everyone.”

“Oh my god,” I covered my face with my hands, “they’ll never let me forget this moment.”

“You were cute,” he kissed my nose, “Nesta, hey look at me.”

I pulled my hands away from my face, “what?”

Cassian let out a slow breath, “yesterday, after Tomas cornered you, I just. I got to thinking and I want to help you. Let me teach you a few things, about defending yourself. I would feel better knowing if anything like that happened again that you could, at least do more than knee him in the balls.”

Even though my head was pounding, the noise from the house was making me sick, I smiled. Because Cassian was giving me what I always wanted. The power to take care of myself. I let out a slow breath, “you’ve got yourself a deal.”

I laid back down slowly. Cassian was still smiling as he traced lines over my arm. I closed my eyes and laid there soaking in the silence, my head throbbing. I felt like a truck had hit me, then stopped and backed up to roll over me again. The light killed my eyes, every little noise was too loud. Cassian moved his hand, his fingers running lightly over my scalp as if he thought that would help.

It didn’t ease my headache, but it helped my heartache.

The longer I laid there the more I realized I needed to tell Feyre the truth. I needed to tell her why I left, why I hated Tomas and the fact that she invited him here. Why I had really gotten upset over her getting married without me there with her. I needed to know if her and Elain truly sided with Tomas or if it had all been in my head. I needed the weight off my chest and the only way that would happen was if I told her everything.

And maybe it was because Cassian was there beside me, or maybe it’s because I had finally found the strength inside myself. But laying there I knew it was now or never. I found the strength to face her and know that whatever answer she gave me, I wouldn’t break because of it.

“I need to talk to my sister,” I said quietly as his eyes found mine.

Cassian nodded, “she came in earlier looking for you. You were still passed out, so I told her I’d tell you when you woke up. I’ll go make you something to ease that hangover.”

I watched him stand up, his pajamas pulling as he stretched. I bit my lip, remembering more than I had let on about last night. I had kissed him twice while drunk, once while sober. I had held onto him, danced with him. I had sang to him. I smiled slightly, feeling like a teenager having her first crush. Because that’s what this was. I was infatuated with the guy I had hired to pretend to be my boyfriend.

This could never actually be real. And yet I let myself want it to be. For the first time in a long time, since I had been home and maybe even longer, I let myself want something for me. I wanted Cassian, I was just afraid to say the words out loud. I was still afraid, even after the last three days, that he would reject me.

I stood up and grabbed a sweatshirt, pulling it on over my tank top. I slipped on a pair of soft shorts and then walked down towards Feyre’s room. It was quiet, so I knocked on the door. She was smiling when she pulled it open.

“Well I see sleeping beauty woke with a kiss,” she wiggled her eyebrows. My hair was sticking up, I could feel it.

“I need to talk to you,” she stepped aside so I could come in. 

She left the door open and I stood staring at the bed she shared with Rhys. They hadn’t made it today, The blankets were still twisted in the way they had tangled up together last night. I had known Rhys for a long time now, but standing in their room, seeing the bed they shared, made it even more real. I wasn’t sure why I mean, everyone knew they were together. I shook my head, my cheeks flushed. I looked away, turning to face my sister. 

“Nesta, what’s wrong?”

Tears filled my eyes as I took in a deep breath. I didn’t beat around the bush, I didn’t wait for her to say something to me. I just got right to the point of why I was here, why I had drank so much last night. And why this weekend was worse than I imagined it would be. I had actually been looking forward to it. 

Until that devil had walked in.

"Why did you invite Tomas? You know he's the reason why you thought. He's the one who tried to..." I shook my head, losing the courage to tell my baby sister the truth.

Feyre pulled me in for a hug, "I know what he did. I heard the lies he spread and what he tried to do. Nesta I know," she stopped and looked at me, "I wanted to tell you it never mattered. That I believed you. But I didn't know how and you kept pretending like it didn't happen.”

Feyre pulled back and her thumb brushed away a tear I hadn’t felt fall, “Elain and I knew you would never do what he said you did. We knew no matter how big of a crush you had had on him, you would never hurt her like that. Whatever video he has, we’ve never seen it and we don’t want to. We believe your truth Nesta, we believe you. I promise.”

I swallowed, “then why is he here?”

She bit her lip. For a moment her eyes left mine, as if she was searching for the answer somewhere I couldn’t see it. Once a minute passed her blue eyes, the ones we shared, that we had gotten from our mother, found mine again.

“Because he threatened me. He told me if I didn’t let him come he would tell Rhys something… I did a long time ago. Before I ever knew him, but something that would break his heart if he knew happened.”

I knew my sister. And I had no idea what that meant. I wouldn’t pry, “well then. I guess we have to take him down together, huh?”

Feyre let out a laugh, relieved I didn’t ask her what he knew. I knew what it felt like to have a secret you were too scared to let go of. I knew what it felt like to be trapped by someone who was spineless. Someone who bullied people for fun.

I squeezed her hand and let out a shaky breath. I laughed at the irony of this all. I had finally said the words out loud and nothing happened. My sisters weren’t on his side, they believed me, "Fey," my voice broke and I hugged her again, "I missed you. I wanted to come home so many times, but I was scared you and Elain hated me.”

"I've missed you too. We could never hate you Nesta, you’re our big sister. You practically raised me,” she said pulling herself together as Cassian came into the room, "and I'm sorry he’s here. Besides his blackmail, I thought maybe we could force him to apologize. But he's not worth it."

Cassian came over to us, "hey everything okay?"

I nodded, "yeah," I laughed at my own tears, "we're fine."

Feyre let me go and I fell into Cassian's side. He kissed the top of my head as if he couldn't get enough of touching me ever since last night. I leaned into him as everyone else started to come out of their rooms.

"I know she's your sister Feyre, but you made my girlfriend cry."

My sister laughed, "yeah well I've never seen her so emotional. So I guess I should thank you. For forcing her finally open up."

I mumbled a curse word into his shirt. Now that I had done what I wanted to, my hangover hit me again full force. Feyre’s room was brighter than ours. I sighed, "it's too bright."

"You're a disaster," Cassian laughed as I groaned against the loud noise, "I can't believe I'm dating you."

I rolled my eyes, "its the charm," I winced as he kissed my jaw, "and I'm only using you for your body."

Cassian held me closer, the memory of sleeping in the same bed seeping into my head. I closed my eyes against the sun and I heard Feyre sigh. Everyone was happy for me. Except I couldn't be happy, because this wasn't real. This would never be real. Once this weekend was over I'd have to break up with Cassian.

But these last few days had been the most fun I've had with my family ever since Tomas tried to tear us apart.

"Well we all wanted to go hiking today. But it seems like Nesta is a little, under the weather." Rhys laughed as he joined us in his bedroom. I opened my eyes and glared at him.

"Give her a half an hour. I'll have her ready."

Cassian took my hand and we made our way back to our room. He gave me a glass of something green and some Advil, "this will help I promise."

I smiled and drank half of the glass and winced. Cassian watched me and I blew out a breath, "thanks. You don't have to care."

He smiled as I stood up, watching him grab some clothes to change into. I held his eyes and I felt braver in this moment. Cassian jumped as I grabbed his hand, running finger along the palm of his hand.

"Cassian," he dropped his clothes, "thank you."

He gave me that crooked smile, "anytime sweetheart."

I stood on my tip toes and pressed my lips to his. I never kissed anyone first, not even Tomas. But standing there with Cassian I realized how much I wanted this. How much I wanted him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me into his chest, his arms winding around my waist.

I opened my mouth and the headache I had been fighting, along with the nausea went away. Cassian got tired of leaning down and picked me up, walking until my back hit the wall on the opposite side of the room. I shivered as his teeth grazed down my neck.

"Cass," I ran my hands around his chest. I arched my back and heard him moan. 

We were so wrapped up in the moment, in each other, that we didn't realize we had an audience. All that mattered was the way he was touching me. The way his skin lit mine on fire. I wanted to melt into him, to become one person and never feel the guilt, the pain, or any of the ghosts that had been haunting me for the last year.

"Well I see this is an effective way of curing Nesta's hangover."

Mor stood in the doorway, her voice pulling us apart. Cassian kept hold of me, my arms wrapped around his neck. My lips were swollen, his hands tight on my thighs.

She laughed, "don't stop on my account. I just think for two people who've been dating for three months, you sure act as if you've never made out before."

I blushed as Cassian laughed, "I'm sorry I'm madly in love with my girlfriend. But I don't have to explain it to you. I don't have to explain how I want to kiss her like this every moment of everyday."

She raised an eyebrow, "right well. Everyone wants to go hiking and they're waiting on you two. Should I tell them you're otherwise occupied?"

"We'll be down in half an hour," I had regained enough air to speak. I watched my sisters friend walk away.

Cassian brought his eyes back to mine, "Nesta."

He kissed me softly and I melted. "I know this was a business deal. But I um. I've blurred the lines. Do you think we could. Maybe do this for real?"

His eyes sparkled as he nodded, kissing me gently as he let my feet touch the floor, "I was already planning on asking you out on a real date as soon as we left this house."

He grabbed my hand. I smiled, a real smile that pulled at my lips, "it better be the best date you've ever planned."

Cassian laughed, my favorite sound in this house. Then he kissed the back of my hand before grabbing his clothes. He went to the bathroom to change and then I went to change myself. I grabbed a pair of shorts and a sports bra, changing in the room since Cassian took the bathroom.

I took in a breath and pulled on an old ratty concert shirt over my bra. Cassian opened the door as I finished pulling the shirt down over my body. I ran my fingers through my hair and braided it quickly.

I jumped when Cassian came up behind me, “so how did talking to Feyre go?”

My hand flew to my heart, “jesus make some noise man,” I slapped his chest playfully, “it went fine. Everything was really…. in my head I guess. But Tomas hasn’t won and well. We’re good. Thanks,” I tapped his cheek, “I think you made it easier to talk to her about it.”

I watched him bite his lips as he put his dirty clothes into one of the bags he brought. He let out a slow breath, “does that mean you’’ll talk to me about it?”

I pulled on a pair of sneakers, tying them slowly. Once I had them on I looked up and found those honey brown eyes staring into me. He was watching me, waiting for an answer, “if you’re good at teaching me to defend myself,” I stood up and smiled at him, “I’ll consider telling you what happened.”

He raised an eyebrow, as if he accepted the challenge, “I’ll have you know I’m the number one trainer at my gym.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes, “because you’re the owner.”

He grabbed my hips and pulled me away from the stairs, “because I’m the best,” he whispered before kissing my neck. I leaned into him as everyone waited outside for the two of us, “don’t worry, sweetheart. I won’t let him win.”

He let me go and grabbed my hand. I followed him down the stairs wondering why I had never opened up to someone before. Maybe I had been waiting for Cassian all along. Maybe I knew no one else was worth breaking down my walls for. Maybe I had been protecting myself because I had been waiting for the right one to come along.

Feyre was holding Rhys hand as we joined them outside, “Nesta you look better.”

She raised an eyebrow at me, as if Mor had told her what she walked in on. Something was rubbing me wrong about my sister’s college friend. She didn’t seem as friendly as she had before. Like she was hiding something, like she wasn’t there for Feyre. The way she watched me and Cassian, it reminded me of the way Tomas watched me.

“Cassian should take up medicine, because he cured my hangover,” I leaned into his side and he pressed a kiss to my temple.

Elain giggled as Tomas came out to join us. Rhys nodded, “alright everyone is here. Let’s get this show on the road. I promised my wife we would still have time to swim today.”

I stood still beside Cassian, holding him back as everyone else started towards the trail that was right off the side of the house. I didn’t want to be in the front or the middle. I didn’t want Tomas to be at my back. Cassian understood, he held my hand and once they were all on their way we followed behind. He squeezed my hand gently, and I knew it was his way of promising me this time nothing bad would happen to me.

Because this time he was with me.


	8. Chapter 8

"So why do you hate nicknames?" Cassian asked as we walked behind everyone else. He held my hand and it felt like our first official moment as an actual couple. I couldn't help but smile was I glanced his way.

He was handsome, even with his long hair. He had it tied up at the nape of his neck. He made my heart skip a beat with his crooked smile.

"Tomas called me baby the night he hurt me," I had never told anyone the truth, "and I just don't like remembering. He tore me away from my sisters. He ruined my reputation."

Cassian sighed, "I should've punched him in the face when I had the chance."

"Feyre's right. He's not worth it," I answered quietly, "one day I'll tell you what he did. When I finally feel like it doesn't matter anymore."

"It doesn't," he pulled me close and kissed my temple, "I'll make sure you find a way to let it go. To stop letting him hurt you."

I smiled at him, "you already have Cass.”

Cassian squeezed my hand in return He seemed okay with my answer, with everything that had happened between us. My heart skipped a beat, something I had never actually felt before. I let out a breath, blushing at myself as Cassian stayed beside me. He seemed content with the pace I had set to stay behind the others. To keep to our own little bubble, where everything was finally starting to fall into place.

“So what if a terrible accident befell Tomas while we were out here? I mean like, say he looks over the edge just a bit too far and falls? Solves everyone’s problems, right?”

I snorted, “now don’t pick a fight, Cass. Behave.”

He stopped, my hand still in his so he pulled me to a stop too. His brown eyes were brighter than I had seen before. Those eyes that were becoming my favorite shade of brown, a color I had never really cared for before. But Cassian’s eyes were beautiful, a mix of dark and light browns that swirled together. That held laughter and mystery.

A smile spread across his face, lighting it up even more. “You called me Cass. I feel like this is a moment. We’re having a moment.”

I rolled my eyes, “I already agreed to go on a date with you, you big brute. And you practically jumped me back in our room and I gave into that too,” my cheeks were burning, “calling you Cass is not that big of a deal.”

We started walking again, “it is to me. You might not like nicknames, but I do.”

“Okay, Buzzard,” I nudged his shoulder with mine, trying to bite back my smile. But it was hard to do around him. He had gotten past my defenses and I just wanted to be happy with him, “I’ll be sure to find all the best ones for you.”

Cassian leaned into my side and kissed my cheek, “honestly as long as you’re calling me I’ll be fine with it.”

We found our way back to the group then, my cheeks still bright red. Cassian still held my hand. Everyone was laughing and talking loudly as we got to the top of the trail. I hadn’t even noticed how fast we were going, or how short of a trip it really was to get to the top. When we were younger we used to complain. Well me and Elain complained. Feyre loved coming up here. She had always loved this place. 

As we got to the top my mouth fell open. It was breath taking. The trees went on for miles, the sky did too. The air felt cooler, the sun felt brighter. It was a moment, a view I had to take in. I walked away from everyone, pulling my hand out of Cassians as I went towards the edge. I took in the scene, a feeling coming over me. As if this was my moment, a moment I had been searching for since before we agreed to this weekend.

The sun warmed my cheeks, the air filled my lungs. And for the first time since Tomas had tried to scare me, since all those nights ago when he tried to ruin me, I felt a fraction of the girl I used to be come back to me. As I stood there realizing how big this world was, how little I was in comparison, I realized how little Tomas mattered. 

Cassian came up behind me, slipping his arm around my waist. His presence made this moment even sweeter. I leaned back and took in a deep, mind clearing breath. I felt his warmth and I felt my own strength drawn from both this moment and from the man standing behind me. Somehow I had found myself in someone else. Somehow I had finally realized it wasn’t about keeping someone out of my life. It was about letting the right one in.

I could feel Tomas watching, leering at us. But for the first time this weekend it didn’t matter. Tomas didn’t matter to me anymore. It was the most freeing feeling, the best feeling in the entire world. Especially with Cassian’s arms around me.

Cassian’s hand was tight on my hip, “it’s beautiful.”

“Yeah. I forgot how amazing this view is.”

He hooked his chin over my shoulder, “the view up here is nice. But my view is even better.”

I snorted and pushed his face away when he tried to kiss me, “please don’t get corny.”

His lips touched mine, “oh sweetheart, you haven’t seen a fraction of my corniness yet.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as I turned in his arms and kissed him fully, as we stood on the top of what had once been my world. It felt right, to cement this moment, this real moment between me and my fake boyfriend, on what used to be the one place I never wanted to be. Because it wasn’t ruined anymore. Somehow in three days Cassian had helped me put it back together again.

“Okay you two,” Feyre interrupted us, “let’s head back. It’s supposed to get hot and I want to be in the water when that happens.”

Cassian swung his arm around my shoulders, “oh it’s always hot when I’m around, Fey. Hate to break it to you.”

He winked at my sister as I rolled my eyes. Feyre laughed as we all started back down the path. I let out a breath as I stayed behind Cassian, taking one last look out over the horizon. It was beautiful and everything I had forgotten this life could be. This life was beautiful and I had been too hard to realize what I was missing.

Cassian laced our fingers together as we fell into step behind the others. As we walked, as I squeezed his hand, I knew I had finally found exactly what I never knew I had been looking for. I had finally found a sense of peace. I had finally found someone worth breaking it all down for.

On our way back down I walked away from the group. I needed a moment to myself. I had forgotten how pretty it gets up here. How beautiful the woods could be. I had forgotten a lot of things when I pulled away from the world. When I shut down I stopped feeling and seeing life. I stopped living and I never wanted to go back to that place again.

I promised myself as I stood there I wouldn’t be that girl. I would ask for help, I would seek out someone. My eyes wandered to Cassian. As long as he could, I knew he would be there for me.

I was coming out of the woods when I lost my balance. I didn’t get a chance to look behind me because my legs gave out and I had to catch myself. I almost fell to the ground, but instead my ankle hit a tree root and I stumbled. I let out a sob and yelped, "Shit. That hurt.”

When I looked behind me, no one was there.

Tears filled my eyes as I jumped on my other foot as Cassian came over. He grabbed my arm to steady me, "what happened?"

"I think I rolled my ankle." I sat down on the rock closet to us to take the pressure off. 

"Can you walk?"

Everyone was watching now, "I just need a minute."

One minute turned into two. After that everyone started to get antsy. We all wanted to get back to the house and shower or get into the lake. I was holding us up. But I wasn’t sure I could stand just yet. 

After another minute Rhys sighed loudly. Tomas was smirking at me. I looked at my boyfriend and he smiled. Cassian turned around and crouched down in front of me, offering me his back, "hop on.”

I eased off the rock and barely put any weight on my ankle as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me the rest of the way up so I was situated on his back enough that my weight was balanced. Once he had me I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on.

"My hero." I whispered into his ear as he picked me up. His arms wrapped around my legs and I let out a sigh as he bounced me along behind the rest of our group. I kissed his cheek, making them flush. 

His hands were warm. I let out a slow breath, leaned my chin on his shoulder. He shifted me easily as he went up an incline, "you good?" 

"Yeah," he held me tighter, "you?"

"Perfect," I pressed my lips to his neck. I realized in that moment I was really falling for him. Cassian carried me all the way back to the house. He was sweating, but he wasn't complaining. I smiled as he set me down and my ankle felt better.

"Thanks," he let go of me and I rolled my ankle and then my shoulders, "so... are we starting now?"

"I'll give you a minute to prepare. I need some water," he walked inside, and I turned away from the door. Feyre was smiling.

She came over and pulled on my hair, "I can't believe you went from someone like Tomas to Cassian. He's so sweet, so adorable. I just. What did you ever see in Tomas?"

"Nothing," I answered her, "you have to know I never saw anything. I never wanted to hurt Elain."

Feyre hugged me, "I know. She knows too."

Rhys came over and grabbed Feyre. I heard a muttering of showering together as he carried her inside, my sister’s laughter turning into silence as he kissed her. I shivered and tried not to think about what they were doing. It was quiet now that everyone had left me. I waited for Cassian and wondered if maybe I could actually find what Feyre had.

If maybe I could find some sort of happiness. 

"Okay first things first," Cassian scared the shit out of me. He grabbed me and his arms locked around my shoulders. His hand covered my mouth, "if he gets the advantage, and has you held like this, you aren't helpless. First stomp on my foot."

I brought my foot down as hard as I could, his hand suffocating me. He loosed his hold and grunted. "Damn sweetheart. Okay then jab your elbow into my ribs," he gasped as I did it even harder than my foot stomping on his, "and you spin around and punch me."

I grabbed his hand and spun myself around, twisting his arm and punching him. Cassian winced as I stepped back.

"How did I do?"

"Good," he waved his hand, "I just um. Didn't know you were so strong."

I laughed, "I take that as a good thing."

“Alright hit me,” Cassian held his hands up, motioning me to come at him.

I formed fists and jumped on one foot to the other. I let out a slow breath, his brown eyes sparkling as he waited for me. I couldn’t help but return that smile of his, and then I stepped forward and swung. His hand hurt my knuckles and Cassian laughed as I swore.

“You hit like a girl. Put all your weight behind you.”

I swung again, this time he nodded, “good. Again.” 

We did that for over twenty minutes. Cassian letting me hit him over and over again. It felt good, but even better, I got in a few good punches. Cassian winced when I hit him, which meant I was doing better than that first hit.

“Okay feet apart,” he lowered his hands and barked out the order. I let out a breath and moved my feet so they were shoulder width apart, “now hold your hands up.”

“God you’re bossy,” I muttered as I did as I was told. Cassian smiled, that cocky grin he had given me all those days ago in the diner. My heart skipped a beat as he brought his hands up and smacked the back of mine.

I faltered, “balance,” he said as I swayed and tried to regain myself, “you’re stronger than that bully. But first you have to master yourself. Balance, Nesta. Keep your balance when I hit you.”

I bit my lip and tried to stand my ground. I tried not to move whenever he grabbed my hands, or hit them. It was hard, he was stronger than me, he was bigger. But I also knew that kind of thinking would end up getting me in trouble. So I bit my lip and tried as hard as I could to keep myself steady.

After a few minutes Cassian’s smile changed and I stayed standing, “good.”

Sweat rolled down my back, but I smiled back at him, “I’m not as helpless as you thought right?”

He raised an eyebrow and my entire body flushed. God he looked good when he was being bossy. When he was sweaty and his chest was going hard to get his breathing even. And his hair fell out of it’s strap, it hung around his face. I wanted to lick the sweat off his jaw. I wanted to run my fingers through that long hair. 

When had this changed? When had this happened?

“Nesta, sweetheart,” his deep voice brought me out of my thoughts, “you’re staring.”

He gave me that crooked smile and my knees went weak. I shook my head and tried to regain focus. But I couldn’t. So I took a step forward and laid my hands flat on his chest, our faces only inches apart. I smiled as I heard his breathing hitch and his hands shook, as if he wanted to reach for me too.

“Probably because you’re sweating like a disgusting beast.”

He laughed, his head falling back as the sound vibrated out of him. It was loud, but it was beautiful. It rang in my ears and I never wanted it to stop. When he looked back at him, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“But hey, maybe that’s my thing,” I whispered softly, giving him a wink in return.

He smirked, “I always knew you were attracted to me.”

I rolled my eyes, “let’s go again, you big brute.”

“I should start charging you,” his eyes sparkled but he got ready to instruct me again. I was panting by the time I lost focus. When everything Cassian had just instructed me went out the window and I was stumbling again.

“You were doing so well, what happened? Nesta focus,” he muttered to himself as I held my arms up. He sighed and walked around me, shaking his head. He put his hands on either side of my stomach and my entire body went stiff, “breathe in from your core. Keep your body straight.”

My heart was pounding inside my chest. He was touching me the way he always did. But something about the warmth of his hands, the fact that we had shared real kisses instead of fake ones, made this even more real than before.

Cassian smiled, “maybe training you won’t be so bad,” he whispered closer to my ear. I shivered as he kicked my feet with his, “keep your feet shoulder width apart. Like that, okay good.”

“And they say you’re the best trainer? You haven’t even taught me anything other than how to stand. Good to know to get into this position and do nothing if I’m attacked.”

Cassian rolled his eyes, “smart ass. We’re getting there.”

After a few more seconds of showing me how to stand and keep my balance Cassian finally came at me. I held my own, blocking his punches and hitting him back. But I learned quickly I wasn’t a match for someone of Cassian’s size or skill. He was fast and he was strong. I might be able to hold my own against someone like Tomas, but I would never be able to beat someone like Cassian.

I watched him, wondering if he was so into this part of his life, if training people to protect themselves was something he did because of what they did to him. If those people, his parents, his teachers, had broken a perfectly good man by hurting him like they had. I wanted to ask him, but he snapped his fingers in my face and pushed my shoulder.

“Earth to Nesta,” I jumped slightly.

“Sorry. I was just, thinking.”

“Okay let ago again,” he motioned for me to get ready and everything he had just told me went out of my head. I stood and held up my arms, still wondering about his scars. Still wondering what made a little boy want to protect himself the way Cassian did.

Protect himself and yet let leave his heart on display for anyone to break.

"Level your legs Nesta. You're off balance.”

He pulled me out of my thoughts and I stumbled, my sore ankle screaming again. I winced and my cheeks blushed as Cassian watched me. He was waiting and I was annoyed with the way he was looking at me. I had been worried about him, about the little boy I never knew and he was laughing at me. Laughing at the fact that I wasn’t picking up his training as fast as the others.

“Training me was your idea,” I glared at him as he started to laugh at me, “so I don’t know what you think is so funny.”

“Nothing, sweetheart,” he kept smiling as he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I was starting to get angry. Cassian let out a breath, “but if you keep losing focus you’ll let Tomas win. Look at me Nesta.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “screw you. I thought you wanted to help me.”

“Hey,” he reached for me but I stepped back. I balled my hands into fists and threw myself at him. I punched him hard in the chest and the shoulder. Hard enough that I heard him grunt in pain. My knuckles screamed, but it felt good to release the anger that came out of nowhere.

“Jesus,” he rubbed his shoulder, “you fight better when you’re mad.”

“Is this all a game to you Cassian?” I meant more than this moment, more than this weekend. I wasn’t sure he understood it thought, because his face fell, his eyes lost some of their light.

He shook his head, “Nes. Come on.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and watched as he tried to figure out what to do. I had gone from warm to cold in a few seconds. I wasn’t even sure why I had gotten so angry, other than the fact that he had been laughing at me. I thought we were having a good time and suddenly he attacked me about Tomas, about our training.

Minutes passed as we stood facing each other, just staring. Cassian let out a slow breath and then picked his head up. The way he looked at me, through his eyelashes, made my heart top. His hair had come out of the strap completely down, it hung around his handsome face. I tried to fight off my attraction, I was still mad at him.

He took a step forward. I didn’t realize it was happening until it did. He came at me fast and before I realized it he knocked me down. I fell on my tailbone and pain shot through my body. I barely heard it, but above the ringing in my hears, I heard his laughter. That laughter I once thought had been beautiful. It ripped through me. He was laughing at me. At training me.

I let out a scream as I collided with the ground. I tried to fight off the tears that filled my eyes. Cassian offered me his hand. I pushed it away as I got up and glared at him. Everything I had been feeling before, when we were flirting was gone. He was laughing at me this time, not with me and something about that made everything worse.

He wasn’t taking this seriously. This had been his idea and now he was making a fool out of me.

"You're an arrogant ass," I shoved him away from me, I wasn’t sure when they started, but everyone was watching us now. I didn’t stop, I stormed towards the house. 

Cassian was sure to follow but my blood was boiling. I had slipped and let him get into my head. I walked into the house, not caring if he followed me. He said he wanted to help me and instead he had made a joke out of the whole thing. I clenched my hands into fist and I realized how stupid I had been to believe something that started out as fake could ever become real.

I slammed my bedroom door shut and fought off whatever it was I had been feeling for that big brute. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried not to cry over the fact that I was a fool. That I had wanted something as crazy as being with Cassian to be real.


	9. Chapter 9

Cassian didn’t even knock he just walked into the bedroom. I wouldn’t look at him as I pulled my hair out of its braid. He waited, trying to see if I would give. But after what he did, how he insulted me, laughed at me, I didn’t want to talk to him. We were back to where we started. Further than that really. I hadn’t been as angry with him as before.

Finally he broke the silence when I stood up off the bed. I started to turn away from him, but he cleared his throat.

"Nesta hey. I'm sorry," he grabbed my hand, "but you weren't focused and that can get you hurt. It can let Tomas win.”

“You didn’t have to laugh at me,” I spit the words at him, “you didn’t have to act as if training me out there was a fucking joke, Cassian.”

His eyes flashed, “I wasn’t laughing at you. I was laughing at the way you were standing. Okay sorry,” he held up his hands, “it wasn’t a joke to me Nesta. I swear to you, I offered to help you. I wouldn’t ever make fun of you.”

The anger inside my chest died slowly as I watched his eyes simmer. It was all there inside those honey brown eyes, he was telling me the truth.

And I realized I was doing it again. I was finding a reason to run, a reason to push someone away. I was trying to ignore everything good about the person who broke through my walls and find that single reason, one stupid reason why this would never work. I was shutting down when I should’ve been opening up. I looked at Cassian and I realized standing there I didn’t want to push him away.

And that scared me more than anything else. Because I wanted him. I had never wanted someone the way I felt my heart, my body yearn for his.

I held his gaze for a second longer, letting my heart run through my emotions. There was fire in his eyes and the fight still simmered inside of me. I let out a slow breath but I didn't want to fight with words. Suddenly Cassian understood and he pushed me back against the wall. His mouth collided with mine, a storm of teeth and lips battling as our bodies crashed against each other.

His hand ran down my thigh, his scent filled my lungs. It had been so long since I did this, so long since I had wanted it. My mind screamed to stop, to give into the fears and self doubt I always did. But Cassian was soft, his touches sweet. I didn't want to stop.

"Nesta," he moaned my name against my neck and my knees gave out. He picked me up, keeping my back against the wall. My fingers brushed his scalp, pulling at his hair.

His lips moved towards my chest, "don't think you're going to fuck me against the wall," I wiggled as his hand slipped under the band of my shorts.

He groaned as I pushed him back from me, his eyes lit with amusement. With something I had never seen before. Not directed at me anyways.

He let my feet touch the floor and the moment they did I pulled him towards me by his shirt. I kissed him hard, pushing him backwards until his knees hit the bed. He fell down on his back, I climbed up and straddled his waist. I could feel him, he was already there.

"Nesta," he stopped as I pulled my shirt up over my head and then went to try and do the same to his. He helped me discard his shirt and then took my face in his big calloused hands, "hey, sweetheart. Are you sure?"

I bit my lip. He was willing to stop. He was already there, ready, and yet if I said to stop, one breath of uncertainty and he would pull the plug. Cassian was a better man than any I had ever met. I leaned down, my chest touching him. I kissed him slowly, his hands never moving from my hips.

"I'm sure," I whispered against his lips, "I want you Cassian."

He flipped us over and pulled my hand up above my head. He kissed my jaw, my nose, his fingers lacing with mine, "well then. Let me show you exactly how I feel about you."

I shivered as his deep voice dropped even lower. His muscles were hard and his skin warm as I ran my small hands over his broad shoulders. Cassian started leaving a trail of kisses down my chest, his tongue going under my bra. I gasped, my back arching as the sensation hit me.

He sucked on the soft skin underneath my breast and then I let out a whimper as he bit down, hard enough to break the skin. I gasped as his tongue ran over the mark, my eyes closed at how the pain, the softness of his mouth, affected me. I moved against him, his lips still pressing into the bruise that would be there for days to come. My fingers were in his hair.

"Cassian, touch me," I begged as he let go of my hand. His fingers wandered to my shorts and he drew a circle around the inside of my thigh. I wiggled beneath him, his mouth getting closer to my hips.

I let out a noise when he finally pulled my shorts down. Then without warning his mouth pressed against me. I gasped, my entire body went stiff and then relaxed all at once. His free hand grabbed mine and then I moaned as he slipped a finger inside.

"Cass," oh he was good. No one had ever… my mouth fell open as I felt the room get smaller, "oh my god, Cassian."

He hummed as he worked as I squeezed his fingers as hard as I could. Without thinking about it my hips began to rock against his mouth, the sensation making it even harder for me to think or breath without effort.

"That's right," his voice was there, right there and yet he sounded so far away, "don't hold back love."

He curled his fingers and I fell apart. I screamed his name as he stroked me through the high. Once I could see again I grabbed him and pulled him up to me.

"Was that good for you?" He asked before I pulled him down for a kiss. He wrapped his arms around me, my hands looking for the button to his shorts. He helped me free him of the last bit of clothing that separated us. His finger went towards my thigh again, already so sensitive.

He leaned over and stuck his hand in the bag beside my bed. Then he pulled out a packet. I huffed, "you brought condoms?"

Cassian smiled, "I wasn't sure how real you wanted this to be. Plus I always come prepared."

I watched him situate himself, "well you better make me come then," I pulled at his shoulders and kissed him. His hand still between us as my hips pushed against his.

"Didn't I just do that?" He asked, slipping a finger between my thighs. 

"With something more impressive than your mouth."

He smiled and pushed his finger against my already sensitive center, making me moan even harder than before. My eyes closed as he kept playing with me. I knew he wore that cocky smile. Arrogant until the end. 

I opened my eyes as I rubbed against the thigh he had wedges between my legs. 

"Cassian," I rolled us over and watched his eyes grow wide as I ran my hand down the length of him. He hummed in approval, my thumb brushing lightly over the tip. He hissed as I smiled, bringing myself up above him.

I slowly took him in. Both our moans were enough to start another hot pressure in my stomach. My mouth fell open, my eyes snapped closed. He felt so good, better than I had ever felt before.

"Nesta," his voice was deep and demanding, "look at me love. Please."

I opened my eyes as I rolled my hips, another wave of pleasure rolling through me, "god I see," I gasped as he rolled his hips and hit just the right spot, "why you're so confident now. Oh my god. Cassian. There. There don't stop."

He picked up the pace, my arms holding onto the headboard as he thrust in and out. My body was shaking, his eyes never leaving me as he pleasure me over and over again. Cassian took my hands off the headboard and I grabbed his shoulder for support. My hands slid down his chest as he held onto my hips so tightly I knew there would be bruises there tomorrow. I moaned as he held me against him, pushing in deeper and deeper. My nail dug into his chest as I moved and I gasp as he moved faster.

My palm pressed against his tattoo as my eyes rolled backwards. I could feel my nails against his skin. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't stop from pressing harder. My body started to shake for the second time.

"Cass," I gasped as he moaned, the noise hitting me right in the core. I held onto him tightly, my nails slipping under his skin. Then when I twisted my hips and cried out his name for the second time, he followed along beside me.

We were both panting as I laid down beside him. Cassian didn't let me go far. I laid my head on his chest, running a finger over a long scratch I had left behind, then down the lines of his tattoo, "I'm sorry," I said as I traced the half moon marks, "I didn't mean to mark you. You already have scars."

He grabbed my hand and kissed it, "these will be my favorite scars," he said softly, "because you gave them to me." 

I shook my head, "they probably won't scar. But I am sorry. If I hurt you I just couldn't help myself."

"I know I'm good," he winked as I pushed his face away from mine, laughing.

I turned towards him and he pulled his phone out, "come here," he whispered softly as he pointed it towards us. I blushed, the blanket covering half my chin as I laughed from his fingers brushing against my waist. It was the perfect moment, caught on film.

My eyes crinkled from my smile, Cassian was looking at me, his lips inches away from my cheek. We looked like a real couple, a happy couple. It was the picture that made me realize that maybe this had always been real for me too. 

"Our first picture," he whispered in my ear, "it's perfect. And real."

I took in a deep breath and took his phone out of his hand. I sent the picture to myself and then put it down on the nightstand, "no more pictures," I whispered, pulling his face back to mine.

"We should fight more often," he whispered softly, letting out a small laugh, "I think this officially means we're dating."

I rolled my eyes, pressing my lips against his chest, "I've never. Been that satisfied."

I knew I was stroking his ego. But I was still above the clouds. Happy because I had felt something again. I had felt him and let him into my heart, my mind, my body. Cassian had braved the storm and somehow lived to tell the tale.

His fingers ran up and down my spine, "you're beautiful Nesta. And I want you to protect yourself."

I closed my eyes, "I'm scared," I whispered into his chest. The throbbing in my chest faded slightly as I finally told someone the truth, "I'm scared I won't ever be good enough. That my sisters will choose him. That everyone I love will leave me."

Cassian pulled my chin up and forced me to look at him. He leaned in and kissed me softly, sweetly.  Nothing like the kiss that had led to this moment, where our clothes were thrown all over the floor.

"Well I have news for you, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."

I leaned into him, kissing him as his arms wrapped around me. Then when we were spent, no energy left he pulled the blanket up around us and we fell into sleep, still wrapped around each other. Still high from finally letting each other in.

*-*

"My entire body is sore," I groaned as Cassian kissed my shoulder. I shivered as his big hands started to work the knots on my lower back. We were still laying in bed, having spent the last hour alternating between napping and kissing. His hands hadn’t left my body since we slept together. Since the moment I had finally let him into my heart.

"I can fix that," he whispered on my ear. Then he straddled my waist and started massaging my shoulders. I groaned, it felt heavenly. His big hands massaged the muscles in my back then down towards my lower back. I groaned into the pillow as he worked.

I wiggled under his hands, “Cassian. That feels amazing.”

He massaged my shoulders until all the knots were gone. Until I felt loose and like I could take on the world. He slipped off of me and I turned around to face him. I kissed his chest, the first part of his body I could reach, as a thank you for whatever magic he had just used to help me relax.

I reached for his short to cover myself before the blanket fell off of me. Cassian moved so I could put it on, watching as I did, “why did you do that? It’s not like I didn’t see everything earlier,” he pressed a kiss against my shoulder, where he shirt fell off.

I laughed, “because I wanted  to see that look,” I touched his cheek, his eyes bright as I sat there between his legs, looking at him over my shoulder. It was like he and never seen me before, like this moment changed everything. Me wearing his shirt, his scent clinging to every part of my body.

“I will admit you look amazing in my shirt,” his deep voice ran down my spine and made me shiver. I leaned in and kissed him slowly, remembering all the ways he had touched me, worshiped me, only a few hours ago. I took him in and felt more alive than I had before this weekend, before I had met him.

“Good because you’re never getting this shirt back,” I whispered as I pulled away. He tickled my waist as the blanket fell off the bed. I squealed, his lips catching the sound before it could carry too far. It was like we couldn’t get enough of touching each other. I sighed happily as I pulled away, Cassian’s thumb brushing against my bottom lip.

“Never stop smiling,” he whispered, his face inches from mine, “you’re beautiful, Nesta. I never want you to stop smiling.”

I blushed, letting the moment settle before I pulled away.

"Your turn," I crawled onto his back and bit back a sigh. I waited a moment and ran my finger down the biggest scar, "Cass. What did they do?"

He was quiet. He didn't answer me, the silence telling me he didn't want to share. I understood, I still hadn't told him everything about Tomas.

Finally he sighed, "their favorite punishment was the post. Whenever they deemed it necessary they would strap you to it. Your chest sat against the pole and then they ripped your shirt open. They would whip you until you blacked out. Me. They had a special treat for me. They took long daggers and sliced those big scars along my back. They said I could've been an angel. But I never deserved the wings. So they cut them out."

I let out a sob, tears filling my eyes, "Cassian."

He turned around as I slid off his back. He gathered me in his arms and kissed away my tears, "it was a long time ago, love. They don't hurt anymore."

"But they still haunt you."

He sighed, "for a long time I couldn't bare to have someone touch my chest. The way we slept last night it would've given me nightmares. They don't haunt me anymore, I put those ghosts to rest. I am better, stronger than the people who did this to me. I survived. They have to live knowing with what they did."

I put my hand on his cheek, "for what it's worth, I still see a halo around your head whenever you look at me."

He smiled slightly, running his hand along my hip bone, "yeah? Well you did call me god a few times last earlier."

And just like that the cocky self assured man I had come to know was back. He pressed me into the mattress, my stuff muscles loose now as he kissed me and tried to chase the ghosts that followed me away.

We didn’t pull ourselves out of bed until our stomachs were growling. The sun had started to fall in the sky outside the window, we had spent the entire day wrapped up in each other. I was still wearing Cassian’s shirt, my hair a mess from the second or third round time we tumbled around the sheets. I sighed as we ventured down the stairs and into the kitchen. Cassian held my hand tightly in his.

“God I’m starving,” my stomach growled and Cassian laughed. Everyone was outside on the deck, which left us to our own devices.

“Let me cook you something,” he said grabbing me around the waist. He pressed a kiss to my temple, “think of it as a pre-date.”

His hands were warm against my hips, “you’re lucky I forgive so easily.”

His laugh was slowly becoming my favorite sound, “somehow I find that hard to believe,” he whispered in my ear before pulling away.

I spun around in his arms and kissed him slowly, as if we had never kissed before. His hands tightened on my hips and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. All of this because of one man, one man who had found a crack in my armor and broken through.

I leaned my forehead against his, “it’s probably because you’re so cute.”

“And don’t you forget it,” he whispered as he smacked my butt and then the sliding door opened.

“Oh my god. Is that Cassian’s shirt?” Elain’s eyes were huge as she saw us standing there. Her hand covered her mouth, but not before I saw her smile slightly at the way we looked together.

My cheeks flushed red as Cassian held me closer. I fought the urge to bury my face in his shirt, “I think she looks good in it, don’t you?”

My little sister giggled, “she looks happy,” Elain’s voice was soft, as if she was afraid to break this moment. I glanced at her, and she was still smiling, not taking her eyes off me, “happier than I’ve seen her in a long, long time.”

Cassian kissed the top of my head, “good. That’s my only goal.”

“Well if you want to keep me happy you better feed me soon, boyfriend.”

Cassian’s face lit up when I called him boyfriend. He smiled, then laughed as he leaned into me and kissed my forehead, “yes ma’am.”

Elain went upstairs, telling us should let us have our cute little moment. Cassian started to find the food to make whatever it was he decided we were going to eat together. I climbed up on a stood and watched him, leaning against the counter on my elbows.

“Wow, handsome and able to cook? If you weren’t standing in front of me I might not believe you’re real. Men like you are like unicorns. Myths. Legends.”

“Well I suppose I’ll have to remind you how real I am later. When you’re screaming my name again,” he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I bit my lip, hoping that was a promise and not a threat.

Still I rolled my eyes when he looked at me. I heard everyone laughing outside the side but I had no desire to go out and join them. I wanted this alone time with Cassian. This real moment we had found this weekend. This first moment when I truly felt like he was here with me instead of for me. I wanted to be selfish, I didn’t want to share him tonight.

“When did it change?” I asked watching him more with even more grace than he did when he was teaching me to fight. He was a natural in the kitchen, his big body knew where to go, what to do, “for you. I mean when did this thing between us change?”

His brow eyes sparkled in the low lights of the kitchen. He stopped at the stove and turned it on. Then he looked at me, with all the humor gone. He smiled slightly and his fingers hooked under my chin. He held my gaze, his thumb brushing lightly over my chin, “this was always real to me, Nesta. The moment I met you in that cafe I wanted to ask you out. I played along, hopping you would change your mind. Hoping that maybe this could turn into something real.”

My cheeks were bright read now as he kept staring at me, “well. I guess I know why you tried so hard then.”

He let me go and turned back to the food. He smiled, laughing at my response as he put the bread in the pan, “trust me sweetheart, I wouldn’t try that hard for anyone I didn’t have actual feelings for.”

I didn’t say anything else, I just watched as he cooked the grilled cheese. When he was finished he put the first one in front of me. He made the best grilled cheese, my stomach begging me to inhale it as I took in the scent. My mouth water, or maybe I was just so hungry that it looked like the best thing I had ever seen. Either way it satisfied one of my cravings.

Cassian sat down beside me, his skin brushing against mine. I leaned into him and kissed his shoulder, “thank you,” I said softly, “for this weekend. For everything. You didn’t have to. But I’m really glad you did.”

“Don’t sweat it, sweetheart. I’m sure you’ll find a way to repay me later,” he winked and I rolled my eyes. He started to eat his food and I stayed there, against him. I just wanted to feel him, I just wanted to be close to him now.

We were finished eating our meal when everyone stumbled back into the house. They were tipsy and loud. Mor raised her eyebrows when she saw me in Cassian’s shirt. But Feyre squeal and clapped her hands together. She was drunk, I could see it in my sister’s eyes.

“Damn. I didn’t think you two were ever coming up for air.”

I rolled my eyes but Cassian chuckled, “sorry. Nesta is very selfish when it comes to time spent behind closed doors.”

I glared at him but Rhys laughed, coming up behind his wife, “it must be an Acheron family trait then,” his voice was light as Feyre leaned into him and his arms wrapped around her waist. The response of telling her she’s one to talk died on my lips. Because he made her happy, and I couldn’t ruin that.

Feyre’s eyes caught me as we stood beside the men in our lives. We shared a smile, we shared a moment we hadn’t found in a long time together. I leaned into Cassian, looking at my little sister and knowing for the first time in what felt like forever, we had finally find each other again. All was forgiven, the past was the past. Now we had each other, now we had someone else too.

Cassian put his arm around my shoulders, “well I’m beat. Let’s go to bed Nes.”

Feyre giggled, “have fun you two. I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

I waved my hand in her direction, but followed Cassian back up to our room, where he proceeded to show me exactly how much he liked me by pushing me back down on the mattress. I gasped as his lips were hot against my skin and his hands wouldn’t stop moving over every part of my body. I leaned into him, and this time I didn’t hold back when he made me scream his name.

This time I let him see me, all of me, and I knew there was no going back.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance

I woke up to someone pressing soft kisses along my shoulders. I buried my face in my pillow as the flutters kept up, moving along my shoulder and down my back. I scrunched up my nose, hands were on my hips. I felt happy, I felt warm. I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to burst whatever bubble I had found myself in. I couldn’t pretend any longer though, I giggled as he tickled my waist.

“I know you’re awake,” his deep sleep filled voice made my toes curl.

I sighed, “I don’t want to get up. Then we have to leave.” I opened my eyes and he was staring down at me, his fingers moving along my shoulder now.

He started to draw circles on my arm, “but we leave together, so it won’t be that bad. You aren’t getting rid of me that easily, Nes.”

I smiled, “no, I guess not. If we can still do this, it’ll be perfect.”

Cassian leaned in, my fingers brushing his cheek, and kissed me softly. I smiled, never realizing how amazing this could be. How truly liberating it felt to finally let someone in. My chest wasn’t tight, my body wasn’t stiff. I felt like a girl I never knew I could be as I laid there with him. He had somehow found a way to bring me back to myself. To heal whatever damage Tomas had done.

“I’ll be right back,” He said against my lips. I sighed, but pulled myself away as he got up. I nodded, watching him walk out of the room wearing only his boxers. He was beautiful, I wasn’t sure what I had thought by trying to push him away.

I closed my eyes again as he shut the door. I and fallen asleep in his shirt, after he had worshipped me over and over again. His words not mine. I had fallen apart by his mouth, his hands, by him more than once last night. I shivered just remembering how good it felt. How I never wanted him to stop. How I never knew it could be as amazing, as warm and welcoming, as this.

I couldn’t stop smiling now that Cassian and I weren’t in a fake relationship. It was like I had become a whole new person again. Like the girl Tomas had hurt was finally free to find her pieces and put them back together. I snuggled into the blankets, warm and lazy. I didn’t want to leave, this place had brought so many good things, even if Tomas had been here.

The door opened and I opened my eyes. Cassian’s face was pale when he came back into the room. He sighed loudly as he crawled back into the bed beside me. He didn’t reach for me, he didn't pull me close again. He leaned against the headboard and his eyes stayed on the door.

“Hey,” I sat up and touched his hand, “everything okay?”

He nodded, coming out of his trance, “yeah. I just, ran into Tomas when I went downstairs.”

My eyes got wide, “what happened?”

“Nothing,” he sighed and finally reached for me, “he doesn’t matter. You. You matter.”

I smiled as he kissed me and I forgot all about Tomas and whatever had happened between him and Cassian. All that mattered was Cassian’s skin against mine.

“We have a few hours to kill,” he whispered as his hands pulled at the shirt against my hips. His eyes sparkled as I opened mine and I knew he was trying to forget whatever had happened. 

I giggled, wrapping my arms around his neck. I melted into him as the sun got higher in the sky.

*-*

It was almost noon by the time we pulled apart and got our things ready to go home. I got dressed, much to Cassian’s dismay. He had tried relentlessly to get him to join him in the shower. As tempting as that was, I knew we needed to get ready to leave if we wanted to get home at a decent hour. I was folding my clothes and putting them away, still smiling.

It was bittersweet, leaving this weekend behind. Then again I couldn’t wait to get home. For the first time the idea of being with someone didn’t scare me. Cassian was safe, he was solid. Cassian felt like home.

Arms came around me from behind and he was still damp. I didn’t care, I leaned into him as his hair dripped on his shoulders. He kissed my jaw, “I had a fun weekend, Nesta. With you.”

I smiled, “yeah I did too.”

He rubbed my shoulders before stepped away to grab his things. He got dressed, my eyes watching as he pulled his shirt on the way guys do. Pulling it over his head and his stomach twisting with the movement. I bit my lip, watching the towel strain against his hips. My cheeks flushed as I felt the warmth flood through me.

“Like what you see?” he asked as he stepped forward and grabbed my waist. I shook my head, bringing my eyes to his, “because it’s yours. I am yours Nesta.”

He brought my hand up to his chest and pressed it against his chest, “you’re so fucking corny. I can’t.”

He laughed, kissing me before grabbing his jeans, “and you love it. Admit it, Nesta. You love my corniness.”

I stuck my tongue out at him, “put on some pants, brute.”

“You weren’t saying that last night,” he wiggled his eyebrows as he finished getting dressed. He started to gather his things and put them in his bags. Everyone was already waiting downstairs for us, waiting to say goodbye. We all had long drives ahead of us.

Cassian took my bag with his and went down ahead of me to put them in the car. I walked down the stairs and I heard them laughing. I smiled as I went into the foyer and looked at everyone who had come this weekend. I stood with my sisters and hugged Elain first. She kissed my cheek and apologized for not calling enough. I told her it was okay, she was busy and so was I.

We would do better. We would be better sisters in the future.

Cassian came back in when I was standing with Feyre. I hugged her once more, "I promise to come home more," I said quietly as everyone talked amongst themselves, "I promise."

She smiled, "good. I promise to come to you too. I'm glad we talked about things. And I'm glad you've found someone. Your very own Rhys."

I rolled my eyes, "oh god if I ever get that public with my affection shoot me please."

My little sister giggled. I hugged Elain again and then Rhys. He apologized for not telling me about the wedding, and I told him it was okay. I told him he better take care of my sister with his life. He laughed and promised me no matter what Feyre would be safe with him. 

Azriel gave me a nod, he wasn’t big on public affection and neither was I. I looked around and I realized that Mor was missing. 

Cassian came up behind me, “it was nice meeting you guys,” he lost some of his smile as Tomas came down the steps. He squeezed my waist as Rhys nodded and then reached for Feyre.

“I hope my sister brings you around more,” Feyre said as she hugged him. He kissed her cheek and then Tomas stepped closer to us. Cassian looked at me and then the room got tense. He let me go and took a step away.

He stepped towards the hallway, “I’ll be right back. I left something in the kitchen.”

Tomas followed him with his eyes and watched as Cassian disappeared. I looked at Feyre and shrugged, telling her that we would make plans to get together as soon as I got home and figured out my schedule. Ten minutes passed and Cassian still hadn’t come back.

"Well we should get going. At this rate we won't make it back by evening," I turned and looked towards the kitchen where Cassian had gone. More than likely in search of a snack, "where did my boyfriend go?"

I walked towards the kitchen looking for Cass and my jaw dropped. Because I found him, with his hands on Mor's hips and their lips inches apart. I watched as they kissed, my heart breaking. I cleared my throat, unsure what to say. They jumped apart, Cassian’s eyes were huge as my heart sunk. He pulled away from Mor, but the damage had already been done.

"I um. I was looking for you," Mor was smiling, Cassian looked like a kid with his hand in a cookie jar, "it's time to go."

I spun on my heel and Cassian ran for me, "Nesta wait. Please listen," he grabbed my wrist, "she kissed me Nesta."

I nodded my head, "right. I saw her hold you down and force herself on you," tears filled my eyes as everyone stopped getting ready to leave and watched the fight that was about to happen, "I don't even know what to say."

Cassian looked hurt. But then his eyes went over my head and he pulled himself together. His face lost all expression. His jaw tensed and his hand dropped my wrist. I watched his fingers curl into a fist.

Time slowed down then.

Cassian glanced at Tomas as we all stood in the foyer again. This time he wasn’t holding me, this time he was standing away from me, my heart trying to understand what had just happened. Why Cassian had been sweet with me one minute and trying to get with Mor the next. 

I let out a breath as everyone watched us. No one but the three of us knew what had happened. But they could all feel the tension. They could all see Cassian’s shoulders were tense, "Nes. Can we talk?"

"Cass we have a three hour car drive, and I honestly don’t want to talk about it right now. I just,” I pushed down my tears, “I don’t want to talk to you.”

He shook his head, Tomas's eyes staring at us. He let out a shaky breath and looked at the floor. Something about the way he held himself. As if there was a weight in his shoulders, made me take a step forward. It made me forget about the fact that he had just been kissing my sister’s friend. Because he looked so different from the man I had brought here. So different from the boy who told me this had always been real for him. 

Something was wrong and that scared me.

But I froze, I stopped reaching for him, the moment he spoke.

"I think we should see other people." His eyes didn't meet mine. They were still glued to the floor. Like he though he could try hard enough to will it to open up and swallow him whole.

"I'm sorry what?" My entire chest caved in as Cassian's words hit me.

"I think we should break up," his words were hard, yet so soft I could barely hear them. Everyone was watching, including Tomas.

Tears filled my eyes. Because yesterday things had changed. Because yesterday we had been moving towards more. He kissed me, he touched me. I let him in, he was under my skin. I let out a shaky breath.

Mor laughed, making me look in her direction, "figures. He slept with me for three weeks and never called once he was done. Cassian is not a relationship kind of guy. I was just reminding him of all those lovely nights when you so rudely interrupted us.”

I raised an eyebrow, "excuse me? You two know each other?"

Rhys laughed, "that's why I recognized you! You were all over my cousin at the bar on St. Patrick’s day!”

My eyes were burning as I stared at Cassian. His cheeks were red, his hands were flexing. And Tomas stood there smiling, watching the whole thing as if he had planned this to happen. It would've been bittersweet if he had a camera in his hand.

My life had come full circle, this house, Tomas. Everyone watching as he ruined me once and for all.

Cassian shook his head, but Mor spoke first, "actually we do. He probably doesn't remember since he was drunk beyond reason. But he took me home a few months ago. Slept with me and then left. If I recall that was our pattern every weekend for about a month."

"We've all had one night stands right?"

"Except I remember you," half her mouth curled up, "because you told me you loved me. You told me you cared. You listened when I told you about my friends. About the girl who's sister was hard to handle. I told you all about Nesta. And you told me if you ever met her, you would break her."

I let out a sob, Cassian's eyes flying back to mine. My hands covered my face, "this really was all a game to you."

"No it wasn't," he reached for me, "Nesta please. I don't remember what she's talking about. I swear if I said it, it was the arrogant man child I used to be."

My entire chest caved in. I had done this to myself. I had broken my own heart by believing I could have someone like Cassian. By believing Cassian would ever want someone like me. Tears filled my eyes and I tried to stop the ache that spread through me.

I couldn't wait until the numbness finally set back in.

"You know what you're right," I stood up taller and forced my head high, "we shouldn't be together. This will never work."

Cassian's face fell and he reached for my hand. "Nesta," his eyes word wide, pleasing with me to understand. Except I couldn't because for the first time in my life I was truly, utterly heartbroken.

“Can we please just talk about this in the car?” he sounded so hurt, so broken I almost agreed to it. But then his skin almost brushed mine and my entire body broke. A flash of them in the kitchen hit me, the way he had been looking at her, the closeness of their faces. It was all too much and I gave into hit. 

I guess it was ironic, the whole weekend was one big joke on Nesta. Because Mor had done exactly what Tomas had tried to do with me. She had gotten between us. She had ruined whatever we had almost started.

"Don't touch me," I snapped as I stepped away from him, "find your own way back to the city. I'm done with you."

I turned and walked towards the car, grabbing my bag that sat by the door. I heard someone ask what had just happened, Cassian called for me. Tomas laugh, it was the loudest sound I could hear as I threw my bag onto the seat and started the car. I didn't let the tears fall until I had made it to the main road.

I pulled over onto the side of the road, my knuckles turning white from holding onto the steering wheel so tightly as the tears started to fall. Because once the damn broke, when I realized how I had already fallen in love with him before we ever laid down in that bed together, I couldn't stop. I cried harder than I had ever cried before.

Because this was what had scared me. Letting someone in, only to let them ruin what was left of my heart.


	11. Chapter 11

It took me two days to finally find the strength to unpack. I left Cassian's bag in my trunk, I couldn't look at it without a wave of nausea coming over me. My entire body hurt from giving into him, only to have my heart broken and stomped on in front of my entire family. Although my body and my heart didn't hurt nearly as bad as my pride.

I had broken my own rule. It was my own fault I was in this position. I let those pretty brown eyes get to me. I had kissed him, I let him see me, all of me, and he got the last laugh. By ending our arrangement the way I wanted it to be ended. By doing exactly what I had been thinking of doing. In front of everyone.

But that was before he kissed me. Before he asked me out on a real date.

Rhysand had watched him as if he had known him. Mor had called us out for being too obsessed when we apparently shouldn't have been. Mor had known the entire time who he was and she knew we weren't actually dating. She waited, like a predator assessing her prey, until she could hurt me. Until she could do more damage than Tomas ever dared.

But why? She had been my sisters friend all through school. Hell they were as close as her and Rhys. Why would she hurt me? I never did anything to her.

I never cared about her.

My brain hurt from trying to understand everything that had happened to me this weekend. Everything that had gone down and had somehow spiraled my world out of control. If I kept trying to make sense of it I would go crazy. I would break down and never be able to find my way out of the new darkness.

The suffocating darkness.

I blinked away more tears and started to pull my clothes out of the dryer. The small chore of laundry was keeping my mind off the weekend. I had spent the last two days trapped in my head, replaying everything that had happened. Wondering where I had gone wrong, why Cassian had acted the way he did before we left. We had been tangled up in my sheets and then we were nothing. I couldn't stop wondering why I wasn't good enough.

I tried to push things out of my mind. I looked at my clothes, not really seeing them. But then my heart stopped. I pulled a sweatshirt, a dark and faded maroon sweatshirt into my hands and they started shaking. This wasn't mine, it didn't belong to me or my sisters. More tears choked me as I remembered the conversation we had while tangled up in those sheets. I told him I'd steal all his shirts since he said I looked so good in them.

It was an unspoken rule, I got at least three shirts and one sweatshirt no matter what. I closed my eyes, seeing his easy smile as he kept running his fingers up and down my skin. He must have slipped this into my bag before he ended our pretend relationship. Before he crushed what little hope I had left.

I opened my eyes and touched the white letters. Before I realized what I was doing I brought the hoodie up to my nose. Even after sitting in a bag for two days, it still smelled like him. It still made me think of home. 

I slid to my knees, clutching the hoodie as the tears spilled down my cheeks. I couldn't hold myself together anymore. Because as much as I wanted to deny it, I missed that big brute. I missed his laugh, his easy smile. I missed how easy he made it, how easy it was to open up to him, for him.

I shook my head, burying my face in his sweatshirt. How had one guy, one cocky and arrogant guy, gotten through my thick walls? He was not someone I would have went searching for. He was everything all my previous boyfriends weren't. He was dark and mysterious. He was broken and healing.

He was a lot like me.

Maybe that's why I had felt so safe with him. Because he was better than all he guys before. Because he wasn't just a little boy. He had been through worse shit than I could even imagine. His scars were deep, a lot deeper than mine. But he could still smile. He could still laugh.

Somehow he pulled me out of the darkness.

I pulled his sweatshirt on. It was warm, his scent over flowing me. It hurt, knowing I had actually fallen for him. I wanted him and he had just taken my heart and cut it out of my chest. I let myself fall apart again. For tonight I'd mourn what could have been. And then tomorrow, I'd pull myself back together. I'd rebuild my walls and figure out a way to move on. I didn't need him, but I'd have to find a way to stop wanting him.

The radio changed. The advertisement ended and my world crashed again. Because it was the song. The one I had danced to with Cassian, wishing my sheets smelled like him. God I wish I could talk to him. I didn't want to talk to him and yet I did. I was so confused, fighting myself on every topic that involved Cassian.

I was hurting too much to figure out what I truly wanted. 

Somehow he had brought me back to life. He made all the chaos, the noise die. And I let myself need him. I let myself want his comfort, his warm arms. For the first time I let myself need someone.

I was more upset with myself than him at this point.

I pulled my knees up to my chest. My lungs felt like they were on fire. Like shards of ice were ripping into them with every breath I took. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something, no someone. Tears were blinding me. I had cried more tears in the past two days than I had in my entire life. 

It was ironic, Tomas hadn’t broken me this time. It was Cassian who shattered what had been left of my heart. The one who promised to help me, to protect me, was the one who ended up killing me in the end.

I didn't think as I reached into my pocket. My hands shook as I pulled out my phone. I knew he had put his number in as soon as I agreed to our date. I let out a breath, another wave of anger and pain hit me. My heart shattered all over again as I saw my background.

I had forgotten I changed it. The picture of us in bed, happy and together. It made it even harder to breathe. Because that moment was everything I never knew I wanted. Everything and more. It was heat, it was passion. It was real. And I thought it would stick.

God what a fool I had been.

My thumb hovered over his name. My brute. That's what he put himself in as. Like he had always belonged to me. Like I had belonged to him. Like that moment made it real and nothing would ever change between us.

I clicked it, listening to it ring. Then his deep voice filled my ear, "hello?"

I laughed, "Cassian," my voice broke. He probably didn't even know it was me. My throat was raw; I sounded like I was dying.

I felt like I was dying.

The line was quiet. I heard him sit up, the rustle of papers or something in the background telling me he wasn't laying around thinking of me. He was probably at work. He had probably forgotten all about me. He had probably gotten in a good laugh with Mor about how he had broken me after all and went to find a new challenge. A new girl to roll around with.

"Nesta?"

I sighed, wiping away my tears. My mind was muddled, I felt like I was drunk again. Except it wasn't hazy, it was sharp and painful, "I really shouldn't care. But it hurts. I hurt and that's why I made the rules, Cass. It's why I built the walls."

"Nesta, please. Let me explain. Tomas-"

I laughed, my pain turning into anger, "you got what you wanted. You got to me, you broke me Cassian. Worse than Tomas ever could. Because I cared for you. I let you in."

"Nesta I care for you too. Please let me see you. Let me tell you what happened."

"Why? So you can see exactly how broken I am? So you can gloat to Mor and everyone else how you tamed the wild sister and then tore her to shreds? Goodbye Cassian."

"Nesta no. Wait please."

I hung up as the door to my apartment opened and Feyre walked in. Her face fell when she saw me sitting there on the floor. My face felt puffy, I’m sure it looked even worse. She knelt down beside me, her hand on my arm.

My sister sighed, "oh Nesta," she pulled me into her arms, "Rita said you were bad, but I didn't realize how bad."

I hiccuped as I hugged my little sister tightly, "it hurts, Fey. God it hurts so bad. He broke me."

"Shh." She held me tightly as she led me to my room. She didn't miss the sweatshirt I was wearing. Her eyes wide and deep as she sighed, "it'll be okay, Nes. I promise."

"I don't want a heart," I whispered as the tears started to kill me to sleep, "it hurts too much. To care. To love."

"You loved him?" Her voice was soft, but I heard her. I heard the surprise, I heard the shock. Her eyes held mine, her hand warm against my arm, "don't be afraid of your heart, big sister."

"I blame you," her face fell as I snapped at her. The words were hard and if they had edges they would've cut her. I knew that hurt, I knew I had hit my mark. But that's what I was going for. I wanted to hurt someone, the same way Cassian had hurt me. She was trying to help me, and I was trying to destroy me. 

I turned over and closed my eyes, finally shutting down. The pain faded as I let the darkness of sleep claim me, my sister still beside me. I never deserved her love and I never would. Not after this moment. Not after Cassian had broken what little hope, what little love, I had left.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for all the broken hearts.

It didn't hurt as much at work, surrounded by books. Even though the day was dragging and I felt like time would never move forward. It still hurt, that crack in my heart had gotten bigger but it wasn’t throbbing when I could focus on something other than what had happened. When I could look at the books and pretend like my life wasn’t falling apart. It was slightly easier to breathe, but I knew when I went home the numbness would fade.

And the pain would return.

When I woke up Feyre was still there. She had crawled into bed with me and stayed, trying to help ease my pain. I wasn't any nicer to her. I was worse and I knew it was wrong. Because she didn't have to stay. She didn't have to try and help me.

But she did. Because for some reason Feyre always cared more than us. She always tried harder. And that made this whole thing worse. It made my heart hurt worse. It made the break ache even more than before.

Because it reminded me of all those years ago when she used to hold my hand and we all slept in a bed together. When we were poor and cold and our father didn't give a damn about us. It was Feyre who kept us warm, who kept the clothes on our backs. It was Feyre who sang Elain a lullaby so she could sleep.

And it was Feyre who was trying so hard to mend my broken heart. My broken world.

Today all I wanted to do was snap at her. I was done crying so now my grief had turned to anger. I was angry at the world and my little sister was in my path.

Feyre left when I went to get ready for work. She hugged me tightly and promised it would get better. I knew she wanted to tell me to talk to Cassian, but right now I couldn't. She knew that too so she didn't push that on me. She was just there for me. Promising to call me later to check up.

I was seven hours into my shift and the hollowness in my chest was still there.

"Nesta can you go fill the displays up front before you go?" My manger had a V cart in front of her and I nodded. I hadn't talked at all today, too afraid I'd lose it in front of my co workers.

I pushed the cart up front and saw it was raining. It had been raining all day. A gloomy day to match my gloomy mood. I sighed and turned towards the best seller bay and started to put the books out where they went. I stood by the doors as the rain fell. The door opened and someone's umbrella splashed me with water. 

"Hey. I'd really like to stay dry thank you," I turned around ready to glare at whoever it was who got me wet. Instead my stomach dropped when I found the last person I thought I would see standing there.

"You're supposed to tell me the books don't want to get wet either.” He wore that crooked smile that even now made my knees weak.

I glared at him, "get out Cassian."

"Nesta please," he reached for my hand but I pulled away, "give me a chance to explain."

“What's there to explain Cass? You played the part so well that even I fell for us. And now I get to mend my broken heart."

He shook his head, "I came to see you. I can’t stay away, Nesta.”

I bit my lip, "I suppose you're here for the money. I have to be honest I don't really have $500 to give you."

"I don't want your money, Nesta. I want to explain. To prove to you this wasn't a game to me. Please, I knew you'd have to listen here at work.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow. Cassian was quiet, watching me, waiting for me to shoot him down yet again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to listen, but I wanted to push him away even more. The rain kept falling, the only sound I could hear was the pattern it made on the roof. I barely noticed other people trying to get around us. All I could see was the person who had shattered my heart. The boy who had whispered pretty promises.

And then broke them all.

He let out a breath, his fingers running through his hair. It was shorter, I realized as we stood there. It was still longer than most guys, but it didn’t reach his shoulders. He probably couldn’t tie it back anymore.

Before I could stop myself I spoke, “you cut your hair.”

He blushed, “I uh. Yeah a few days ago. But that’s not why I’m here. Can we talk Nesta, please? Really talk?”

My cheeks burned, mirroring his, “I liked your long hair.”

He was like a drug. I couldn’t stop myself once I started opening up to him. I had forgotten how easy it was with him. How right it felt, even now with my heart barely put together inside my chest. I wanted to stay in this moment forever. To stand there with him in awkward silence. Because it was better than not having him at all.

Cassian’s hand fell back down to his side and he looked around. He didn’t answer my comment about his hair. He just went right to the point of why he was here.

”He put a camera in our room, Nesta. He has the entire weekend filmed. You and me not as a couple, us as a couple. Everything," Cassian's eyes were huge, "and he told me if I didn't break up with you he would show your sisters. He would show them both."

I stopped breathing for a second. The world lost light as I realized what he was saying. He would show them both videos, he would ruin me worse than he had tried to before. I looked down at my hands, "but if you did it? What happens to that video?"

Cassian shrugged, "he promised me to put it wherever the hell he keeps the other one. But I couldn't let him hurt you that way again. Not when I had tried so hard to pull you out of the first round."

He was doing it again. He was protecting me instead of himself. He was putting me, someone he barely knew, above himself. He let Tomas get between us so that I would be hurt. He broke my heart so Tomas didn’t break my soul.

I stood up taller. “Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because he showed me some of the first tape, the one from before and I just. I couldn't let him hurt you again. I couldn't let him tell your sisters, even if we changed our minds."

My fingers curled against his arm. I let out a slow breath and I felt my anger give way. Cassian had done this to protect me. Again he was too good, too sweet.

"You should've found a way to tell me before now."

"He was watching me. He was blackmailing me. Trust me if I could have I would have. But you left me at the house and I couldn't find a moment when he wasn't watching."

"What about Mor?"

"She was a one night stand. A regret I made when I was younger. When I chased girl after girl not even realizing I was searching for you."

I nodded, "good answer. So where does this leave us?"

"Well I was still hoping for that date," he leaned closer and before I could stop him, he pressed his lips to mine.

I lost myself in him. I had missed him more than I cared to admit and I realized it as he kissed me. I forgot where I was, what I had been doing. I breathed Cassian into my lungs and felt my heart stitch back together.

"Well she never gave me that kind of service," someone's voice broke out perfect moment. We pulled apart and a customer stood there smiling. He was a regular.

I blushed, "sorry Rick. I um. Did you need help?"

Cassian didn't let me go. "No you seem occupied."

I smiled as he walked away, turning back to face Cassian. But he looked over my shoulder and glared.

I heard him before I saw him, "well isn't this sweet. The happy couple back together again."

I whirled around as Cassian stepped between me and Tomas, "what are you doing here? Don't you have anything better to do than follow us around?"

"Well Nesta raved about the city so much I thought maybe I needed a change of scenery."

His eyes sparkled with vengeance. Cassian stayed in front of me. "Leave us alone."

"No can do," he took a step forward, "I have to finish what I started, darling."

"I don't care if you tell them," I said, my hand landing on Cassian's arm, "you don't scare me anymore, Tomas. So go pick on someone your own size."

He wiggled his eyebrows. "Oh don't worry. I think you'll care when I'm done with you.”

Tomas had that sick smile on his face as he walked away, Cassian letting out a long breath, “I should’ve known this wouldn’t be easy. Nothing that’s worth it is ever easy.”

He turned around to face me and I touched his cheek, ”it doesn't matter anymore. The tape, both of them. Tomas doesn’t matter. Because we might have started off that way but we aren't that way anymore. So let him tell my sisters, let him try to ruin us. I don’t care. All I care is that you’re here.”

I stood up on my tip toes and his hands closed around my hips, “no one has ever fought for me, Cass. No one has ever tried as hard as you have.”

His smile was beautiful. It mended a few pieces of my broken heart, “I will fight for you, Nesta. Hell I’ll fight beside you too. You’ve gotten under my skin and I don’t know how I did it all before you walked into that cafe and offered me five hundred dollars to be your boyfriend for four days.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “I’m not paying you,” I whispered as I pulled away. I looked around and remembered we were still standing in the bookstore. I was still on the clock.

Cassian smiled slightly. Then he ran his hand through his hair and lost the light in his eyes. "I know.” he bit his lip and his eyes went towards the door were Tomas had gone, “but he watched it all, Nesta. He knows how um. Happy you were those last few nights."

I blushed slightly and Cassian laughed, "don't worry. I had no idea I was so good," he kissed my temple and I glared at him, "I know I hurt you. But I was trying to protect you."

I let out a sigh, "will you... come back to my place? I want to tell you everything. I want to. I just want you."

Cassian's face lit up, "right now I'd follow you anywhere."

Before I could say something my manager raised her eyebrows at me from the registers. I blushed and turned back to the cart, picking up a book and trying to make it look like I was helping Cassian. He got the hint and took a step closer, but he didn’t look at the book.

"I know you told me you didn't like flowers. So I brought you something else," he let out a breath as we stood there and fiddled with his hands. 

I raised an eyebrow, "are you trying to buy my affection? I mean I thought I didn't have to pay you now."

Cassian laughed and pulled an envelope out of his pocket, "I wrote you this. I uh. I originally planned on sending it or leaving it at your place. But Feyre told me I needed to get my shit together and talk to you. I still want you to read it."

I took the letter and I ran my hand over the edge. I took in a deep breath and I felt like maybe I could forgive him. Like maybe we could move towards what we had been, what we could have been.

"I'm really sorry," Cassian winced when I didn't say anything. I just kept staring at the letter, "I just couldn't tell you in front of them all."

I nodded, "I have like fifteen minutes of my shift left. Wait for me?"

He smiled that crooked smile, "of course."

I put away the last of my stack and then told my manager I was leaving. I put the envelope in my bag, I wouldn't read it until I decided what to do, how I felt about him. Cassian was there, waiting for me in the cafe once I grabbed my things. He looked even better than I remembered. 

"Hey can you hold this for me?" He asked as I got to his side and he held out his closed hand. 

I looked at him confused, "sure?"

I held my hand up and then he took it, unclenching his hand and lacing our fingers together. I couldn't help but laugh at his stupid corniness. I shook my head and he pulled me into his side.

"I really missed your laugh. I missed making you laugh," he whispered softly, placing a kiss against my temple.

I leaned into him, "I missed you. It hurt, to think about what you did. But I still missed you Cass. A lot more than I should."

"I promise Nesta I didn't kiss her. I don't even remember her very well. I uh. Went through this dark phase, sleeping with every girl I danced with. It was after I lost my mom. And I know it was wrong, but I couldn't stop. She must have been one of them."

I pulled Cassian to a stop, "I'm trying to understand okay? I believe you. Tomas wanted nothing more than to get in between us, to hurt me and you at the same time. And he knew by targeting you it would hurt me more. I believe you."

"Let's just move past this," he whispered softly as he held my gaze. I nodded slowly and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

Tears glistened in his eyes, his fingers touching my cheek, "when he showed me that video I wanted to crush his bones. Because you were passed out. Because even I could see you struggling."

I covered his mouth with my hand, "please. I don't want to talk about it."

He took my wrist gently in his hand, "but I figured I would let you do the honors of hurting him."

I have him a small smile and pulled myself into his side, "thanks Cass."

When we got back to my apartment it was empty. Rita wasn’t home and I was thankful for that. I took Cassian to my room, he looked at the tiny space with big eyes, “so this is Nesta’s room. Wow, I like it.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled off my shoes, “I um. Found one of your sweatshirts in my bag. I also have your bag, it’s in my trunk,” I sat down on my bed, wondering if he would want those things back. I wasn’t sure where we were. I felt myself moving towards forgiving him, but I was still confused. I was still hurt over what he did to me.

Cassian sat down on the bed beside me. Slowly he reached out and took my hand. I looked at him, his thumb rubbing circles over my skin, soothing away whatever worries were starting to form. I brought my legs up and tucked them under me. Cassian climbed up to sit beside me, pulling me into his chest. I didn’t protest, I let him hold me. Because I knew the moment I started talking I would need his strength, his warmth.

Cassian moved and wrapped his arms around me as we laid down together on my bed. I laid my head on his chest, running my fingers across his stomach. I waited a minute and then closed my eyes. I couldn't look at him when I told the story.

"You said he showed you the video?"

"Yeah. But I want to know what happened before, Nes."

Tears filled my eyes, "Tomas was dating Elain. He chose her because she's pretty and sweet. He decided, after a few months, he was done waiting for her to give him what he wanted. So he sought me out because he knew I had always been a little.... I had had a crush on him when we were younger. So he tried to get me to give him what Elain wouldn't. But she's my sister and I would never do that."

Cassian's arms tightened as the words blocked my throat. I took in a deep breath, "so the night of this party he told me he was going to break up with her. He didn't feel the same and he would let her down gently. So when he called me into that bedroom I thought it was because it had been done. But I was drunk and stumbling. And somehow he got to me. He seduced me, but made it look like I wanted him. He filmed everything, including the moment where he started touching me."

Tears slipped down my cheek, "Nesta."

"What you didn't see. What he edited out of that horrible video was my protesting. I tried to stop him. I didn't want to sleep with him. But once the alcohol numbed me I stopped fighting. He told me that he was going to show my sisters. I know he told Feyre. And I've been trying to outrun his ghost ever since."

Cassian pulled me in as I cried. His lips pressed against the top of my head and his hand rubbed up and down my back, "it's not your fault."

I clung to him, feeling some of the weight, of the pain loosen as he soothed me. 

After a moment I pulled back and forced myself to look into his honey brown eyes, "Cassian. It stopped. Not all of it, but when you touch me I forget. I don't feel guilty. I don't hurt. You make it easier to remember what it's like to feel something."

Cassian smiled slightly, his lips finding mine. He kissed me softly, his hands on either side of my face. I crawled up onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I care about you Nesta. I don't care what that little shit head does. I want you."

I smiled slightly, "no one ever stayed. No one ever cared enough to try."

"Well now you've got me sweetheart.” Cassian’s thumb hooked on my lip and pulled gently, "Nesta," his voice was full of air, "are we okay?"

I hummed as I kissed his neck, "I haven't decided yet," his hands grabbed my waist and pulled me forward, "you have a lot to make up for."

He laughed slightly as I bit down on his ear. His hand slipped under my shirt and I pushed him back against the headboard. I leaned into him, his finger slipped under my bra. I smiled against his lips, but before we could move further the phone rang.

"Don't answer it," he muttered as I pulled away.

I saw my sisters name, "I have to."

He groaned but then let me go. His hands going back to my hips. "Hello?"

To my surprise Rhys was on the other end. My heart stopped when I heard his distraught voice, "Nesta. It’s Feyre. She's been in an accident.”


	13. Chapter 13

I all but ran to my car once I untangled myself from Cassian. I had no idea what Rhys meant by an accident, but so many terrible scenarios were going through my head. Cassian followed me, already aware that I would need him. I didn’t even have to ask him, he knew me better than I knew myself already. I fumbled with the keys, dropping them before I could even unlock the car.

Cassian grabbed them, his fingers warm on my wrist. His touch made me stop and take a moment to breathe, "I'll drive."

I nodded and then went around to the passenger side. My little sister was in trouble. I couldn't even remember the last thing I said to her. I know it had been when I was hurting, I had said horrible things to her. I wiped away a tear as Cassian grabbed my hand. He squeezed it gently.

“Nesta. Breathe. She’s going to be okay."

"You didn't hear his voice. Rhys was worried. Rhys is never worried," I held onto his hand as tightly as I could, "thank you. For coming with me."

He forced a small smile and kissed the back of my hand, "I told you I'm here for you.”

Tears filled my eyes and my heart started to hurt again. Cassian squeezed my hand but I couldn’t hold it together, “the last conversation we had I wasn’t nice. I blamed her for you. I blamed her because you hurt me. I blamed her and I told her that and I hurt her. Now she’s hurt and I can’t apologize. What if I never get to apologize Cass?”

“Don’t think like that. Feyre knows you love her and you were hurting. She knows, she understands. She actually called me, after you did that night. That’s one of the reasons why I had the courage to find you at work. Because Feyre told me you needed me.”

I let out a breath, “I’ve been such a terrible sister all these years. And I only ever realize it whenever something bad happens.”

Cassian sighed, “you’re a great sister, Nesta. They love you. I saw it that weekend, when they were so happy to have you there. Feyre is going to be okay, I promise.”

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep,” I whispered softly as he sped down the highway. I clutched his hand in mine, praying that for once Cassian and his optimism was right.

The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. When we got there Cassian found a parking spot and then followed me into the ER. He was right behind me as I found Rhys sitting in the waiting room with his head in his hands.

"Rhys." I ran to him and knelt down in front of him. When his eyes met mine I saw the bags. They were red from crying. He was clutching his wedding ring, "what happened?"

I watched him swallow, "I don't know. She was out for a run and she didn't come home for dinner. I got worried, she never went running for longer than an hour. It had been two and a half. So I went looking for her, thinking she went to Elain or Mor. But neither of them had seen her. Then as I was coming back into the neighborhood there were police surrounding the corner. I got out to see and I couldn't breathe. She was..."

I grabbed his hands as he chocked on the words. His eyes filled with tears, "she was laying there bloody, her leg is broken and she was bleeding everywhere. The ambulance was coming, but I couldn't stop from running forward. They let me through when I said I was her husband. Someone hit her. And they just left her there Nesta. On the side of the road, bleeding and hurt."

I wrapped my arms around him as he broke down. My sister had been hit by a car, she had been hurt and left alone. I closed my eyes as Rhys gripped my waist and held me tightly against him. 

"She's going to be okay. She's strong."

He nodded, "but she was scared and I wasn't there Nesta. I wasn't there."

I pulled back, "but you came as soon as you could. She needs you now, when the doctors come to get us. She needs you as you are, the man she loves. You can't break down again."

He nodded, his eyes finally landing on Cassian who stood beside us watching, "I thought you two broke up?"

I shivered as I stood up, stilling holding Rhys's hands. Cassian came and put his hand on my waist, "we made up. I was with her when you called and she was upset. I drove her."

Rhys smile slightly, "right. God I've been here forever. She's been in surgery for over an hour."

He pulled his hair and looked at me. I sat down beside him as Cassian took the seat beside me. The room was quiet as we settled in, waiting to find out the fate of my sister.

*-*

It felt like we were waiting in that hospital forever. We sat in the lobby in silence, Cassian holding my hand and in turn I was holding Rhysands. He was falling apart, I had never seen him such a mess. I could tell sitting there, how much he truly cared about my little sister. Not that there was ever a question towards his devotion. But it was plain to see how broken he was without her.

"When she went to see you the other day," Rhys's voice cut through the silence, "she told me that you needed her. I thought it was weird because you never need anyone, Nesta. But Feyre told me how different you were. How much you were hurting. And I saw her again, the little sister she had always wanted to be."

I looked at my brother in law and I squeezed his hand, "I was so mean to her. I shouldn't have been. She came to help me, but I wanted to hurt someone as much as I was hurting and she was there. She was in my path."

Rhysand laughed, "she came home and told me how upset you were and you know what she said? She said that you were finally opening up to her and she doesn't care how mean you are. As long as you're talking to her, she knows you care."

A tear slipped down my cheek. Cassian pulled me into his chest as I fell apart. Rhys watched us, Cassian kissing the top of my head, "Nes she's going to be okay."

I shook my head, "but if she's not," I hiccuped as I clung to his shirt, letting go of Rhysand's hand, "Cass. What if she's not."

My voice was small, I didn't want to upset Rhys more than he already was. But it was hard to stop thinking of everything that could go wrong. Cassian wrapped his arms around me as I remembered all the moments Feyre had been there for me and I hadn't been there for her. She was the little sister, and yet she had always taken care of us. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Rhysand.

He let out a breath, "we all love her, Nes. I should call Elain and Mor."

In the chaos of it all I had forgotten about my middle sister. I didn't think to call her or anyone else. I nodded as Cassian kept holding me, running his fingers up and down my arm gently. I took in a deep breath.

I closed my eyes and thought of those cold nights we all used to huddle together for warmth. We had shared a bed until we were far too old to be in one. More tears filled my eyes, Cassian's heart beat strong in my ear. This wasn't fair. Feyre had done nothing wrong. This was my fault. I wasn't sure how but I knew I was the reason she was here.

And I'd never forgive myself if she wasn't okay.

"Are you here for Feyre Acheron?"

The doctor asked as I pulled away from Cassian. Rhysand had disappeared so I stood up and wiped away my tears, "she's my sister. Her husband just stepped out."

"She's determined to live. She lost a lot of blood, however long she laid there wasn't good for her. She's got a concussion and a broken leg and a few bruised ribs. But she's going to be okay. We have her sedated right now, but you can go see her."

"Thank you," I grabbed Cassian's hand as he stood behind me. The doctor walked away and I waited until Rhys came back. His face looked drawn, he didn't look like the self assured man I had come to know.

"She's out of surgery," I said and his face lit up, "we can go back. She's got a broken leg and a concussion. They have her sedated so she isn't awake yet. But she's going to be okay."

I stepped away from Cassian and hugged Rhys tightly. It felt right, leaning on him when Feyre needed us both. Cassian nodded as I came back to his side. He wrapped his arm around me and then we all walked back towards her room. Cassian kept me close, his thumb running lightly over the the small of my back. It was soothing, it was perfect.

Rhys pushed open the door and I let out a small cry. Cassian had to grab me before I stumbled. In the light she looked even worse than before. She was still bruised, tubes were hooked to her. Her leg was elevated and in a giant cast. There were scratches all over her beautiful face. Her eyes was swollen, but her chest was rising and falling.

She was breathing on her own.

Rhys sat down and grabbed her left hand, looking at her beautiful ring. Tears filled his eyes and I leaned into Cassian. I took a step forward and touched her right hand. 

I closed my eyes and thought back to all those winters when she used to be the one to bring home food. She got a job, she made sure Elain and I were fed and clothed. Our father never cared, but Feyre always did. That should've been my role, I was older. But I had been selfish.

"I'm sorry," I whispered softly as I ran the tips of my fingers over her cheek, "I am so sorry Fey."

I took in a deep breath and her eyes fluttered open. She didn't look at me, she looked at Rhys, who let out a sob as she woke up. I smiled slightly, watching tears fall down his cheek as he leaned in and kissed her. She winced, but she embraced him back.

"Hey," she whispered softly, "you look like hell."

He laughed, "I didn't think I'd ever hear that sassy voice again," he kissed her cheek gently, then her lips. Cassian squeezed my shoulder, "you have no idea how badly you scared me darling."

"What happened?" She asked in her small voice. 

Rhysand started to tell her, but then her eyes fell on me. Well actually they fell on Cassian, then slid down to me, "Nesta."

I leaned in and hugged her, "you gave us a scare, Fey. Please don't do that again."

Rhys started to tell her what happened and I stood up. Cassian held me close and kissed my temple. I closed my eyes and felt the events of the day catch up to me.

"I'm going to get some coffee, do you want some?" I asked him softly as Rhys told Feyre about the car accident. I wanted to let them have a moment together. 

"No I'm okay. Do you want me to come?" He asked quietly, watching the couple have a moment.

"I'm okay. I'll be right back I promise okay? They can't get to bad, she's got an IV in."

Cassian flushed as he sat down and Feyre looked at him. I heard him starting to tell her that he took her advice and she said it was about time. I shook my head and then walked out of the room smiling. It seemed like everything was going to be okay.

Through the haze of my tears and exhaustion I found my way down the dimly lit hall. I stood at the coffee machine breathing a sigh of relief and tapping my fingers against the sides. Feyre was bruised and sore but my little sister was going to be okay. It felt like days had passed since we got here, not just hours.

I pushed the button for a vanilla latte and leaned against the machine. I pushed my eyes into the crook of my elbow and blew out a breath. I was exhausted. Between what happened with Cassian and then the fear that had hit me when Feyre had been hit, my body hated me. I just wanted to sleep.

I wanted to curl up with my boyfriend. I wanted to finally sleep as soundly as we had at the cabin. I hadn't gotten a good nights rest since that last night.

But I knew I couldn't leave here until I apologized to my sister. 

I watched the coffee fill the cup. It was slow and steam billowed around the small compartment. I couldn't wait to drink some, to wake myself up. I waited a second after it reached the top of the cup, then went to pick it up. Right as my fingers grazed the cup, there were hands on my waist.

"Cass, I said I'd be right back," the hands weren't big and warm. They were rough and held me tightly. Tighter than Cassian had ever grabbed me. I gasped as I felt the bruise forming, the rough, cold hands realizing the same thing I was.

It wasn't Cassian touching me.

"You have two choices, Nesta. Come with me willingly and I leave your sisters alone. Or make me force my hand and hurt you both."

Tomas's breath was hot in my ear, his voice deeper, filled with anger. I knew the chances of Cassian coming to look for me were slim at this point. I told him I'd be back, he wasn't one to hover. I let out a slow breath and let my coffee go.

"Don't hurt them," I said as I turned around, "please I know Mor is on her way. I know she's in on helping whatever you're planning to do. So give me your word and I'll come with you."

He nodded, his eyes flashing, satisfied he had won, "Mor was only helping me ruin whatever you and Cassian were faking. Now let's go before that brute comes looking for you."

He grabbed my elbow and led me out of the waiting room. He wasn't gentle. His grip was firm. I dropped my ring, the one I had gotten from my mother long ago, near the machine, hoping someone understood. Hoping Cassian actually came searching for me and found both my coffee and ring still here.

"What do you want Tomas? Seriously wasn't it enough for you to hurt me? To hurt me and then film it? Can't you let it go?"

He smiled, "well I was fine. Because you weren't happy. But then you showed up with your fake boyfriend, I never believed your lie, and you were suddenly happy. So I figured I needed to change that. To remind you the power I still hold over you."

"Why?" I asked as he forced me into the parking garage. He pushed me towards the dark car, one I didn't recognize.

Tomas stood behind me as he opened the passenger side door. I took in a breath and as he shoved me, Cassian's words were in my ear. I picked up my foot and stomped on his foot. His grip tightened as I rammed my elbow into his ribs.

He grunted and I spun around trying to break free. I didn't think, I just knew I had to get away. I knew I had to try, especially since Cassian had tried to teach me how to defend myself. As if he knew something like this would happen.

Tomas faltered as I hit him again, surprised by my force. By my determination. I spun out of his grip and I stepped away from the car. I didn't get very far. Tomas grabbed me again and then slammed my head into the side of the car. Tears filled my eyes as my vision blurred. 

"You bitch," he sneered as he twisted my arm and opened the car door, "you aren't getting away that easily."

He pushed me into the passenger side of his car, my head spinning. My vision was blurred for a moment as he went around and got into the drivers side, locking the doors before I could consider getting out. 

Tomas let out a laugh, "because you're supposed to want me, Nesta. That's always how it's been. Tell me why it changed. Why don't you want me?"

I shook my head, his words rattling inside my head. He sped out of the garage. The sunlight blinding me, "because you wanted me to choose you or my sisters. Because you wanted me wedge between what we had, you wanted to make me into a monster."

His smile made my skin crawl, "I can't make you into something you already are."

Tears filled my eyes, "I'm not a monster. You are."

His laugh was disgusting, "well then. I hope my plans for you live up to that expectation. My plans for us."

He merged into the highway and I knew there was no chance any of them would find me. We were already so far from the hospital, even if Cassian was looking for me. I bit my lip, trying not to cry. I wouldn't let him see me weak. I wouldn't let him know that he had won.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, my heart stopped. I didn't pull it out, the weight reminding me I had a chance. Once I pulled it out he would take it. I had to wait, to find the right moment. So I let it vibrate, moving so the sound was muffled by the radio. 

"Where are we going?" My voice shook. I was actually scared now. I had never been afraid of Tomas until this moment. Before it had been empty threats and words. Now he had taken it too far. Because I had no idea what he had planned.

But from the crazy look in his eyes I knew it couldn't be good.

He didn't answer me. My phone vibrated again. I bit my lip and watched the signs speed past us. He was going well over the speed limit. We were leaving the city. My hands shook as the music changed. I closed my eyes as the song I sang to Cassian played.

He had deemed it our song not even twelve hours ago. 

The car was silent save for the musical Tomas picked up speed. I held onto the handle of the door, wondering if he planned on killing us both by wrapping the car around a tree. Half an hour passed of silence and driving and I realized where we were going. 

He was taking me back to the cabin.

I turned towards the window and pulled my phone out. I texted as fast as I could, hoping Cassian understood the words.

Tomas.  
Cabin.  
Help.

"I showed him," Tomas's voice startled me and I dropped my phone between the seat and the door. My heart was pounding, his eyes still on the road. I wasn't sure I had pressed send. I struggled to reach it as he sighed.

"I showed him the tape. The one of you coming onto me. The one that ruined you."

I rolled my eyes, "I know. He told me."

"Wow. Prince Charming isn't he? Well too bad he wasn't there to save you. He saw you, as I touched you. He watched the whole thing, my fingers against your skin. Too bad he won't be there to save you this time either."

My fingers brushed my phone. I didn't reply, focusing on picking up my phone instead. I grabbed it and let out a sigh, looking at the screen. The message had sent. Cassian had read it. All before we had lost service within the trees.

"So I take it you've figured out where we're going. But do you know why?"

"Tomas please. Wasn't hurting Feyre enough?" I had figured out it was him. I knew he had done it more for Tamlin than to hurt me. They were still friends.

Maybe it's because they were both crazy.

He let out a breath and ignored my question, "no one knows you and Cassian got back together. So I'll make it look good. You came back to the cabin, where you had been happy, to end it."

"No one will believe that. Especially if you're the one to find me. And Cassian knows," my voice broke. Cassian had to find me. Someone had to come.

Tomas smiled again, "I'll take care of him too, don't worry."

I glanced down at my phone. The car was steady and I knew I could figure out a way out of this. He had to stop, to slow down at some point. And when he did I would make a run for it. I wouldn't let this evil man win. I wouldn't stop fighting. Not she Cassian had taught me how to fight so hard.

I bit my lip and reigned in my tongue. I wouldn't let him take me back to the cabin. I wouldn't let him taint the good memories that had been made last weekend. 

Tomas took an exit and sped back up. We had another hour before we got to the road that led to the cabin. I let out a breath and manually unlocked my door. He didn't hear it open, he didn't even glance my way. He was muttering to himself, going over his insane plans.

Someone must have heard my prayers. Because we hit traffic. A little silver car was my saving grace, because Tomas had to slow down. And a red van was in the passing lane so he couldn't get over either. When he slowed to what felt like a crawl compared to the speed he had been going before, I opened the door and rolled out.

My body screamed as I fell on the pavement. My elbows cracked and I felt the cuts form on my hands and knees. But I didn't stop, I let the pain guide me. I pushed myself up off the highway and ran towards the grass. I ran for the trees as fast as I could. I had a death grip on my phone. 

The screen was cracked but it was still working. I just had to find service. I had to find a place to call for help.

I didn't look behind me as I ran. I knew Tomas had to have followed me. He had cursed loudly when I fell out of the car. He had plans, he was even crazier than I ever imagined. Which meant he would stop at nothing to find me. To finish whatever game he was playing.

A house came into view five yards ahead of me. I kept running. My feet pounding the dirt. I looked down and my phone buzzed, the power lines must mean I had service. I slid my finger across the glass, "Cassian. Thank god."

I was panting and I could barely talk. His voice was heaven sent, "where are you? Feyre is hysterical. She says you'd never lose this ring, your mother's ring. And that message. Nesta what happened?"

"Tomas," I tried to get air into my lungs, "tried to take me to the cabin. Is going to kill me."

"Nesta," he said my name and I stopped running. The house was so close I could almost touch it, "I'm coming."

"Please," I whispered before the pain sliced into my back. I screamed as Cassian yelled my name. And, somehow I kept ahold of the phone.

"Nesta!" Cassian's voice cut through the pain.

My throat was raw, "I love you," I whispered, the knife still in my back. 

I tried to fight him, even as the pain seared through me. I wanted to scream but I tried even harder to get away. Cassian's face flashed in my head. There were so many things we never got to do, so many things I didn't get to tell him. Tears filled my eyes, not from the pain of the knife. But because I had failed. Because Cassian had taught me how to get away and I couldn't.

"Nesta," Cassian's voice was still in my ear, "sweetheart remember what I taught you."

Tomas twisted the knife, "I tried, Cass. I can't. Knife."

Tomas pulled the phone out of my hands, "say goodbye to your precious little girlfriend, Cassian," my vision blurred. I was losing too much blood. I was losing it too fast.

"Cassian," I held onto his name, his promise as Tomas pulled the knife free. When he did the darkness swallowed me whole.


	14. Chapter 14

I woke up in the room I had shared with Cassian. My head was throbbing, I had no memory of how I got here. My body protested as my eyes opened and I felt the strain in every muscle I moved. It was dark, but I could see that the sheets were stained with my blood. My back hurt but I could feel a bandage in place over the wound. I winced and as I tried to sit up I felt the bindings on my wrists and my ankles pull tighter.

"I could've let you bleed out. But I figured it would be more romantic if Cassian found you here."

I struggled against the ropes, "I couldn't have tied myself up and then killed myself. You arrogant ass."

He smiled that menacing smile, "oh I know, darling," he touched my cheek and I wanted to puke, "I know how to clean up the crime.”

Cassian had asked why I hated nicknames and it all came back to the surface. His tongue spewing darling, baby, all the names I hated were because Tomas had tried to push them on me. His dark eyes, his light voice. It made me cringe, the way he looked at me and called me something sweet. As if he was making a private joke, condescending me without even trying.

He winked and I shivered. "Please Tomas. I'll give you whatever you want. I just. I don't want to die."

"I know. Again that's why my original plan went out the window. Because now you're happy."

I swallowed my response and waited. Tomas was pacing back and forth. I had to find a way to get out of this. To make him let me go. He kept pacing and I kept biting my lip. Time seemed to stop, what felt like hours was only minutes. I watched him walk back and forth, back and forth. He was fighting with himself. I could see it happening as he scratch his head with the knife, glanced at me, then went back to pacing. It was as if he wasn’t sure he should go through with his plan.

Tomas wasn’t evil. At least the boy I had known wouldn’t do this. But then again he had changed, something had snapped inside of him the day he recorded that video. The day he took away my pride and ruined the girl he had known. We weren’t the same people, the girl next door who had a crush on the older boy. He wasn’t the boy who had dated my sister and somehow hurt me.

He was a stranger. He was a monster. And now he was deciding how he was going to finally ruin me. He was going to take me away from my sisters, from the life I had finally wanted to live. He was going to take away Cassian. He was going to do what I had wanted to do all those months ago. I had fought through the darkness he pushed me under. Only to find myself facing the very same thing months later.

When I had finally realized I had a reason to live. I had sisters who loved me, sisters who never let this man come between us. I had fought myself, my own hatred against the things he and done to me and found someone who saw me as beautiful, who saw me. Someone who wanted to love me as much as I realized I wanted to love him.

I couldn’t let him win. I had to fight. I had to push through his darkness one last time. Then I would finally be free. We would all be free.

After another minute of him pacing, I let out a sigh, tired of watching him. I broke the silence that had coated the room.

"You could be happy. If you let go of whatever it is you're holding onto with me. If you move on from whatever game this is. You'll be happy too."

His eyes flashed but then he shook his head. He pulled the bindings even tighter, reassuring himself that I couldn't get away. I bit down a scream as the ropes burned my skin. Then he drug the knife up my calf. He sliced it deep enough to hurt, to bleed. But shallow enough that it would heal.

"He's not coming," Tomas said as I kept struggling, "so stop hoping he'll save you. No one will save you, Nesta. No one but me has ever cared about you. No one but me will ever care about you.”

I gagged as Tomas drug the knife down my cheek. The tip was bent at a weird angle, it scratched my skin and made me jump. I knocked my hand into the headboard and felt the bump form. Tomas pressed down hard enough to scratch, but light enough so blood didn't fall. I let out a breath, suppressing another scream as his lips slid over mine.

"Oh Nesta. Don't fight me," he whispered, sharing the same air as me, "if you stopped fighting me you wouldn't be in this position. We wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have to do this."

I struggled against the ties, "you don't have to do this. Please I'll break up with Cass. I'll leave, I'll do whatever you want. Just please," I hated begging. But now that I finally found my place, now that I finally found happiness, I begged for my life.

Because I knew Cassian would never forgive himself if I didn't try. A battle was still a battle, even if the score was uneven. Tomas had the upper hand, I couldn't fight him with my fists. So I would try to fight him with my words. With my will to live. Cassian had given me that, something to live for; a life to fight for.

He stayed close, his fingers trailing down my inner thigh. I knew what he wanted, where this would end up. 

"Kiss me," he whispered softly, "kiss me and make me believe this is what you want. Then I'll consider letting you live."

He leaned in and this time when he kissed me I forced myself to kiss him back. His fingers still played on my skin, but by some grace of god they didn't travel further than my thigh. He didn't try to touch me, he didn't try to violate me. Instead he kissed me. 

It wasn't like kissing Cassian. It wasn't warm and safe and everything I needed. No kissing Tomas was like falling into a black empty hole. 

It was dark and cold and what evil would feel like it if it was personified. But I kissed him. I kissed him with everything I had because I wanted to live. Because I wanted to find my way back to my family. I wanted to find my way back to Cassian.

Tomas pulled away as a tear slid down my cheek. He shook his head, his lips red, his eyes glazed over, "sorry, darling. But you didn't convince me."

He pushed the knife down hard on my shoulder blade and I screamed as it sliced my skin. Pain flashed through my body as Tomas's eyes lit up in pleasure. He was getting off on torturing me. I had no words, no thoughts to figure out how to get out of this. I knew Cassian wasn't going to make it here in time. I knew in that moment there was nothing I could do, there was nothing that would save me now.

Tomas was going to kill me. He was going to win. This time he would get between me and my sisters and I would never find my way back to them. I would never see another smile, or share another laugh. I would never get to tell Cassian how I truly felt, that I had forgiven him the moment he stepped into the bookstore. I would never get to watch Rhys and Feyre have those babies we all knew were destined to come.

Because his sick game had turned into my current nightmare. 

And I realized then how much I would miss. How much I still wanted to see happen in my life. 

Tomas laughed, “that’s right, darling. Scream. I love it when you scream. Remember that night? When you could barely breathe? I hated that, that you couldn’t scream while I touched you.”

He drug his finger down my cheek as I felt the blood well up on my shoulder. I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks without my permission. My shoulder still hurt, but my throat was raw. I struggled against the ropes, but they wouldn’t budge. Tomas was enjoying every moment of this, but I couldn’t stop fighting. I couldn’t stop.

"Cassian," I whispered as I finally stopped screaming. Tears blinded me as I tried to keep my strength from fading, "he's going to find us. And when he does I hope he beats you within an inch of your life."

Tomas smiled as he stepped back, tapping the knife against his chin. Blood stained the blade. My blood.

"Oh my dear Nesta. Your big stupid fake boyfriend won't be able to save you now. Don't worry. I'll be sure to tell him how much you despised him. With your dying breath you made sure I knew it was me you wanted. Me you would choose."

I shook my head, "even if we were the last man and woman on this planet I would never, ever choose you. Cassian knows that.”

Tomas grabbed my hair and held the knife close. I froze, the weapon so close to my face I thought he was going to scar me for life. Or slash my throat. He was deathly quiet as his eyes found mine. He didn't say anything, he pulled my curls as hard as he could and before I registered what was happening he sliced through them. My hair fell out of his hands. The tension on my scalp let up. I gasped, despite the pain, the ache in my heart grew.

"Next time I'll cut your throat," he whispered into my ear as he stepped back.

He threw the knife down and walked away from the bed. My body was screaming, my wrists bleeding from trying to get out of their holds. I let out a breath as he started to pace. I was choking on tears. It was only hair, it would grow back. But he had already taken so much from me. This was another cut in my armor.

Another cut in my soul. 

My lips trembled as I fought for control. I wouldn't break down. I needed to pull myself together in order to form some sort of actual plan. I would get out of this. I would use every last breath I had to get away from this monster.

"No. This isn't right. This was supposed to... go differently." Tomas stopped and stared at me. His eyes were dead. He wasn't more than a shell of evil standing in front of me.

"Tomas let me go and I'll do whatever you want. I'll stay here, I wouldn't tell anyone what happened. Please these ropes are hurting me."

He stopped and stared at me, his eyes were vacant like there was no one behind them. When he looked at me I wasn't sure he actually saw me, "you cut your hair."

He had lost it. He scratched his head, "I loved your hair Nesta."

"You cut it Tomas. Not even a minute ago."

He closed his eyes tightly and pulled at his hair. I had never seen him so frazzled before. He screamed and I jumped, "no. This isn't. No. I need...."

Tomas stopped pacing and stood there staring at me. He looked like a ghost, his face pale, his hands shaking. He looked haunted and I was suddenly terrified. He looked like a man who didn't care about anyone anymore. Like there was nothing stopping him from taking my life, from ending this game by killing us both.

My heart stopped as he took a step towards me. Then he turned. He opened the door and walked out of the room, leaving me wondering just exactly had happened to the boy I used to know. 

*-*

I wasn’t sure how long it was, but after a while Tomas came back. My wrists were rubbed raw. My throat was dry. My stomach growled and yet he didn't care. He looked at me, his eyes still empty. I had already accepted the fact that I wasn't going to make it out of this cabin alive. I knew from that moment, when Tomas looked at me and I didn't recognize him, this was a monster. 

He wanted to ruin me and somehow in his messed up game he had destroyed himself instead. 

And now he was hell bent on taking me with him. 

"Tomas," my voice was low, "please let me go. It hurts."

Blood had dried on my shoulder. I could still taste it from when he hit me. My body was covered in bruises, but none of that compared to the scars he left on my soul. I would never feel safe again. I would never find my way out of this darkness.

"Nesta." He said my name and his eyes met mine. He shook his head, "my Nessa. You were supposed to be mine. Not his. You were supposed to come to the cabin and forgive me. You were supposed to look at me the way you used to. The way you look at him."

Tears filled tears eyes as I thought about Cassian. I held onto his face as I lied, "I'll be yours. I'll do whatever you want Tomas. Just please don't hurt my sisters. Don't hurt him."

He tapped his fingers against his chin as if he was deep in thought, "you won't see him again? You'll be mine?"

I nodded, "yes. I'll be whoever you want me to be. Just promise me you won't hurt Cassian. That Mor won't hurt Feyre."

He rolled his eyes, "Feyre is fine. Alright I need to think of a new plan. I didn't expect you to beg. I didn't expect this to change and you to want me again. I don't... want to kill you Nes. I just want you."

He had gotten closer to me, his fingers grazed my arm. It took all the strength I had left inside not to recoil at his touch. I bit my lip wishing more than anything that Cassian was on his way to save me. I needed someone to help me. I needed out of these damn bindings and maybe I could help save myself.

"Then please untie me Tomas," my voice was barely more than a whisper, "please."

Tomas stared at me, the blood covering my body and the bruises he had left. Then he took a step to the bottom of the bed. He untied my legs and I stayed still. He came up, the knife in his hand again.

"If you try anything. I'll do it," the tip was close to my chin, "I won't even hesitate."

I nodded, "I know Tomas."

My wrists screamed with pain and relief as he let me go. I behaved, and rubbed lightly at my raw skin. Tomas watched as I stayed on the bed, he didn't know I was forming a plan. I didn't have one yet, but I would make one soon.

I sat up once he removed the ropes around my ankles. I rolled them and then stretched. Everything hurt, everything ached. But I moved towards Tomas and grabbed his face. He was tense as I leaned in, capturing his mouth with mine. I wanted to gag, to push away, but I fought through it. I had to convince him to let me go. 

As he closed his eyes my hand traveled down his arm. Slowly my fingers intertwined through his and the knife slide through his palm and into mine. I smiled, his other arm coming around my waist. I grabbed the hilt of the knife and pushed my chest against his. He had no idea what I was doing. He was too lost in our kiss, too lost in himself, to care.

I pulled away slowly, the knife was now mine. I pushed away from him and spit onto the floor. I held the knife to his chin, "here's the part where you rethink untying me."

Tomas's glassy eyes cleared as he looked at me in surprise. "Nesta. Please don't."

"Beg me," I held the knife tightly as he took a step back. His hands were raised and I slid off the bed. My ankles hurt, my entire body screamed. The only thing keeping me upright was the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The adrenaline telling me to run.

"Nes."

I smiled as the tip touched his chest, "sorry darling," I mirrored his earlier words, "but you didn't convince me."

I stabbed him. I forced the knife into his chest and he grunted loudly. He fell down as blood dropped onto his shirt and I made my way to the door. I ran down the stairs, my feet bare, my shirt in pieces. Blood covered me but I didn't care. I ran to the front door and threw it opened. The sun was barely up in the sky. I ran towards the trees.

I had to hide. I needed to get to the neighbor, find someone to help me. My plan was rushed and terrible, but it was the only plan I had. I ran blindly, too afraid to look behind me. I heard sirens in the distance, I heard voices close to me. As I twisted my way through the woods I started to believe I would live. That I would get to see Cassian again.

A shot rang out. I gasped, my foot hit the root of a tree. I stumbled and fell, rolling down the incline I hadn't seen. I didn't scream, I bit my tongue and rolled, grass and leaves covering me as I came to a stop at the bottom of the hill. I couldn't move. My legs were done, my ankle was screaming.

I heard Tomas call my name. I heard another voice in the distance, I couldn't make out what it was saying. Blood had started to leak from my shoulder, rolling down the hill had reopened my wound. I closed my eyes for a moment, defeated. I opened them, watching the trees swayed above me. Not from the wind, from the dizziness that had suddenly came over me.

"I'm sorry Cass," I whispered to the trees as I gave up. I lost the adrenaline, I lost it all. My body was shutting down, my heart barely beat inside my chest. Tomas had won. I was going to die out here in the woods, alone.

I saw his face. Those honey brown eyes and that crooked smile. I saw the man who had forced his way into my heart, I heard his voice telling me to hold on. And even if I was alone, if the woods were the only witness to my death, I knew I had finally found someone to live for. I had finally found what I had been looking for.

I let out a slow breath, my eyes slipping closed. I could only hope that when they found me, they found the truth. That Tomas had tried to beat me, but I had fought until my very last breath. I fought for my sisters, for my Cassian.

I had tried. I fought him, but it hadn't been hard enough.


	15. Chapter 15

I heard waves. At least that’s what it sounded like, waves crashing against the shore. But I couldn’t be dead, no it was too painful for me to be free of the real world. Death was supposed to be peaceful, to be beautiful. The pain throbbed in rhythm with the water that was trying to drown me. Nothing made sense, I had barely made it through the woods before I fell. Before I had given up and waited for Tomas or death to find me.

There weren’t any waves here, not that I could remember. But the water kept rushing in, my lungs felt like they were on fire. I was confused, disoriented. I had no idea what had happened in the last few minutes. I couldn’t remember why my body felt so broken. I couldn’t think about anything but the pain, the water rushing into my stomach and making me feel sick.

Darkness tried to pull at me again. It tried to take me under the current.

But then a voice broke through the waves. A voice, it was the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I fought to find my way towards it. I fought to find the tether that kept me in this world.

"Nesta? Nesta can you hear me?" A deep voice called to me. It broke through the water, the pain trying to drown me. I couldn't open my eyes, but I knew that voice. I held onto it, trying to find my way to it, "sweetheart please. I'm here. I've got you."

A tear hit my cheek and somehow I found the light, "Cassian," I whimpered as I felt his arms come around me. I clung to his shirt, my mind trying to catch up to the racing of my heart. I could still taste the blood in my mouth, but his scent wrapped around me.

It calmed me; because he smelled like home.

"I'm here," he said again softly. I felt the soft kiss of his lips on my forehead, then against my temple. I buried my face in his shirt, "I'm here."

"It hurts," I whispered as he picked me up slowly, gently so he didn't hurt me more. I winced at the movement, my eyes still closed. I wanted to open them, to see his beautiful brown eyes and know he was real. But I couldn’t find the strength to do anything but hold onto him.

"I know. I'm sorry, so sorry I didn't get here faster," his voice broke. I held onto him tighter. He was my anchor keeping me here in this world, keeping me conscious. 

"But you're here now," I mumbled, "you're here. You came.”

He laughed and it made the pain fade slightly, if only for a moment. He put his face closer to mine, his breath warm against my skin.

"Nesta." He said my name softly as he walked towards more voices. I was fading, the pain was taking me over, "I love you too."

I smiled as he set me down on a soft surface. There were other voices, high and hard voices giving instructions, but I couldn’t focus. I felt the loss of Cassian’s warmth and my heart sank. He let me go, but it didn't last long, his hand finding mine once the pain found me again. 

And then when I knew he was still there beside me, I surrendered to the darkness that followed.

*-*

Cassian was holding my hand. I knew it before I even opened my eyes. I could feel him, I could hear him thinking if I tried hard enough. It was the weight of his heavy hand, the hands that had made me come alive in those moments between my bedsheets. I knew him, I knew him even after only knowing him for a few days. He was my person, he had finally found his way in. 

He had his fingers laced through mine. I let out a breath and then opened my eyes as slowly as I could. The lights blinded me, that throbbing wasn’t my heart, it was an ache in my head. I winced as I felt his fingers tighten around mine.

“Nesta." His voice was rough, like he hadn’t used it after screaming from a really long time.

I coughed, "I thought it was a dream. I didn't think. I mean. You came to save me."

Tears filled my eyes as they found his. He was smiling but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked tired, there were bags under his eyes. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in days, "it wasn't a dream, sweetheart. I'm here."

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, “Cassian."

I struggled to sit up and Cassian helped me, “how long have I been out?”

He leaned in and kissed me softly, as if he couldn’t wait another moment. Like it was too painful for him to wait for me. He let out a slow breath, pushing my now short and very uneven hair out of my face, “two days. Tomas had you for one full day before I got to you. I’m sorry Nesta. I should’ve known, I should’ve gotten to you faster.”

I pressed my finger against his lips, “we didn’t know he would do something like that. You saved me. You were the voice that kept me fighting,” I sighed, the movement hurting my ribs, “you made me want to live, Cassian. Thank you.”

I leaned my forehead against his and we let the moment settle around us. This was no one fault but Tomas’s and we both knew that. It was hard to push the blame off, but it was the truth. 

"I have this," he whispered softly as the machines beeped in the background. I looked and he held out my ring. I smiled as he slipped it back onto my  bruised and badly cut finger.

"Thanks," I kept ahold of his hand, "I um. What I said. What you said."

I stumbled, but Cassian smiled, "I meant it. Danger or no danger, I love you. I know it's only been a week, if you're still a little... scared of us, of this I understand. But just know I mean it."

I shook my head, "not scared. No just. Aren't we going too fast?"

Cassian leaned in and kissed me softly, his lips like feathers against mine. He kissed me as if I was a piece of spun glass he was afraid he was going to break. When he pulled back his thumb brushed over my bottom lip. I would never tire of that move, it made me come alive. It made me feel as if I was the most precious thing in his world.

"I think we're going at just the right speed."

My cheeks burned as he held my gaze. But I didn't get a chance to respond more than just a nod because the door opened. And Feyre hobbled in on crutches, followed by Rhysand.

"Oh Nesta," she smiled sweetly despite her bruises still being fresh, "couldn't let me have all the attention could you? You had to get kidnapped and practically scare the shit out of your new boyfriend."

I rolled my eyes, "Fey. I'm sorry," I didn't think I just started to apologize, "for what I said before you got hurt. For being such a shitty sister."

She waved her hand and sat in the open chair beside Cassian. She leaned her crutches against the wall and leaned in, grabbing my hand. The one still holding Cassian's.

"It doesn't matter, okay? I know you were upset. I know you didn't want to admit it, that you wanted Cassian to come save you. I would let you hurt me a million times over if this is the Nesta I've got now. The Nesta who's fallen in love."

My sister glance at Cassian and this time he blushed. I let out a slow breath and nodded, Cassian's eyes catching mine. The moment settled and I winced at pain shot up my back. 

"They gave you stitches," he answered before I could ask, "if he had stabbed you any further to the right he would've gotten an artery. You would be dead, Nes."

"Don't call me that," I whispered, his evil voice in my ear, "call me anything but Nes, please Cass."

Cassian leaned in, "I'm sorry sweetheart."

He kissed me softly. When he pulled back I let out a breath, "so what happened to Tomas?”

Cassian looked at Feyre and my sister sighed, “we aren’t exactly sure. He wasn’t at the cabin and the police are looking for him. But he went after you, Cassian found you in the woods. He must have ran when he heard the sirens.”

Cassian squeezed my hand gently and I felt a wave of disappointment hit me. I winced as I struggled to sit up at little more. Cassian helped me, “so he’s still out there.”

“He won’t touch you,” Cassian’s deep voice was full of anger and hate, “I promise you. This time I will be with you.”

I forced a smile as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. Rhys and Feyre smiled as I pulled away and looked at my sister, “I um. I need to tell you something Fey. It’s about this, why Tomas was obsessed with hurting us.”

“Because of that thing that happened years ago,” she blinked, I could tell she didn’t want me to mention whatever he knew about her.

I shook my head, “that was the beginning, the reason why he wanted you to invite him to the cabin. But I um. Cassian and I weren’t always dating. When I told you I had a boyfriend all those months ago I lied. Because I wanted you to stop worrying, I wanted you to think I was doing better than I really was. So I made him up. I didn’t plan on seeing you and Elain so soon, I didn’t worry about you wanting to meet him.”

“Nesta.”

I shook my head and leaned into Cassian, who was standing closer to the bed than he had been before. I wanted him to climb in beside me, but I knew that wasn’t possible. This bed was tiny, and there was an IV sitting right where he would fit.

“I um. Rita introduced me to her friend, someone who wouldn’t have a problem pretending. So I offered Cassian a free weekend at the lake and I paid him to be my boyfriend. So you and Elain and Rhys wouldn’t worry. So you guys would stop asking me about my boyfriend. I lied to you guys, again. Because I was too afraid to tell you the truth.”

The room was silent as I sat there with my eyes closed. I fought off tears, more from embarrassment than anything else. But I had finally done it, I told my sister the truth. I opened my eyes and looked at her. My cheeks were bright red, because there were tears in her eyes.

“He found out. Tomas had put cameras in the rooms of that cabin. He heard everything, Cassian and I talking about the arrangement, Cass sleeping on the floor that first night. He heard it all and blackmailed me again.”

Feyre leaned into Rhysand, he was her strength the way Cassian had started to become mine. I could see how upset she was, but before I could go on, Cassian interrupted me. He cleared his throat and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“That was the beginning. Nesta said she would pay me so I went along with it. But what Nesta didn’t realize is the moment she met me in that diner, when she offered me a chance to be her fake boyfriend, I already wanted to take her on a real date. I fell for Nesta that day and I tried the entire weekend to break through her walls. Your sister is hellfire made flesh, but she made me feel again. She made me believe that there is someone out there for everyone. By the end of the weekend, before Tomas stuck Mor on me, we were actually together. It wasn’t a lie anymore.”

Feyre smiled at Cassian as I leaned into him. He put his arm around my shoulders and then my sister took in a deep breath, “I saw the way he looked at you, Nesta. And I saw the way you looked at him. You two care about each other, even if you didn’t realize it that first day. I’m not mad,” her voice was soft as she touched the back of my hand, “I just wish you didn’t feel the need to lie to us. To make up a boyfriend so we stop asking.”

I forced a smile, “in case you didn’t realize it Feyre, you have the perfect life. You’ve had Rhys for as long as I can remember. He worships the ground you walk on and I’ve never had that. I’ve had a string of terrible boyfriends, Tomas at the very top. I’ve hurt you and Elain time and time again. When you asked me to come to the cabin I wanted to be the sister who brought someone with her. For once I wanted to be the girl you are.”

Feyre stood up, Rhys’s hands on her hips, and grabbed me in a tight hug. I winced, the bruises weren’t going to be easy to get through, but I hugged her back. She took in a deep breath and pushed my hair behind my ear. Cassian didn’t let me go, he watched us have our moment.

“You’ve always been my big sister. You’ll always be my big sister. I love you Nesta, whether you’re alone or you’re with someone. I’ve always looked up to you.”

I smiled as she pulled away. She all but fell back in her seat, the cast on her leg was heavy I’m sure, “although if I can make a request, I really hope you plan on keeping Cassian around. He’s good for you.”

I nodded, my eyes finding his, “I plan on keeping him around for a long time.”

Before he could lean in and kiss me a nurse opened the door, “I’m sorry guys, but visiting hours are almost over. So say you’re goodbyes, Nesta needs to get some rest.”

I went stiff in Cassian’s arm. I didn’t want to be alone, not when Tomas was still out there. He would know what hospital they brought me to. He would know I was okay and that he hadn’t gone through with his plan. I took in a breath and Cassian held me closer. I didn’t want them to leave, but I knew they had to. 

“Get some sleep Nesta, I’ll come back tomorrow,” Feyre stood up and Rhys helped her with her crutches.

I wanted to tell her not to worry about me, to worry about herself. But I couldn’t. I was too caught up in the realization that I would be alone soon. I didn’t want to be alone, not with everything that had happened. Cassian walked the two of them to the door and then came back to my side.

“They’ll have to drag me out when the hours are over,” he whispered softly as he picked my hand back up, “tell me how you’re really feeling.”

“Tired,” I whispered, looking down at our hands, “scared. I don’t. I can’t stop remembering it all Cassian. What he did, what he wanted to do.”

I looked up at him through my tears. I was never one to cry, I hated feeling weak, but with what Tomas did I could feel myself breaking. I took in a deep breath and Cassian pulled me into his chest. He hugged me, trying to put my broken pieces back together.

*-*

Somehow Cassian convinced the nurses to let him stay over night. He told them that the police wanted someone to watch over me because Tomas hadn’t been found yet. He told them that he was the one to do it. I wasn’t going to complain, for the first time I admitted that I needed someone else. For the first time I wasn’t afraid to let him care for me.

I woke up sweating, my hands shaking. The dark room disoriented me. I let out a whine as I realized I was safe, it had been a dream that scared me. I was still shaking, tears sliding down my cheeks as I fell back against the pillow, blinking away his evil face. I was breathing hard, my body still thought it was caught up in the nightmare I had survived.

I tried to recompose myself. But then I felt a big warm hand find my hip. I felt myself relax as his breath hit my ear, “Nesta, hey,” Cassian’s voice floated towards me. It was smooth and sweet, the perfect remedy for my nightmare, “it’s okay. You’re safe.”

I whimpered, wrapping my arms around his big muscle, “Cassian.”

“I’m here, sweetheart,” he climbed into the bed beside me. I moved, wincing as he pulled me closer. But I would take this pain over the fear that had hit me when I woke up. I would take the tiny bed with him beside me than sleeping alone with the nightmares that were following me.

“I keep seeing his face,” I whispered as I settled in his arms, my head on his chest. His arms were warm, his breath hit the top of my head, “I keep hearing his laugh,” I shivered as I closed my eyes and saw him yet again, “he won. He finally won, Cass.”

Cassian kissed the top of my head, “no he didn’t,” he ran his fingers up and down my arm, “because you are strong and brave. You fought him and you’ve got me. I’ll help keep the demons away. I promise, Nesta.”

I sighed slowly, “I love you. I meant it when I told you that earlier. I love you Cassian Moten. I think I fell in love with you the moment you came into my life. You’ve had my heart ever since that weekend at the lake. Please don’t break it.”

He smiled, brushing hair out of my face, “I promise if you promise,” he whispered afraid to break out spell, “and I love you too.”

I looked up at him, his brown eyes smoldering in the light from the moon. I took in a deep breath and smiled as he leaned down and kissed me gently, keeping his arms around me. I took in a breath as I pulled away and then I laid my head back down on his chest. 

“Tell me a story,” I whispered, still afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep.

His laugh vibrated through his chest. He rubbed circles along my forearm as he settled.

“I’m nowhere near the storyteller you are,” he sighed, “but I’ll try. For you.”

I smiled despite my pain. I knew Cassian would do whatever he had to do to keep the demons and Tomas’s ghosts away. He was a good man. And somehow he was mine. Somehow he had found his way past the walls, past the armor I had built to keep him out. And I had never been happier to have a man fight for me. To know that he cared, to know that he would always care.

“Once upon a time there lived a squirrel…” I giggled into his chest, “what? I can’t give a cute little woodland creature an epic adventure?”

I looked up at him through my lashes, “I didn’t say that. Keep going, sweetheart.”

Cassian gave me that crooked smile he seemed to save for me. He tapped my nose and continued on with his story of the squirrel prince. 

Cassian kept his voice low and steady, in rhythm with his fingers that were running against my skin. As he spoke I felt myself getting tired once more. My nightmare was gone. I was safe here in his arms. I closed my eyes once his story was over and he started to hum a soft melody. I clung to his shirt as I drifted back to sleep, afraid I would wake up and find him gone if I didn’t hold on.

Cassian’s arms were enough, he was enough to keep me safe. To chase away the bad dreams. To keep the demons away. Cassian was my saving grace, it took me almost losing him to finally figure that out.


	16. Chapter 16

I would’ve fought a wheelchair if my entire body didn’t scream when I stood up. They removed my stitches and my back hurt more than ever. Cassian all but shuffled me into the wheelchair. After yesterday he had turned into the protective boyfriend. He stood there with his arms crossed and watched as the doctors took the stitches out. He shook his head and told me to stop protesting when they gave me medicine.

When they brought the wheelchair and I started to say I could walk all he did was glare in my direction and the protest died on my lips. I knew he would’ve carried me if I let him.

“Okay we got pain medicine for you,” the doctor smiled as I settled into the chair, Cassian’s black shirt soft against my bruises. When he had been told to bring me clothes he brought me his. I was grateful to be out of that scratchy gown and to be wearing something that wasn’t mine.

He had brought me his shirt mostly because hd didn’t want to go back to my apartment. He didn’t want to leave me and there was a bag of clothes already in his car.

“Don’t worry she’ll take them on the hour every hour,” Cassian smiled at me sweetly. I had a feeling he was going to mother hen me until I went crazy.

The doctor smiled, “just get some rest. Your body already knows it needs to heal. I want your life to be normal again. Let your friends help you. Your mind will take a little longer to catch up.”

Cassian squeezed my hand gently and I knew what that meant. He wanted to be the one for me. I nodded knowing I needed his support too. I looked at the doctor and nodded, “don’t worry. I will have a lot of support. Thank you.”

He patted my head as Cassian wheeled me past and out of the doors.

“Can I take you to my place Nesta? You need someone to watch over you and I just can’t imagine taking you to your place and leaving you there when Tomas is out there.”

I rolled my eyes, but I felt a flutter in my chest, “yes Cass. You can take me to your place. I don’t think.. I don’t think I can sleep alone right now.”

He helped me into his car, kissing me softly before he pulled away, “don’t worry. You don’t have to.”

He ran around to the driver’s side, “and hey, I think I have to give you a few sponge baths before you’re allowed to shower alone.”

He wiggled his eyebrows and I rolled my eyes, “you’re a child. I swear.”

“No sweetheart. If I was a child this would be wrong.”

He picked up my hand and laced our fingers together. Then he kissed the back of my hand.

“Thank you for being here. For being my person even though I tried to push you away.”

Cassian looked at me as he stopped at the light, “I’m not going anywhere Nesta. No matter how hard you try to push me away. You’re stuck with me, because I care about you.”

I leaned into his shoulder, the medicine making me slightly tired, “you have no idea how much that means to me, Cass,” I whispered softly as I held his hand. He didn’t realize that even though they were words, they meant the world to me. Because he was still here, he had proven to me that he was going to be here no matter what.

Even a crazy ex couldn’t keep him away. If that wasn’t boyfriend material, I didn’t know what was.

I was ready to fall back asleep as he drove slowly, avoiding bumps so I wouldn't wince. He didn’t take the highway, he took the long way, letting me feel the sun for a little longer. I had my arms wrapped around his muscle and I didn't want to let go. Cassian sang along to the radio softly, the sound made my heart flutter The sun was warm, I had missed being outside. I let out a sigh as the car slowed and he pressed his lips to my forehead.

This was perfect. Even if he was bringing me home from the hospital. This moment was everything I wanted and more. He had come for me, he had saved me. In all the ways I never knew I needed saved, Cassian had found a way. I would take Tomas's torture, I would do it all again, to get here in this moment.

The moment settled around me, Cassian pressed his lips to my head every time he took a curve. I prayed I would never get used to that feeling. The butterflies that filled my stomach every time he touched me. I never wanted the newness, the beauty of our relationship to wear off.

I pressed my face into his shoulder, breathing him in, “thank you," I whispered half asleep as I kissed his shoulder, "for being the one to break down my walls."

Cassian wrapped his arm around me and I let myself slip into sleep. I wasn't sure how long I had been out, probably not more than five minutes, when he shook my arm gently. I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to stay here in this moment with my favorite person.

"Nesta," he let out a breath, "hey sweetheart we're home."

"Home," I mumbled softly as I opened my eyes, "my home is you."

He laughed against my temple and then opened his door. He walked around the car and helped me get out. Cassian didn’t even give me a chance to protest, to try and walk on my own. He wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me into his chest. He carried me, bridal style, into his house.

"Yes this is your home too," his vice vibrated through his chest and some of the drowsiness left me.

"I'm awake now," I sighed my eyes opening completely. He carried me through the living room and down the hallway. He kicked open a door and I smiled as he walked me into his very clean, very masculine bedroom, "I'm hungry."

"Well you aren't going to get out of this bed," he set me down on his soft blue comforter, "so tell me what you want and I'll make it."

"My boyfriend, the hero," I held onto his hand so he couldn't stand up, "I want a chocolate milkshake."

"You need food too. I'll make you a grilled cheese," he pushed my hair behind my ears.

"And a chocolate milkshake," I reminded him as I settled into my spot. 

He laughed before leaning down and kissing me softly, "your wish is my command. And remember. Don't get out of this bed."

He tapped my nose and then left me lay back against the pillows and I fought the urge to fall back asleep. Whatever they gave me was hard to fight, but I didn't want to sleep anymore. I pulled at the covers and opened my eyes, Tomas's evil laugh echoing in my head.

I couldn't help but wonder if I'd always hear that stupid laugh. If I'd ever stop seeing his stupid smile. I shivered even though it was warm in Cassian's bed. I let out a breath and tried to pull myself together, but I couldn't.

"Cassian," I called out for him softly, but I knew he couldn't hear me. He was making my milkshake. I could hear the machine.

"Cass," he didn't want me out of his bed, but I didn't want to be alone. It was big and warm and smelled like him, so I wasn't complaining. But I was sick of being confined to one room. The doctors said I was fine to resume daily life but to take it easy. 

Commander Cassian said I wasn't allowed out of his sight. 

He refused to take his eyes off of me ever since I woke up. Whenever the doctor had come to check on me he was right there beside me. He held my hand, he made sure he was always touching me. It was like he didn't believe I was truly okay. As if he thought I was a dream that would disappear the moment he looked away.

I called for him once more when I heard the blender switch off. He stuck his head in the bedroom, his hair falling out of the band holding it back, "yes sweetheart."

"Can you bring me my bag?" I asked sweetly. I offered him a smile and he sighed, but being the over protective and ever so attentive boyfriend that he was, he went to grab my bag from the door. Where he put it after carrying me into his room. 

He brought my leather purse to the bed and kissed the top of my head. I smiled and then he went back to the kitchen to finish making me something to eat. I sighed, the pain medicine still making me a little groggy. I rubbed my eyes and then pulled out the letter he had given me a few days ago.

The letter I thought I didn't want to read. But now it was burning a hole in my head.

_Nesta._

_I am not a writer, I'm not good with words. This is the fifth letter I’ve written you and I still can’t find the right words to explain how feel whenever I think of you. The right words to fully expression how hard I fell for you even before the weekend we spent together was over._

_But your sister told me to try. So here it goes._

_No one has ever tried for you and I want to be that person. I want to be your person. Because you're it. There is no one else who makes me as annoyed and yet as happy as you do. Even in one weekend I fell for you and your stubbornness. I want to spend days in bed with you, making you laugh. I want to tell you everything, the good and the bad._

_I want to know you. I want you to know me._

_I know what it feels like to be where you are. To feel helpless and broken. To believe you aren't worth anything to anyone. I want to show you that's not true._

_You are important to me. And I will fight for you. I will always choose you._

_I am sorry. I should've told you about Mor when we got to the cabin. I should have been honest with you. But I was afraid the girl who started to open up to me would close down. I was afraid you wouldn't let me creep into the crack I found in your armor._

_And I wanted nothing more than to help you. To protect you from Tomas. Even if nothing ever becomes of us, I want you to know he will never win._

_I'm sorry sweetheart. I understand if you can't ever forgive me. But know that I'll never forget you._

_Your brute._   
_Cassian_

Tears slid down my cheeks. I stood up, my legs shaky as I pulled his shirt down over my leggings. When the nurse said I was being released he brought me some of his clothes. He refused to leave me the entire time I was there and he already had a bag of shirts in his car. It was nice and big and didn't rub my raw skin. 

I took in a breath and made my way out to the kitchen. Cassian was at the counter making me a milkshake like I had asked. He had on a black tight fitting shirt and if I was feeling better I would've pushed my hands under the hem and pushed him up against the counter. I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

"Nesta," he sighed, letting me know he didn't think this was cute, "I told you to stay in my bed."

I pressed a kiss to a spot of the back of his neck I could just barely reach, "I love you."

I could feel his heart beat speed up as he turned around. He looked at me, his dark hair framing his face. His big hands came to my cheeks as he leaned in and smiled. 

"Say it again."

I smiled back, looking at his lips, "I love you. I read your letter and I love you too."

His eyes were bright and burning into mine as he finally closed the distance and kissed me. He wrapped his arms around me, the aches screaming as he pulled me against him. I whimpered in his embrace but I didn't let go. I held onto him. I had finally come home.

We had said these words to each other in the hospital, but they had been desperate and full of fear. I said I loved him because I thought I was going to die. And he thought he was going to lose me. And now, in this moment, we were standing in his home and we knew these feelings were real. There was no one forcing us to feel this way, no one telling us to say these words.

I could see it in his eyes. He was more excited than he had been the first time I told him I loved him.

"I love you," he whispered pulling away, "I meant every word. Nesta I was lost until I found you. I couldn't let you go. I can't stay away. You. You finally stuck."

He wiped away one of my tears, "well good thing you pulled yourself together and came after me."

He laughed and kissed me again, his hands sliding around my waist. He sighed into my mouth, "now get back into my bed. Before I handcuff you to the headboard."

I laughed, "who says I wouldn't like that?"

I winked as his face fell, shocked and searching for a smart remark to throw back at me. I turned and walked to his room, his eyes watching me the entire time. I felt lighter, I felt happy. Even after everything that had happened I felt more like the girl I had always wanted to be.

I crawled back into bed, pulling the blanket up around my waist. I took in a deep breath and looked around me. Cassian had an nice place, nicer than my small apartment. I could be happy here with him. I was happy here with him.

"Alright I'm sure the doctors would not approve your first choice of non hospital food being a chocolate milkshake. But here you go," he handed me the glass and then set the plate on the nightstand. I smiled as I took it from him, not even thinking about the sandwhich.

"You're my favorite," I took a sip and it was perfect. Cassian stood watching me, his eyes not leaving my bruised face, "sit with me."

He walked around the bed and I set the glass on the nightstand. Then he pulled me into his side and I winced slightly. He groaned, "I hate that I can't touch you without hurting you. God if I had gotten there earlier. If I had just gone with you to get coffee."

I pressed my finger against his lips, "stop we didn't know he was that crazy okay? Stop blaming yourself," I looked into his brown eyes and melted, "I meant what I said. You're my hero Cassian. You saved me in all the ways I never knew I needed saving, even before Tomas came around. You're it for me."

He smiled leaning down and kissing me softly, "I love you Nesta."

I smiled and curled up in his arms, laying my head against his chest, "I don't want to sleep."

His laugh vibrated through his chest, "I should go get your pain medicine. It's about time for you to take it."

"No," I whined as I held tighter to him, "I've been sleeping alone in a hospital bed. Stay with me until I fall asleep."

Cassian picked up my wrist and ran his fingers over the marks that Tomas's ropes had made, "I was kidding, Nes. I would never handcuff you to the bed."

I couldn't help but laugh, "I know Cass. Not unless I asked you to right?" I pressed a kiss to his jaw and hugged him tightly, "I love you."

My eyes were getting heavy. The medicine would've helped me fall asleep faster, but I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay here in his arms forever. I felt safe and for a little while I had lost that feeling. When Tomas had me I forgot how safe and secure Cassian made me feel.

"He didn't touch me," I whispered more for myself than him, "he kissed me. I tried to push him off but he was too strong. But he didn't touch me, Cassian. I promise."

"Shh," he whispered against the top of my head, "it's not your fault Nesta. It's no ones fault but his."

A tear slipped down my cheek, "I know but I just. Wanted you to know he didn't get a chance to hurt me. Not that way. I would take the torture, the bruises and stabs, over him trying anything else."

Cassian held me tighter, "he'll never get to look at you again. I promise, even if I have to use my dying breath to get rid of him. I will."

I sat up so fast the room spun, "Cassian don't... don't say that. I can't even imagine losing you now that I finally found you."

Cassian leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. It was sweet, no heat. It was all passion and love. Everything I never thought I would ever share with someone else. He pulled away slowly and tucked me back into his arms. I laid my head on his chest as he held me.

"I'm never letting you go, Nes. I told you. You stuck. Now you're stuck with me."

He ran his fingers through my hair as I listened to his heart beating steadily underneath my ear, "sleep sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere and you need to get better," he pressed a kiss to my forehead as I closed my eyes, "so we can prove to each other how much we truly love the other."

I giggled as I buried my face in his shirt, his body warm against mine. I didn't want to sleep without drugs because I had a feeling the dreams would start. But I didn't want Cassian to move.

"Sleep love, I've got you. I promise I'll keep you safe."

And for the first time since I had been released, since this whole mess with Tomas started, I finally felt safe there in Cassian's arms.


	17. Chapter 17

I decided after one full day at his place that nurse Cassian was worse than commander Cassian. Because he was always checking on me, always giving me my medicine. It had been two days since the doctors released me and he still barely let me leave his room. He walked with me if I needed to use the bathroom, he tried carrying me out onto the porch when I asked to sit outside for a little. It should've been sweet, but I had never been the girl who wanted to be taken care of.

I wanted to scream, and I would've if I hadn't been able to distract him for more than a few minutes with my touch. Nurse Cassian was easy to persuade. I could convince him I was okay with the sway of my hips and the pressure of my lips against his.

I couldn't complain though. I was still tangled in Cassian's sheets. He refused to let me go back to my apartment even to get a change of clothes. Since Tomas was MIA he was convinced I was safer here. Of course I was, but I still wanted some of my things. So poor Elain and Az were tasked with bringing me a bag of clothes and shower supplies since Cassian refused to leave my side.

Cassian checked my stitches every day, every three hours. I would've told him to stop, if he wasn't so damn sweet whenever he pulled at the bandages. He would lift my shirt and gently pull the tape back, his free hand holding mine so I could squeeze if it hurt. God nurse Cassian might be annoying but he was perfect. He was making me wish I could pull him down into bed with me.

I don't think anything turned me on more than those brown eyes checking me for injuries.

But whenever I tried to remind him of where we had left off, I would accidentally wince if his hand strayed too far and he would automatically stop. As if some alarm went off telling him not to keep going. Telling him to become commander Cassian with his sweet touches and kisses locked away.

I was so ungodly frustrated. It was worse than the soreness Tomas had left behind.

Elain was the one who fixed my hair. I cried, something my sister rarely saw happen, while she evened up the sides. Cassian held my hand, thinking it hurt when she touched my shoulder. But it didn't hurt physically. For some reason I just felt like the loss of my hair was another reminder of everything Tomas had taken from me.

It was short. Shorter than I would've liked it to be. It barely reached my shoulders, my curls more like waves that fell in front of my face. Cassian told me I looked beautiful, even as I cried. It took me a few hours to get used to it. And the only reason I did was because my big gentle giant constantly told me he loved my short hair.

I don't know what I did to deserve him. But I would be forever grateful for him. In that moment especially, his hand holding mine, promising me that altering my hair would never change the way he saw me.

On the third day of my release I woke up to hushed voices. I opened my eyes and I listened, people were fighting outside the room. Cassian wasn't in bed with me and the sun was shining through the windows. I was sore, more sore than I had been yesterday. I winced as I sat up and I heard Cassian telling someone to leave. I gasped as pain shot through my ribs. I needed my medicine. 

I sat up and grabbed the wall for support. I walked slowly to the closed door and opened it. My body felt weak, but I pushed myself to walk down the hallways of Cassian's home. I hadn't really taken it in the day I got here. It was nice for a guys place. It was clean and bright. I felt at home here.

"She doesn't want to see you," his voice was hard and determined, "so leave."

Mor didn't answer. Her eyes fell on me as I came out of the hallway and stopped, holding onto the wall for support. I let out a breath, more like a whimper, as Cassian turned. Mor, my sisters college roommate and friend, the girl who single handily broke us, was standing in the doorway trying to come in. 

And my beautiful protective boyfriend was blocking her.

My eyes met hers and I took her in. She looked pale, her hands were shaking. She looked guilty, like she was afraid I'd start yelling at her. The girl I was before might have. But Cassian had changed something. I didn't want to yell or fight. I just wanted to forget everything Tomas had put us through. I just wanted to move forward.

My legs weren't stable. I wasn't sure how long I could stand there before the pain in my back made my knees give.

"Nesta." Cassian stepped toward me, grabbing me before I fell, "what the hell are you doing? I thought you were sleeping."

I wrapped my arms around his neck, "I need my medicine," I whispered, laying my head on his chest, "and I didn't know where you were."

He glared at Mor as he walked me the rest of the way to his kitchen and set me down on a stool. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, "you could've yelled for me. You're pretty good at that."

I smiled at him before I looked at Mor. She had taken the opportunity to slip into the living room while Cassian had been distracted by me, "so are you here to finish whatever game Tomas started? Because I am not in any mood or shape to fight you off again."

Mor bit her lip and shook her head, "I asked Feyre where you were. I wanted to apologize, Nesta. I'm sorry for what I did to get between you and Cassian. I'm sorry for trying to hurt you. I didn't know Tomas was going to take it so far. I didn't know he was going to hurt Feyre like that."

"You were her friend. Why would you even want to help him?" I asked as Cassian handed me a cup of water and two white pills. I held them, waiting for her answer. Cassian kept his warm hands on my knees.

And I realized at some point I had taken off my leggings and now I was only wearing his shirt. No wonder Mor had been shocked to see me.

"Because I'm selfish and I thought I could break whatever you and Feyre have. You're sisters but she's always been my friend first. I was jealous that you were back in her life. I wanted her to only need me. I'm sorry, I was selfish, okay?"

Once before all of this had happened, I had felt that way. Whenever Feyre would talk about her friend Mor or even the things she and Elain did, I was jealous. I wanted to be her favorite, her best friend. And I realized that I completely understood why someone as self conscious and fragile as Mor would help Tomas. Because she thought it was the only way to be in Feyre's life. The only way to become her favorite person, by hurting the one she was trying so hard to bring back.

"I don't think I'll forget what you did, but I can forgive you," I took my medicine and then leaned into Cassian, "because you couldn't break me and my sisters, and you can't break me and Cassian either."

He wrapped his arms around me and smiled. Mor watched us for a moment, "I've never seen you so soft, Nesta. It's beautiful."

Cassian sighed, "where is Tomas?"

Mor bit her lip, "he's hiding but he needs to go to the hospital. Nesta stabbed him and it's getting infected. I'm trying to convince him to go get checked out. But he says he can't afford to get caught."

"Then he shouldn't have tried to kill my girlfriend," Cassian tightened his arms and I closed my eyes, "because he deserves more than jail."

I wrapped my arms around Cassian's and sighed, "I don't really care what happens to him anymore. I've got you and Feyre is okay."

Mor sighed, "I just wanted to apologize. So I'll let myself out now."

Cassian watched as Mor walked out and then turned his attention to me. His thumb brushed against my cheek, "how do you feel today?"

"Better," I whispered before wrapping my arms around his neck and then kissing him softly. I pushed myself into the kiss, using what little energy I had stored up while sleeping. Cassian was hesitant at first, kissing me slowly, holding me as if I was as fragile as a piece of glass. I stopped myself from wincing, I just wanted him.

"Cass," he picked me up and kept kissing me. His hands were warm on my thighs as he carried me out of the kitchen, "I'm not a piece of glass. You can touch me the way you did before."

He pushed harder against my mouth with his. I felt dizzy, my body was on fire, from the kissing or the medicine I wasn't sure. But I didn't want him to stop. I spent a day thinking I would lose him because of Tomas. Now I never wanted to let him go.

I pulled away and Cassian's lips pressed against my jaw. I took in a deep breath as his hand slipped under the hem of his shirt as I leaned in and kissed him. His fingers brushed over one of my bruises and I winced against his lips. But I didn't move, I held onto him tighter.

"Nesta," he whispered my name, "I can't. I don't want to hurt you."

He brushed my hair out of my face. Somehow we had made our way to the couch and I was on his lap. I smiled as he looked at me the same way he had before all this happened. Like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

"You won't hurt me, sweetheart," I used his favorite nickname and he melted. His hands were warm against my hips, his shirt riding up my waist. 

Just when I thought he was going to give into me and his very evident need for this, the phone rang loudly, making me jump and wince all at once. I hissed with pain as Cassian laughed as he shook his head.

"When you're completely better," he whispered against my neck, "we will pick up where we left off. I promise.”

I sighed as he grabbed his phone and answered it. As he spoke I tried to push down my frustration. Then his eyes met mine and he handed it to me. I didn't move off his lap, his arms slid around my waist as I pressed the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Nesta? Nes. I um. I know you're with Cass. But Tomas is here."

"What?" My heart stopped and Cassian's eyes went wide, "we'll be right there. Call the police Fey."

"Rhysand is going to kill him Nesta."

"Well would that be terrible? What does he want?" I pulled on a pair of shorts and changed into a clean shirt, before realizing it wasn’t mine. I couldn't think straight, I didn't stop to open my bag and find something of my own. My sister sounded more than upset on the phone.

"I don't know. Rhys won't let him in and I can't hear what they're saying. But Rhys is pissed Nes. Please hurry, Cass can probably calm him down."

Cassian grabbed my hand, "we're on our way okay? Just stay inside."

I hung up and Cassian grabbed his keys, "you're supposed to be resting."

"My sister needs me and Rhys needs you," I pulled on his hand, "it's been three days I'm fine. Let's go or I'll walk the entire way there."

Cassian rolled his eyes, "I can't promise you I won't hurt him myself. When I see him, I'll see you at the bottom of that hill, bleeding and barely awake. Nesta I will kill him if I get the chance."

I held onto his hand as he started the car, "Cassian. We can't be together if you go to prison."

He sighed, "you make a valid point."

Cassian got to Feyre's house in half an hour. Rhysand was outside, his arms crossed as the police talked to him. I didn't see Tomas anywhere. Feyre looked like she had been crying. I stumbled out of the car and went towards my sister.

"What happened?" I asked hugged her, supporting most of her weight.

"He ran off. He got into the house and told me he would find you. Then he ran off."

She hugged me tightly, "he doesn't know where Cassian lives. I'm safe with him I promise," I whispered as my sister pulled herself together, "are you okay?"

She nodded, "yeah. He just scared me."

I touched her cheek, "where did he go?"

Feyre shook her head, "he heard the sirens, Rhys must have called. I don't know one minute he was here and the next he was gone. But Nesta you should've seen him. He's completely gone I barely recognized him. All he wants to do is get to you. And now he thinks Cassian is the reason why you'll never love him."

I closed my eyes, "he's always been crazy stubborn," I whispered, "I guess now he's crazy and stubborn. Okay, come let's go inside. We're going to stay for the day."

"Stay the night," she said softly, "you haven't come to our house now that we're married. You haven't seen it all. Stay today and tomorrow."

She was begging me. Something about the way she was limping on her crutches and looking at me with glassy eyes I broke, "okay Fey. We'll stay the night."

Her smile lit up her still bruised face. I opened the door and once the officers were through the boys came in. Cassian came to me while Rhys finished helping Feyre sit down.

"They're going to keep a patrol car down the road to watch if he comes back," Cassian sighed, "I'm more than sure he went to the city, to look for you. Which means he'll try my place too."

"Feyre said we can stay," I leaned into him, something seemed off, "I've wanted to see this place for so long. She said we can stay the night if we want."

"It's probably safer. He won't come back here because he knows we called the cops.” Rhys spoke softly as Feyre held onto his hand. She was shaken, the last time something like this happened she had been hit by a car.

Cassian nodded. It was tight and I knew there was  something he wasn't saying. Something was bothering him. His brown eyes were dark, his hair fell in front of his eyes. His jaw was tense and even his hand against my arm felt different. I wanted to ask what was wrong but I didn't know how.

"You okay?" I whispered as Rhys fussed over Feyre's leg.

He sighed, "yeah."

"We don't have to stay," I wondered if that was the problem. If he was angry we had gotten interrupted. Then again I could've sworn he was about to pull away anyways.

Cassian finally brought his eyes to mine, "it's fine. I just didn't grab your medicine and I don't want to go back to get it. I don't like that he knows where we all live. I don't like that the police can't find him."

"I'll be fine without the medicine for a night, Cass. I'll take some Tylenol, that's all it really is. I just want you to relax," I pressed a kiss to his cheek and slowly he melted, "there's my favorite nurse."

He laughed slightly and wrapped his arms around me, "okay. I'm okay. Let's just focus on your sister."

Feyre clapped her hands, "perfect. We're taking you two out to eat at my favorite place."

We spent the day visiting Feyre. She showed me her house, she was way too proud of the place. But I understood, because what we had when we were younger was barely four walls that passed as a house. This place was beautiful and again Rhys was wrapped around her finger. He let her do whatever she wanted.

It was weird seeing them as a married couple in their own home. Probably because I had known them for so long it already felt like they were married. But it was nice. Seeing my sister happy, knowing she was safe here with her husband.

We didn't talk about Tomas. The only time he was present was in the soft and short questions Cassian asked me about my pain. It was manageable, I could've used medicine. But I needed to ween myself off anyways, so I didn't complain. Of course he saw me wince a few times when I sat down.

Cassian always saw everything. Because he barely took his eyes off of me to talk to anyone else. Commander Cassian was back, nurse Cassian must have been set home. He was on edge, as if he thought Tomas was going to come back here tonight.

Closer to evening we went to Feyre’s favorite restaurant. An Italian place just down the street. Cassian was quiet for most of the day, I could feel that same weird energy falling off of him. I laid my hand on his arm as we took our seats and he kissed my cheek.

At least it wasn't me he was upset with.

The waitress took our order and Cassian's hand found my knee, "so Mor found us today," I said softly, my sister’s cheeks flushing, "she wanted to apologize. Said you told her where I was."

My sister nodded, "I don't understand why she did what she did. Tomas didn't have anything over her. I thought I knew her but clearly I don't. I'm sorry Nesta. I didn't know she would go after you and Cassian."

"Or you and me. She wanted you to only see her. She never wanted me to make up with you. I don't want to hold a grudge, but I'll never be able to forget that."

Feyre reached across the table and took my hand, "I know Nes. And I wouldn't ask you to forgive her. You're my sister, I love you. What Mor did is terrible and I don't know if I can forgive her. But you and me, we're good right?"

I squeezed her hand, "yeah. We're good."

\---

After dinner Feyre got tired from hobbling around so Rhysand showed us to the guest room. Thankfully it was at the other end of the hallway. It was nice, clearly my sister had set everything up. I thanked him after he showed us we had our own bathroom. I yawned and he excused himself, telling us that there were extra clothes in the drawers.

I changed into something softer than my jean shorts, they had been rubbing my bruises all day. I didn't take off Cassian's shirt though. Then once we got settled into the room Cassian was restless. That weird energy was back full force and he wouldn't stand still. He paced back and forth, his hands shook as if he wanted to hit something. I winced as I tried to get more comfortable, we had left my medicine at home.

"Cass," I said his name but he didn't hear me. He was so caught up in whatever it was that was bothering him.

He slammed his fist into the door, hard enough to rattle the walls but it didn't go through. He cursed, slamming his hand against the wood again. My heart stopped, I had never seen him so out of control before. I would’ve been scared, this was the boxer I had never seen, but I couldn’t be afraid of Cassian. Because he was sweet and kind. There was something wrong.

And he had been there for me. It was my time to be there for him.

"Cassian," I stood up and he stopped pacing. He leaned his forehead against the door. I walked over and touched his shoulder.

When he turned to face me there were tears running down his face, "Cassian. Hey talk to me," I whispered softly as he slowly fell apart.

He grabbed my hand as he fell to his knees. He was crying freely now, and it scared me. He was always so put together, so full of himself and self assured. But there on his knees, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his face into my stomach.

"I almost lost you Nesta," his voice was muffled as I ran my fingers through his hair, "it didn't hit me until I saw Feyre, until Rhys told me what Tomas looked like. I don't know what it was, but I almost lost you. After I just got you back. I almost lost you because of him. And I realized if he had taken you away, I'd never get you back."

He took in a deep breath, "Cass," I pulled on his hair until he pulled away to look at me, "I'm still here. You didn't lose me."

He held me tighter, still on his knees. I guess taking care of me had distracted him, had made him bottle up his emotions. Because it's like the cap had popped off, in this moment he was holding onto me as if I was his lifeline. I took in a deep breath and held him the way he had held me so many times before.

"And the worst part is, he's still out there. I can't even protect you because I don't know where he is. I don't know if he'll show up when we're sleeping. I don’t know when he’ll try to take you away from me again. I promised to protect you and I don’t even know how.”

I pulled his arms from around my waist and knelt down in front of him. I put my hands on either side of his face and leaned in. Slowly I kissed him, soft and sure. To tell him I was here. To tell him I would always be here.

"You protect me every moment of everyday," I whispered into his lips, "because you love me. He will not hurt me again, Cassian. Because you taught me to defend myself."

He nodded, his tears slowing, "god you must think I'm a mess."

I laughed, brushing away a few tears, "usually I'm the one breaking down," I smiled as his brown eyes slowly cleared and he looked at me. His brown eyes were beautiful, "you're my mess, Cass. My heart, my soul. My warrior. And it's okay to break down sometimes."

His fingers wrapped around my small wrist. I leaned my forehead against his as the moment settled. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, "thank you."

"You never have to thank me for supporting you," I kissed him again as we stayed on the ground, "because you're always there for me. And I will always be here for you."

He nodded his head, "I love you. I just want to keep you safe. I want Tomas to be found."

I pressed my finger over his lips, "no more Tomas. No more wishing. I am safe here with you. We are letting it go and moving onto the future okay?"

He smiled, this time it reached his eyes, "whatever you say sweetheart."

Even as I said the words I knew they weren't true. I was being brave for him, I was being strong for my boyfriend. But I knew deep down inside my soul I would never be able to move on, I wouldn't be able to recover, to stop jumping at every shadow, until Tomas was found.


	18. Chapter 18

Cassian didn't falter after that night. A few days later and he was the same amazing man I had come to know. Still taking care of me even though the pain medicine had run out and I was fine. He was reluctant to let me go back to the bookstore, but I told him I was fine. I told him we had to at least try and pretend that life was getting back to normal. 

He wasn’t completely ready to let me go back to my life on my own. He still came to visit almost everyday in the afternoon on his lunch break.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy his company. I loved having his full attention.

After a few days of hovering he also went back to work. He went back to the gym and picked up with his training. Of course I think that helped him, taking his aggression out on the punching bags and his trainees. It helped him let go of his fears of losing me. Because he told me he always imagined Tomas at the other end of his fist now.

We resumed our lives, trying to forget about what Tomas had done. We started our life together, we were a couple now instead of strangers. I couldn't believe a few weeks ago I hadn't known Cassian. And now I couldn't see my life without him in it. I still had to thank Rita for introducing us.

I could feel my eyes ready to roll at how smug she would be knowing how easily I had fallen for him. 

Going back to work was bittersweet. Everyone had heard what had happened through the gossip mill. Cassian had to call in and tell them I wasn't coming in the day after the attack. So they knew my ex had basically tried to kill me. I got a few pity stares, a few questions from people who wanted to know the truth.

It was weird. How everyone already knew my story before I even told it.

But after the first day everyone decided it was old news. I was still the same old Nesta. The girl who preferred to work by herself and was usually found browsing books instead of stacking them. My coworkers lost interest easily and it was normal once more. Well normal except for the fact that everyone stared when Cassian came to visit me.

It made my heart flutter knowing every girl in that room was jealous of my boyfriend. Because he always found me in an aisle, took the book out of my hands and kissed me before ever saying a word. Then he would wrap his arms around me and ask if it was time for my break yet. Sometimes if he was in a really gushy mood he'd even buy the book I had been looking at and surprise me with it later. 

I knew I was lucky. I knew I didn't deserve someone like him. But I wasn't ever going to let him go.

Days passed and Tomas started to become a memory instead of a reminder. I still fell asleep at Cassian's house while talking to my sister on the phone. But I didn't jump at all the shadows anymore. Only some. Only when Cassian wasn't around.

Somehow life resumed. And once it did we decided to go up to the cabin for one last weekend three weeks after that run in with Tomas. Feyre was able to walk on her own and she said she wanted to have one last family outing there if we were going to close it up for the winter. So Cassian and I packed our bags and told my sisters we would meet them there.

A sense of deja vu settled over me as Cassian drove my car to the lake house. The music played as his fingers drew small circles on my thigh. The sun was shining, the world seemed to finally be turning in the right direction. But something still felt off. Something was still not right and I couldn't let go of everything that had happened.

I had slept at my own apartment last night, even though Cassian kept telling me he would come pick me up. It had been past midnight when I got off work and I still had to pack for today. So I told him to pick me up in the morning. Being the adorable man that he is he offered to spend the night with me.

I told him it was late, to sleep and I would be ready. I told him we needed to remember how to live the way we did before we fell into each other. We could still be independent.

But when I laid down I couldn't stop imagining Tomas touching me. I saw that evil smile, those confused eyes as he slashed the knife across my hair. I saw it all happen again and I couldn't stop it from playing like a movie inside my head. And once it started I couldn't fall asleep. It was around three a.m. when I thought about calling Cassian. I knew he would come.

But I forced myself to survive one night without him tangled up beside me. And I had survived, but I hadn't gotten any sleep. Cassian kept the bad dreams away. He was my warrior and I had let my stupid pride torture me last night. And now I was beyond exhausted, not sure how I really felt about going up to the lake house.

I blinked rapidly trying to stay awake.

"Nesta," I barely heard Cassian's voice, "hey. It's your favorite song.

The song I had loved ever since I had met Cassian started to play. I offered him a small smile and the music played but I didn't sing along. My heart wasn't in this moment and I wasn't sure why. I looked at my boyfriend, the man who had saved me from Tomas, the man who had saved me from myself. 

I still felt a million miles away.

"Hey what's wrong?" He asked as he turned down the music and his fingers pulled away from my thigh and then reached for mine, "you always sing along."

Tears filled my eyes and I had no idea why. I had been healing, my body wasn't as sore. But my mind, the nightmares, they had gotten worse in the last few days. Especially after Tomas showed up at Feyre's house and somehow got away again.

"Nothing," I forced the word out. I ran my sweaty palms over my thighs and shook my head, "nothing is wrong, Cass."

I could tell he didn't buy it. The car slowed down and Cassian pulled off to the shoulder. Once he put the car in park he turned to face me. He didn't say anything, he didn't have to. I broke the moment his brown eyes met mine. The tears started to fall as his hands came to frame my face.

"Nesta," his voice was soft as he pulled me into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I clung to him, "sweetheart talk to me."

I felt his lips against my head. After a moment I pulled myself together, "I'm sorry. I just. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

Cassian wiped a tear off my cheek, "talk to me sweetheart. Please I know you're still hurting."

After Cassian broke down I couldn't stop thinking about what he said. How broken he had been, afraid of losing me. No one had ever been afraid of losing me. Not the way Rhys was terrified of losing Feyre. Not the way I was afraid of losing him. It hit something inside my soul. Somewhere no one had ever gotten to before.

I told Cassian to move on because I needed him to be strong for me. I wasn't sure I could be strong for him. Tomas had rattled me down to my very core. I wasn't sure I'd ever stop thinking about how he came up behind me, how he touched me and pretended to be Cassian.

Cassian's meltdown had triggered my own I suppose.

I bit my lip, "I can't stop dreaming about it," I whispered softly. I didn't want to tell him that he couldn't keep the nightmares away. I didn't want to tell him no matter how hard he tried I still woke up screaming, "I hear him laughing, I feel him touching me."

His fingers pressed under my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his, "you're not alone, Nesta. You've got me. I promise you. I will keep you safe."

I nodded, "I know. And I'm sorry I can't feel excited for this trip. I just. The last time I was at this house I was tortured."

"I told Feyre this was a bad idea."

"No," I shook my head and grabbed his hand. I touched his cheek and he leaned into it. I sat up and pressed my lips to his, "I have to face my fears. I have to go back with you. I have to make better memories."

Cassian smiled, his forehead pressed against mine, "don't worry sweetheart. I've got an exciting weekend planned for us."

The way he spoke made my heart flutter. I had a feeling I knew exactly what he wanted to do with our weekend. I laughed as he kissed me once more and my heartache faded slightly. I sat back in my seat, Cassian lacing his fingers through mine, "okay. I think I'm okay. I'm back, I'm here in the car with you."

Cassian squeezed my hand, "whenever you start to wander, when you start to get scared talk to me. I'll listen. I'll never make you feel like you shouldn't be upset. You told me the same thing when I fell apart."

Cassian gave me that crooked smile, "if I'm your mess than you're mine," he tucked a strand of hair behind my hair and I couldn't help but leaning into him. I kissed his wrist and smiled back.

"Cass. No one has ever been scared of losing me. When you got upset, when you told me you couldn't bare the thought of him taking me away from you. I've never had that before," another tear slipped town my cheek, "you're truly my first for everything."

He leaned in and kissed me softly, slowly. Whispering the truth, he would always be afraid of losing me because I was his. I pulled away and he tapped my nose, "good. I want to be your first and last," he kissed my cheek, "I love you."

I leaned my head against his shoulder, "I love you too. I don't know how I ever found you, but I'm so glad I did."

Cassian pressed a kiss to the top of my head, "yeah. I'm happy I found you too sweetheart."

He started the car back up and then I wrapped my arm around his. I leaned my head on his shoulder, taking some of his strength as my own.

"I love you," I sighed as the fields passed us. I tried to forget running through them, trying to get to safety. I fought off the memories of fighting for my life, a knife sticking in my back.

Cassian pressed a soft kiss against my forehead, "yeah I'm pretty fond of you too," he whispered softly. 

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, my lungs filling with his cologne. I laced my fingers through his and listened to the music.

When we got to the house Feyre was waiting on the porch. She didn't have her crutches, but she was still walking with a limp. She waved as Elain and Az came out of the house. I noticed he was holding my middle sister’s hand, her cheeks stained pink.

I guess while I had been caught up in my own drama, she had been finding her own life. Az was good, especially for her. He was quiet and loyal, he was perfect for Elain. He would protect her.

"Nesta!" Elain came and jumped into my arms, "so it's real this time right? You and Cassian?"

I laughed as Cassian grabbed our bags and looked at me with a smile, "yeah. It's real."

Cassian kissed my cheek as Feyre stood up, "Nes! I see nurse Cassian put you back in perfect health."

I blushed as Cassian looked down at my sisters. He was so much taller than all of us, "nurse Cassian was a pain in my ass. But he's my pain in the ass."

I leaned into him as I looked at Az. Elain stood closer, "you be good to her," I said softly, knowing everyone had been afraid of what I was going to say, "she deserves the world."

He slipped it arm around her shoulders, "I know. I don't know what she sees in me, but I'm one lucky bastard."

Elain giggled as she kissed him, Rhys coming to see why we were all standing on the porch. He pulled Feyre into his chest and we were officially home. This place didn't scare me as much now that we all stood there together. Because with Cassian, my sisters, and their significant others, I knew I was safe here.

This was our family. Nothing could break that.

\---

We found our way to a different room. Feyre let Cassian and I have the master bedroom. As far as I knew no one was staying at the one at the end of the hall. The door was closed and it was empty. I sat down on the bed and rolled my shoulders as my boyfriend put our bags by the door. He shut it behind him and walked towards the bed. Cassian knelt down in front of me, situated himself between my legs.

"Hey. You okay?" His big hands covered mine.

I nodded, "yeah. Just tired. I'm okay," I smiled as I touched his cheek, "Elain and Az. I never saw that coming."

He laughed, "really? I saw the way Az looked at her the last time. He was already gone."

I bit my lip, my heart hammering in my chest, "Cass. I know I said I'm okay, and I am. But I need you to just. Push me this weekend. If I'm scared don't baby me. Tell me to get over it okay? I want to stop remembering what happened to me."

Cassian nodded slowly, "I promise," he leaned in and framed my face with his hands and then pushed me back on the bed, "how about I start with making an impression."

I giggled as he started to kiss down my body, pushing me into the mattress as he hovered over me. I smiled, his lips soft and tickling against my skin. My mouth fell open as his fingers slipped under my shirt. I closed my eyes, his touch setting me on fire. He had been so afraid to touch me these last weeks, seeing the bruises that littered my skin. This was refreshing, picking up where we had left off felt so good.

"Cass," I ran my fingers through his long hair, his mouth getting further down my body. I shifted my hips, telling him where I needed him to go.

"Patience grasshopper," he laughed against my skin, "I'm getting there."

Right when he slipped his hand under the waistband of my jeans, a gasp escaping my throat, my cell phone rang loudly. I whimpered when he pulled away, "no," I tried to pull him back, kissing him softly, "I don't want to answer it."

Cassian laughed against my mouth, "you should," his finger swirled around my thigh, "it might be important. Don't worry, we can pick up where we left off."

His lips connected with my neck as I sighed and answered the phone, "hello?"

"Ms. Acheron? This is detective Amren."

"Detective hi," Cassian kept sucking on my skin making it hard for me to concentrate. He bit down gently on my throat, I forced down a moan, my eyes rolling backwards as he slipped his hand back where it had been between my thighs. His fingers inched closer to where I needed them to go. I could barely concentrate on the phone pressed up to my ear.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I only need a moment of your time. I just wanted to let you know that Tomas Mandray has turned himself in."

My heart settled and a million weights were taken off my chest. I pushed Cassian away, sitting up straight, "he has? Oh thank god."

"Yes. Someone helped us find him and he's been detained. I'm sure you have more of a piece of mind now that he's off the streets."

"I do. Thank you. Thank you so much."

I hung up with tears in my eyes. Cassian reached for me, "what is it? What's wrong?"

I guess we were used to getting bad news because he looked about ready to be sick. But I felt into him, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly. Cassian's heart was racing.

"They got him," I whispered softly as we sat there on the bed. The world started to turn in the right direction, my heart didn't hurt as much anymore, “Tomas turned himself in."

Cassian relaxed under my hands, "thank god."

I nodded, his arms coming around me and hugging me tightly. I could breathe, the air filled my lungs and cleansed my soul. Tomas wasn't roaming the town looking for me anymore. He couldn't hurt my family, he couldn't hurt me again. Somehow that sentence finally reminded me how to live. How to stop being afraid and to start being myself again.

I arched my back up, my hips hitting Cassian's. He pushed me back down against the pillows, his hands going towards my jeans. I giggled as we picked up exactly where we had left off. Cassian's mouth on mine, my back pushed into the mattress.

Cassian's name a prayer falling off my lips as he loved me.


	19. Chapter 19

Feyre and I healed more together at the lake. One weekend turned into us deciding to stay for a full week. Each of us took off and decided we needed this time together after what we had been through. My sister and I needed it the most. Our bodies healed faster than our minds. She took a little longer, her leg giving her problems every so often while it healed. Both Rhys and Cassian were still mother hens.

They were pains in the asses, Rhys still acting as if Feyre couldn't walk on her own even though she had been off crutches for a while now. Cassian was sweet but he pushed me more than he did when we were alone. I knew it was because he was afraid I would let the horrible memories of this place take over. So he did what he could to try and keep those memories away.

And he was pretty good at distracting me.

After we celebrated Tomas being caught, Cassian and I spent most evenings in our room, catching up for lost time. I learned more about my actual boyfriend while we were wrapped up in the sheets. We found a lot of excuses to be alone, but then again so did my sister and her husband.

I rolled over, Cassian was drifting off beside me. It wasn’t quiet nighttime yet and when I looked out the window, I heard my sister laughing. Az and Elain were out by the lake, their feet in the water. It wasn't warm enough to swim anymore, but it was warm enough to be out there. I was wearing Cassian's shirt, his fingers had stopped tickling my back a few minutes ago.

"Let's go join them," I whispered to his sleeping body. He mumbled something and buried his nose in the pillow. I sighed and grabbed my pants. I got dressed, still wearing his shirt, and then kissed his cheek before walking down the stairs.

Az jumped as I came out and sat down beside him. It had been a few days since I had a chance to ask them the sisterly questions. I smiled at them both, watching Elain giggle, her hand covering the one Az placed on her thigh.

"So I guess it's my turn," I smiled at them, "to be the big sister. What are your intentions with my baby sister?"

Az was nervous, his eyes went from me to Elain and back again. His throat bobbed, "I'm infatuated with her. I'm so totally in love with her and I intend to show her that every day. It's weird, starting as friends and turning to lovers. But I have never laughed as much as I do with her, or known true beauty until she showed me how to see it."

I smiled as Elain's mouth fell open, "Azriel."

He turned to look at her, "its true E. we've known each other for so long, you've always been like my little sister too. Except more. Because I know you. I felt protective for other reasons. And now. Now I'm in love with you and I never want it to end. I never want to let you go."

She leaned into him, kissing him softly, "I love you too," her soft voice picked up, "thank you. For being there when I didn't have anyone else."

I cleared my throat, "so how did this happen then?"

Elain pulled back and Az sighed, "after you were attacked and Feyre was in the hospital Elain came to me. Everyone was fretting over you and she was just upset and I listened. I held her while she cried. And then Cassian asked us to get your things when you were home and I just couldn't wait any longer. I kissed her and there was no going back. Best decision of my life."

Elain giggled softly, "we were standing in your room and Az was just watching me gather stuff up. I had never seen your place and I was getting a little nervous because I didn't know what you wanted. Then his big hand took the bag from me, my eyes filled with tears found his. Suddenly he leaned down and kissed me. When I pulled away he said 'do you think I could take you on a real date?' I had no idea that's what he was thinking."

I smiled, "well I’m happy you're happy."

"We're so happy, Nesta. I promise." Elain wrapped her arm around his big muscle, "where's your shadow? Cassian barely lets you out of his sight these days."

I laughed, "we had to celebrate earlier. Tomas turned himself in. He's sleeping now."

Elain blushed but Azriel touched my arm, "I'm glad he's finally getting what he deserves."

"Yeah. Me too."

Elain whispered something in Az's ear. His cheeks blushed but he nodded as arms wrapped around me. Cassian kissed my cheek, "the bed was empty, for a moment I thought you were just using me for my body."

I giggled as he sat down behind me, pulling me into his chest. "Maybe I am."

His voice was soft as he whispered, "well from the way you sounded earlier I think I'm doing a good job."

I rolled my eyes, "you made me wait so long," I answered before kissing him, "it was frustration."

He laughed, "right. I think you called me God a few times."

"Cassian," I squeaked as he pinched my waist. I hadn't realized that Elain and Az were gone now. I shook my head, "so cocky."

"You love it."

"I love you," I said as I turned to look at him over my shoulder. I pressed my lips to his, kissing him as the sun started to set over the water. And I knew that after everything we had been through we had found something to fight for. We had found each other and in a way it had all been worth it.

\--

"Nesta. Wake up," I groaned as Cassian pushed my cheek with his nose. I inhaled his scent, sandalwood, the charred remains of a burning fire. I smiled despite myself, "it's raining."

I opened my eyes and sighed, "good. Then I can keep sleeping.”

We had spent the day before hiking. Up and down trails I was sweating buckets by the time we got back. I was so tired I didn’t even want to eat dinner. It had been fun, Feyre and Rhys were so excited to find a place to sit and look at the beautiful sights we had forgotten were here. Cassian held my hand, he even carried me on his back a few times.

I had been so tired I passed out right after dinner. I fell asleep on the couch, Cassian had to carry me to our bed. My body was still sore from all the walking we had done and I didn’t appreciate him waking me up. I groaned as his nose hit my cheek again.

"No sweetheart wake up," he pushed my hair out of my face and kissed my cheek, "I miss you."

I laughed slightly as his big hand touched my waist, "Cass. It's raining, we can't do anything outside. Why are you waking me up?"

He pressed a kiss against my collar bone, to one of the scars that would forever remind both of us of that terrible day, when Tomas had almost won. I turned so I was facing him now, my legs tangled in the sheets. His shirt was twisted around my body. I only slept in his clothing now. I could only fall asleep in his bed too.

"Because the others went into town. Feyre wanted to go shopping but I said to leave you sleep and we'd meet them if you wanted to," he kissed my jaw, "do you want to?"

I shook my head and he rolled over me, "no," his hand went down my side. The tips of his fingers pushed aside his shirt. I smiled, already knowing where he was going, "I don't want to leave this bed."

I opened my legs and Cassian settled into his favorite position. He kissed me, my fingers going to his hair as the rain fell down outside. The cabin was different. It held painful memories. Feyre had given Cassian and I the master bedroom. I was still healing from the nightmare that I had endured. But with Cassian above me, with Cassian holding me while I fell asleep, it was easier to move on.

It was easier to remember that I was safe.

"Nesta," he rolled his hips and I gasped. He buried his face in the crook of my neck, "god I love you. So much, Nesta."

I smiled as I waited for him to look at me. When his eyes met mine I held them, "I love you too Cassian."

And we spent the day tangled up together chasing away all the nightmares Tomas had bestowed on both of us.

Everyone got back from shopping in the early evening. Someone knocked on our bedroom door, wise enough not to open it, and told us to be ready for dinner in half an hour. We were supposed to be dressed, in something nice. It had stopped raining and Feyre wanted to have dinner on the deck. Apparently she had something she wanted to share with everyone.

I sighed, untangling myself from my boyfriend. Cassian didn’t move as I stood up and the sheet fell away. His shirt had been thrown across the room earlier, I had no idea where it went. But I wasn’t shy with him, not anymore. He had seen the worst of me, in all the ways he never should have, and he was still here. He still chose me.

I pulled on a nice dress and then plugged in the curling iron. I didn’t feel like getting a shower, so I was going to have to actually try for my appearance. I sighed as Cassian stood up, the sheet falling off his waist as he went to the bathroom and shut the door. My cheeks were pink when I turned back and looked at myself in the mirror.

How had one weekend of bribing this man to be my boyfriend, turn into this? It was a story I would sell, one I would tell my children that’s for sure. It was crazy to realize that taking a chance with Rita’s friend had given me Cassian. I was beyond lucky, beyond amazed to find that man still beside me. After everything Tomas had put me through, after everything I had put Cassian through, he was still here.

I finished getting ready and put on some makeup. I wanted the others to believe we hadn’t spent all day in bed. Even though I knew they already knew that. The shower was still on when I slipped out of our bedroom and went downstairs alone. I could smell Rhysand cooking my sister’s favorite and my mouth watered. We hadn’t come up for air all day, which meant I was starving.

“Something smells good,” I saw Elain holding a wine glass, but Feyre was not. I raised an eyebrow, my sister always had wine when we gathered here. 

Feyre handed me a glass and smiled, “I see you and Cassian found something to pass the time doing while we were in town.”

I rolled my eyes, “he wouldn’t touch me for the last month because of the bruises, because I winced every time he held me too tightly. We’re making up for lost time.”

My sister laughed, “hey if my boyfriend looked like him shirtless I wouldn’t leave the bed either.”

“I heard that,” Rhys called out from the kitchen.

Feyre giggle, “don’t worry honey. I love the way you look.”

He mumbled something and I shook my head, “so what are we celebrating now? Did you buy something super expensive at the store?”

She rolled her eyes, “during dinner,” she tapped my cheek and went into the kitchen. I looked at Elain. She shrugged and leaned into Az who had his arms around her waist. Ever since they told us they were dating the two couldn’t be separated. I wondered if Cassian and I were that sickening.

Just as the thought entered my head and I finished my wine, Cassian’s arms came around my waist. I laughed, realizing we were that bad with PDA as my sisters. I sighed, I had become that girl. But it’s okay because I would be that girl for Cassian. 

“You didn’t wait for me,” he whispered in my ear, his breath hot against my neck. I could smell his aftershave, his hair still damp. I leaned into his chest, flashes of our afternoon rolling through my mind. I wanted to spend the evening doing what we had been doing, instead of playing dress up at dinner.

I turned around in his arms and smiled, “we were told to come up for air,” I whispered leaning in and kissing him, “and now I think dinner is ready.”

Feyre called everyone into the dining room just as Cassian let out a laugh. We all gathered around the table, taking the seat beside our partner. I let out a sigh as we scooped food onto our plates and then we started eating. My stomach growled as I took a bite, everyone laughing at how hungry Cassian and I were. I rolled my eyes, but I laughed with them.

This was nice. It was a real family dinner we hadn’t had in a very long time. Our mother would’ve been so proud to see her three daughters happy and getting alone. Because I loved my little sisters, but we had never been happy together. Not as happy as we were now. It was bittersweet to realize it took something as traumatic as Tomas, as lying about Cassian, to bring this moment into being.

But I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Because this moment, finding my sisters again, was worth all the heartache and pain I had suffered.

We were halfway through the meal, my second plate was almost clean, when Feyre looked around, a happy smile on her face. There was something different about her, something that seemed off. Not off in a bad way, but just different. My sister looked truly happy, she looked like she was… glowing.

"Okay so I have an announcement," Feyre tapped her wine glass and then stood up. She moved easily around now, she had been off her crutches for a month now. She looked so much better. We were finally moving on from what Tomas had done.

Cassian put his arm around me, Rhys leaned into Feyre. I caught Az and Elain getting closer together out of the corner of my eye. We had all found someone who offered us more than just a moment of happiness. They wanted to share a lifetime of happiness with us. It was surreal, this time last year we were all so different. And now here we were, together again. With men who loved us for who we are.

Feyre set down the glass and looked at Rhys. Then she laughed, ”I’m pregnant!"

My mouth fell open and I laughed. I stood up first and grabbed my littlest sister pulling her into the tightest hug I could manage with Rhys’s hand on her waist, "of course you are."

She laughed as she hugged me back, "I found out when I was hit, but um. They weren't sure what was going to happen. The baby was still so small. They weren't even sure… But everything is okay," she touched the tiny bump I had missed, "they're strong and they're still here."

Tears filled my eyes as I looked at the new parents, "that child is so lucky. More lucky than they'll ever know."

I hugged Rhys and then Elain wanted a turn. It was bittersweet, growing up and realizing we were doing these things on purpose now. It was nice, having a relationship with my family again. I had missed them more than I thought possible. I wiped away a tear and turned to find Cassian watching me.

He smiled, he seemed more relaxed now that Tomas had been found. He was the man I had met at the diner again. Full of stupid jokes and innuendos that made me blush. He was my best friend, he was my person. And I would be forever grateful to the powers that be that fought for us to be together.

"Nesta," I couldn't stop smiling as my sisters and Rhys fell into their own conversation about the baby. They were talking about the sex and if they had talked about names yet. I took in a breath as Cassian came to me, his hands sliding up my hips, "dance with me."

I hadn’t even realized someone had turned the stereo on after Feyre told us abut the baby. Cassian’s eyes were bright and I couldn't refuse him. I followed him out into the grass as the music slowly changed. He lifted a hand up and ran it through my still short hair. The hair Tomas had butchered when he tried to take me away.

"Don't say it," he whispered as he leaned in closer, "that bastard will never win. You look beautiful Nesta."

I stood on my tip toes as we danced and kissed him softly, "thank you. For always seeming to know when I need you most."

His hands were warm on my waist, "Nessa. I want to ask you something."

"Hm?" I was so happy in his arms I didn't want to leave. Here at the cabin where so many terrible things had happened, Cassian was my safe place. He would always be my safe place.

"Move in with me," his deep voice was filled with fear as I stopped dancing and looked up at him. My mouth fell open, his hands still held me. I felt my lips twitch, trying to form a smile as I realized this was actually happening.

"What?"

Cassian's thumb brushed my bottom lip, "you practically live at my place anyways, but I want to make it official. Tomas almost took you away from me and I just. I want to take care of you Nesta. I want a life with you. I love waking up beside you, even when your cold feet press against me. I love hearing that little gasp you make before I pull you in and kiss you at night. I want all my moments filled with you," his eyes had turned golden in the sunlight, "I want you in my home, my heart, my bed, my life forever. I just want you, Nesta."

I smiled, tears choking me, "okay yeah," I laughed at how awkward I was in this moment, "I want to live with you Cassian."

He didn't say anything else. He leaned in and kissed me as I heard my sister’s squeal in excitement. Feyre came running over, Elain beside her as they pulled us apart. Her eyes were shining with questions.

"Did he ask you?"

I nodded. Cassian slipped his arm around my waist.

"Ah! You said yes!" Feyre clapped and hugged me, "I'm so happy for you Nesta. Cassian asked me if  I thought you would get scared or pull away. But I told him after everything you two did to be together I knew you wouldn't."

I wiped away a tear, "looks like we're both starting a new chapter in our lives," I touched her stomach as Cassian talked with Rhys, "thank you Feyre. For always believing in me."

She kissed my cheek, "thank you big sister. For being here, even when I know you didn't want to be."

The serious moment passed, but it was one I needed. One both of us needed to truly feel like we were moving on. Our song started to play and I grabbed Cassian's hand. I pulled him away from our family and made him dance with me again.

Whenever Cassian looked at me I felt like the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I felt like I was on top of the world. I guess that's what makes it love. Knowing no matter what, no matter how hard it gets, at the end of the day that person will always be there for you. 

I leaned in close and swayed my hips in his hand, "my bedsheets smile like you... I'm in love with the shape of you..."

I sang to him, this time as my boyfriend, my person. I sang to him and I knew that everything was finally how it should be. Everything in my world was perfect. And if this was all a dream I never ever wanted to wake up.


	20. Chapter 20

Living with Cassian was perfect. He was sweet and he was mine. He came home from work and we made dinner together. He never told me it was my place to clean up. We fought, of course we did. We were good at fighting. But we always made up, we never went to bed angry with each other. And making up was becoming one of my favorite activities.

I loved learning new things about him. Like his obsession with war novels, or that he slept with only a sheet and left me all of the blanket. In the mornings he usually woke up before me and went for a run. He slipped back into bed before I was even awake. Sometimes he would wake me up by pressing kissing all along my body.

Falling in love with Cassian was an everyday adventure. I thought there was one moment when I finally loved him. But every day he showed me something new I fell deeper in love with him. I looked at him and I saw my future, I saw my life beside him. There wasn't anyone else as beautiful, as kind and sweet as this man here beside me.

How I had gotten so lucky I wasn't sure. My track record proved how terrible I was at choosing men. But Cassian was the exception. 

Elain and Az had finally told us all they were officially engaged. Seven quiet months of them dodging our questions and they finally broke. But they were adorable. Shy and awkward, always afraid to let others know how much they truly cared. I was happy for both my sisters. We had all finally found someone who made us smile.

We had been in the waiting room for over eight hours. We hadn't been allowed back to see Feyre, but Rhys came out and gave us an update every once and a while. She had started pushing five hours ago. 

"Remind me not to have kids," I leaned into Cassian and he pressed a sleepy kiss to my forehead, "if it takes this long for them to arrive."

He laughed, "I want kids one day. One or two. I didn't have any siblings, I was lonely. I wouldn't want that for my kids."

The way he spoke, soft and slow, I knew it was the truth. I looked at him, my fingers lacing through his, "you do? Want kids?"

He shrugged, "I never thought I'd be a good dad. But something changed this last year. I think kids would be fun. I think yeah, I'd like to give it a try. What about you?"

I smiled. I never wanted kids. Not until this very moment, "I always thought I'd end up alone. I never thought about it. But I think. I think I'd have kids. Not like, right now or anything. But. Someday, when everything is right… and with you.”

Cassian smiled as he pulled me closer, "I love you."

I nuzzled his chest as I rearrangement myself to sit closer to him. I was exhausted, but I wanted to meet my niece or nephew before we left. Feyre had called me crying, saying the baby was coming and she wanted us here. I wasn't leaving until the baby was born. My baby sister needed me.

"It's a boy!" Rhys voice hit me right before I closed my eyes. I jumped up as Cassian grabbed for my brother in law and hugged him tightly, "I have a son."

I laughed when it was my turn to hug him, "can we see them?"

"Of course! Feyre's been asking for you two," he looked at me and then Elain.

Elain had been leaning into Az, both of them talking quietly together. Elain’s ring was beautiful, it was shaped like a rose and sparkled under the hospital lights. I couldn’t stop watching them, amazed at how they seemed to fall together. It seemed weird how last year I thought him and Mor had been the cutest couple ever. But I realized now that hadn’t been a balanced relationship. He had always loved her more and now I could see how much he adored my sister. I could see how she felt for him whenever they looked at each other.

They were a perfect match. I couldn’t help but wonder if Cassian and I looked like that.

I grabbed my sister’s hand as we stood up and Cassian fell back to stand with Az. We walked in together, Feyre beaming through her exhaustion. She looked tired and worn down but even in this moment she looked beautiful, holding the tiny little bundle in her arms. He had dark hair, hair from his father. But when he opened his eyes, they matched ours.

"He's beautiful," I whispered as I touched his cheek, "oh Feyre. I'm so happy for you."

"His name is Ash. Ash meet your aunts.” I smiled down at him, so full of love and adoration I couldn't tear my eyes away. Feyre held him up towards me, "take him."

I lifted the baby into my arms and then Cassian was beside me. There were tears in his eyes as I bounced the boy lightly. He didn't cry, he looked up at me in wonder. He was so innocent, so full of potential that my heart squeezed inside my chest. This was the wonders of the world, a tiny baby entering the world.

A lump formed in my throat as I looked up at Cassian, his eyes as wide and as full of light as mine. Maybe this was what we were all searching for. Maybe this was where we were all supposed to end up. Holding the hope of a better future in our hands. In they eyes and the smile of a new born baby.

I looked back down at him and he smiled, “hi. You're beautiful, Ash. And you are strong. You're lucky you got your parents."

Cassian put his hand under mine as I turned to face him. He let out a breath, "he's so cute," his deep voice was soft, Ash's eyes searching for him as he spoke, "I want one."

I laughed, Feyre and Rhys laughing with me. My eyes found Cassian's and I blushed, "well. One day."

He leaned in and kissed me before I handed the baby to Elain. Az came over and they shared a moment with our new nephew. Feyre was crying as she watched her son introduce himself to all the new and important people on his life. It was truly a beautiful moment. Rhys held her hand, half sitting on the bed with her.

"He's so lucky," I heard him whisper, "he's already loved by so many."

She nodded, her eyes finding mine, "yeah. He is."

The nurse came in once Elain gave him back and told Feyre it was time to try feeding him. Cassian all but ran out the door, Rhys laughing loudly at his pale face. I kissed my sister and then my nephew and told her we would be back to see him again tomorrow after we all got some sleep.

Her eyes fell on my hand, "I'm sorry I messed up your night."

I kissed her forehead, "you didn't mess anything up, Fey. All we were going to do was have dinner. But you! You just had a baby!"

She shrugged, "call me later. After tonight."

"Okay."

It was like she knew something I didn't. I sighed as I said goodbye to everyone else, hugging Rhys, and then I found Cassian outside the room. He took my hand and we made our way back home. 

“Ash is so cute," I said in the car, "the perfect blend of Fey and Rhys."

Cassian kissed the back of my hand, "yeah he really is."

“Earlier when I told you that I never wanted kids, that was the truth. I never thought I would want them. But now," I shrugged thinking about my sleepy declaration a few hours ago, "I don't want just anyone's kids. I think I can see myself having your kids.”

He looked at me and I smiled. I leaned against his arm and I felt his lips against the top of my head. Cassian drove slowly through the night, as if we had all the time in the world. And we did now that Tomas was truly gone. 

His trial had lasted forever. I had to testify, I had to tell my story to the jury. In the end that's what got him a longer sentence. The fact that I had almost died, my retelling of the horrors and the pictures they had taken at the hospital. The only reason I made it through that week, the longest week of my life, was because I had Cassian beside me the entire time.

Once he was sentenced, we stopped talking about Tomas. We moved on and our lives belonged to us once again. Every so often I had a nightmare. I would wake up and Cassian would have to calm me down, promising me it wasn't real. But I was still healing and we both knew one day I wouldn't ever dream about him again.

The house was quiet when we got back. I smiled at my boyfriend. This was our home, our life. My sister just had a baby. My sisters were back in my life. I was more than happy at where my life had ended up.

"Nesta," Cassian said my name softly before I went to the bedroom to change. I pulled my dress off and swapped it out for my favorite shirt of his. I couldn’t sleep in anything else. It was soft and fit perfectly against my body. It smelled like him, and when the smell faded I made him wear it for a day and then give it back to me. He was my home, this shirt was my reminder of that.

I sighed as he called for me again. When I turned I found him staring at me. His hands were in his pockets, but there was something weird about his gaze.

"I um. I had this big night planned before Feyre called. But now I realize this is perfect, you standing here in our home. Wearing my shirt. I don’t need a big fancy dinner to do this,” he seemed nervous and ran his hand through his hair. He took a step forward, “Nesta. This was always just a house to me until you moved in."

I smiled as he closed the gasp between us and took my hand. I stayed quiet as he went on, "our love story is one that doesn't make sense. But it's ours. I love you Nesta. Even when we fight there's no one else I'd rather make up with. You're my heart, my soul, my warrior. I don't need everyone to know that, or have everyone here to declare my love for you."

My eyes filled with tears, "Cass."

"Shh," he gave me that crooked smile, "for my entire life I've tried to become better. My parents never cared. You've seen the scars. I never thought someone could love me, not when my own parents tried so hard to break me. But then I met you and our hearts and our souls knew we would need each other. So I guess what I'm trying to ask you is," he knelt down on one knee, “will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?"

I gasped, my hands flying to my mouth. Cassian was holding a beautiful diamond ring in his hand. The light scattered across the room as it caught on the stones. It looked old, as if it had a story that had been told and was going to hold ours now too. I couldn't stop the laugh, the tears as I nodded my head.

"Yes. Yes I'll marry you."

He slipped the ring on my finger and I pulled him into me. I kissed him hard, my arms going around his neck. When he pulled back Cassian looked like a little boy who had gotten everything he could ever possibly want.

"You know this means you're stuck with me," I whispered between kisses. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his smile as big as mine, "I'm your mess now."

He laughed against me, "I think I'm okay with that. I love you, my beautiful little mess."

"I never thought we'd end up here," I whispered brushing my thumb over his bottom lip. My eyes searching his for any fears. When I didn't find any I knew this was the man I was supposed to be with. Always and forever, "but I'm sure glad we did."

"Me too sweetheart. Me too."

I kissed him softly. My ring sparkled in the light of the dining room. It was beautiful and I couldn't tear my eyes from it. He had done amazing, he was amazing. I was truly in awe of the man who had just asked me to be his wife. The man who wanted to spend his life with me.

I never knew where my life was going. But now I was happy, now I knew nothing else mattered as long as Cassian was still beside me. If he was here with me then I knew that life would be more than just beautiful; it would be perfect. 


	21. The End

**Four years Later**

Little Logan Viviana Moten was born kicking and screaming at two am on a cold February morning. I was in labor for over fourteen hours, she didn't come quickly. Cassian held my hand the entire time, even when I cursed him, telling him I hated him for wanting kids. I told him he wasn't allowed to touch me ever again. That made the nurses laugh. Still Cassian never faltered. He wiped my forehead with a cloth before he kissed my cheek.

He was my husband and he knew I needed him there beside me. I was panting and sweating and he still told me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"You're doing great, Nessa. So good sweetheart," the contractions slowed as Cassian pushed my hair away from my face, "just think we're going to leave with a baby. A little baby we made."

A tear slipped down my cheek, "Cass. I can't. It hurts." I leaned into him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, "please. Make it stop."

"You can do this. You're strong. You're my Nesta. My warrior."

It was Cassian's sure voice, his steady heart beat underneath my ear that pulled me through. He was so confident in me I couldn't help but believe in myself too. A few hours later Logan came into the world crying, her lungs made of steel. Cassian told me she must take after me. I smiled as he cut the chord and then the nurses swaddled her in a pink blanket. They cleaned her up and then brought her back over to me.

I held Logan first, her big blue eyes matched mine. But her hair, it was wild and crazy like her fathers. I could see him in her every feature and I was already so in love. She had been created from the best parts of us, she had grown underneath my heart. Now she was here in my arms as everything I never knew I wanted.

"She's beautiful," Cassian murmured before he placed his finger against her tiny cheek. His eyes were bright, he looked at her in wonder. The only other time he had looked like this was the day he asked me to marry him. The day I told him yes to forever, "just like her mom."

I shook my head, "she looks like you," I whispered softly, "she'll have you wrapped around her finger in no time."

He laughed and then leaned down, pressing a kiss to my forehead, "I'm going to tell them all we have a daughter."

Everyone was there waiting. Feyre and Rhys came in first with little Ash who was growing like a weed. Az was there with Elain who's own stomach had just started showing a few days ago. Little Logan was going to be so loved, with a cousin who would do everything for her. And another baby cousin on the way. I wanted them to be friends, best friends. I wanted them to be more than family.

The way I was now with my sisters. 

Everyone passed Logan around while Cassian perched on the side of my bed. He held me close to his side as I watched my daughter get acquainted with her new family. Tears filled my eyes as I laced my fingers through my husbands. It was all too much, this moment was one I never saw coming.

"Did you ever think," I whispered as Elain held Logan against her baby bump, giggling as Az leaned down over her, "that surviving Tomas, surviving the storm that was our beginning, we would end up here? Married, with a baby girl?"

Cassian laughed, his fingers coming up to brush against my cheek, "I know I wished for us to end up here. I wished to find a way to be in your future, even before Tomas tried to take you from me. The moment I sat down across from you in that diner I knew there was no one else worth my time, Nesta. You won my heart with a flip of your hair and those steel blue eyes."

I blushed, "yeah well. You changed me. You tore through my thorns and I just. I love you Cassian. For giving me a life, a family. For giving me a home. Not a house, not four walls that keep us warm. You're my home."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine softly, telling me everything he couldn't form into words. I smiled as he pulled away, wiping a tear that collected at the corner of his eye, "I love you too sweetheart."

I was released from the hospital three days after I had her. Cassian wheeled me and Logan out to the car, putting her gently in the car seat and then helping me into the back with her. I was sore, more than just sore. I was exhausted and my body needed rest. They didn't tell you that after you had the baby your body hated you even more than before you gave birth.

I winced as I woke up, the house was quiet. The silence was strange. For the last two days I woke up to Logan crying. My chest was sore, another thing I was learning. When my chest hurt it meant she needed to be fed. I sighed as I looked over and found cassian's side of the bed was empty.

It took me a few tries to stand up. I had to use the nightstand for help. 

"Cass?" I went to the nursery, even though Logan had been sleeping with us. I opened the door slowly, the window was cracked. I shivered as the wind blew the curtain. The room was empty, my heart was pounding. Where was my husband? Where was my baby?

I stopped at the end of the hallway, laughter carried through the living room. Cassian was holding Logan in his arms, against his chest, dancing around the living room with her. He was humming, laughing as she cooed happily in his arms. He lifted her up, her nose touching his. She touched his cheek. 

He pulled her back down against his chest. Her body looked so tiny pressed against his. I smiled as she reached out and wrapped her tiny little fingers around his thumb. They barely even fit in her hold, but he didn't move. He didn't mind, I saw it in his eyes. Tears filled my eyes, my hormones were still everywhere. Cassian was already so taken with our beautiful little girl.

I wiped a tear away as he kissed the top of her head, covered in his dark hair. I melted as I watched my little family together.

"Look. Mommy," he stopped dancing and smiled when he saw me. Logan started to cry.

"She's hungry," I sighed as I walked slowly into the room. Cassian handed me the baby and then helped me sit down on the couch, "if I tell you I want another one please remind me how fucking sore I was in this moment. God I never want you to look at me again."

Cassian laughed, "I'm sorry sweetheart. That's why I let you sleep, I got up when she cried. I thought you needed the rest. I take it you aren't feeling a hundred percent yet?"

I groaned, "I need ice all over my body. I just shoved a baby out of my body, Cass."

He pressed a kiss against my neck, "yes. A beautiful baby. My baby."

"I would tell you to stop if I didn't love you so damn much," I sighed as he smiled against the inside of my neck and then kissed my jaw, "how is she so big already? It's only been five days."

Cassian laughed as he backed away, his fingers touching her dark hair. It was already so long, "I don't know, but we had a long talk this morning. I told her she's never allowed to date. And I already told Ash she's his responsibility. No boys allowed near her. Ever."

I laughed as I leaned back slowly, Logan still attached to my chest. It had been five days and yet we already found our rhythm. This was our home, four walls that kept our family warm. This was a dream I never saw of mine. One I never knew would come true.

I bit my lip and glanced at my husband. His hand was cradled under mine, helping me hold Logan against my chest, "Cassian."

"Hmm?" He was tired, he was barely sleeping checking on me and the baby every night. He never complained about changing a diaper or rocking her after she had been fed. He was my partner, my best friend. He was the best support system I could ever dream of having. I leaned my head against his shoulder, his lips automatically pressing against the top of my head.

"I love you. I'm happy," I whispered softly. My eyes closing as the sounds of the world rushed around us. But inside this house, the quiet moment of our life was the only thing I needed. 

"You've made me happier than I ever thought I'd be," he whispered softly, "you gave me a life, a home, a family. I love you, Nesta Moten."

His finger ran over my ring and I couldn't help but smile. I sighed as I opened my eyes and then Logan finished nursing. She pulled away and I pulled my shirt back down. I started to tap her back gently, burping her as I looked around the living room.

"This house is a mess." Logan started to fall asleep as I bounced her in my arms, "I need to clean it."

"No," Cassian shook his head, "you're sore. You rest. I'll clean it up."

"You're too good to me," I smiled as he kissed me and then stood up. He gathered up the blankets and toys that had been thrown around in the last few days. I heard him in the kitchen rinsing dishes and cleaning up the mess that had been forgotten when my water broke.

"Your daddy is the best male in this world. We both got lucky, Lu. He loves me and he adores you," I whispered softly as Logan opened her eyes and looked up at me. She was so beautiful, so spirited already. I couldn't wait until she had a bigger personality. Until she was old enough to hold herself up.

Logan fell asleep faster than I thought she would. She was usually fussy in the early afternoon, fighting sleep. She got that from her father too. I stood up slowly, trying not to wake her back up. I walked her back to her crib and laid her down. I stood there for a moment staring at her beautiful little face. 

I guess it was true, everyone had a paternal bone in their body. Because ever since I had given birth, I hated being away from her. I just wanted to stand and stare at her all day. I also couldn't help but feel a pang, like I wasn't as happy, as excited for this new adventure as I should be.

I was excited, I was happy. But I felt hollow now that she was here. As if when I gave birth to her she took my heart with her. I felt hazy, like I was seeing things through the fog.

"Hey," Cassian's voice made me jump, "Feyre and the gang are coming over. I know you didn't want to see anyone for a little, but they really want to help. I told them to be quiet and that you are not to lift a finger for dinner or anything. They want to help with Lu since I told them you're sore."

I sighed, "Cassian."

I walked towards him, he stood there in the doorway and I leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around me and that hollow feeling faded if only for a moment. I took in a breath, his scent filling my nose. For a moment I was taken back five years, to the very first moment I met him. When we were strangers pretending to be in love. When we were starting and everything was new and exciting.

And all those same feelings were still there. He still gave me butterflies. He still loved me as if it was our first time.

He tightened his arms around me, "I have to go to the gym to check up on how Az is doing managing the place since I've been gone. But I'll come home as fast as I can okay?"

I nodded, "okay. I'm going to take a nap."

"I'll tell Feyre to be quiet when they get here," he hooked his fingers under my chin, pulling my face up to his. He leaned in and kissed me softly, one of the sweet kisses I had grown so fond of whenever we fell asleep together. The kisses I woke up to every morning, pressing against my shoulder.

"I love you," I whispered softly.

"Love you too," he smiled and then we looked at our sleeping baby. She was perfect. She was ours.

Cassian squeezed my shoulder and then left for the gym. I yawned, cassian's shirt stretching over my still slightly swollen belly. I sighed, wishing I had the energy or the strength to work off the excess weight. But I was still too sore, so I tried to ignore the way his shirt rubbed my skin. I pulled on a pair of leggings before I laid back down on the couch.

\---

I woke up to a tiny hand smacking my face. The house wasn't quiet, but it wasn't loud. Again there wasn't a baby crying which startled me as I sat up and found Ash staring at me. His hand was getting ready to hit my cheek again. He stopped when he saw I was awake, his little blue eyes sparkled with laughter.

He pulled his hands back and clapped them together. "Aunt Nessa!"

He giggled as he climbed up. I let out a sob as he hit my stomach. He hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. He was big on affection. Probably because his parents didn't know how to keep their hands to themselves. Especially now that he was older. And since my sister had decided that she really wanted another one.

"Ash," I sighed, "hey buddy. I um. Can't hold you right now. Where's mommy?"

He pointed and then Feyre came walking into the room with Logan in her arms. I stood up too quickly, getting slightly light headed. I slumped at the weight of my chest and Logan's tiny face crinkled up. Feyre smiled when she saw me awake.

"I'm sorry did he wake you? Ash I told you to leave aunt Nessa sleep."

"It's fine. Its time to feed her anyways," I sighed as Ash giggled and tugged my shirt, reaching for me to pick him up. I shook my head, "Ash I can't. Not right now."

Feyre handed me my daughter and she attached to my chest instantly. I winced as her gums bit down and pinched me. Feyre picked up Ash and I let out a groan. She laughed, "what's wrong Nes?"

"I'm so tired. All I do is sleep and feed her. Cassian helps, he's truly amazing. He takes changing duty without even asking. Without ever waking me up. But. I just feel so... suffocated. I love her, with my entire body I love my daughter. But when will I feel like myself again?"

Feyre set Ash down and touched her cheek, "the first time she looks up at you and smiles. A real smile that isn't because of gas. Or the moment she sits up on her own. When you pick her up and she giggles as you kiss her cheek. The day she says mama. Those are the moments when you'll feel like yourself again."

My sister wiped away a tear as we stood there. She looked beautiful, put together and dressed in a pair of jeans and a peasant blouse. I was wearing Cassian's over sized shirt and leggings. My hair hadn't been washed in a week. I felt gross, I felt like a mess. My emotions, my hormones were making me feel so suffocated and crazy.

"You made this look so easy," I whispered as Logan pulled away and burped.

Feyre laughed, "I cried a lot to Rhysand. Who in turn held me and told me everything I just told you. You will feel like yourself again, Nesta. It's been five days, you're adjusting. And Logan is growing. My god she's already so big!"

"Yeah," I looked down at her and smiled, feeling my heart fill up, "she looks just like her dad. I see him in every feature on her face."

Feyre watched us, "she's got you in there too, Nes. The best parts of you and Cass."

Ash came running back into the room pulling Elain behind him, "aunt Lain here!"

Her hand was on her belly, which had gotten bigger. I smiled at my sister, who squeaked and reached for my baby. Elain was so good with babies I was surprised it took her and Az so long to get pregnant. We were all shocked they didn't have a brood following them around. Az was quiet but he was good with kids. Ash loved him more than any of us and I had a feeling Logan already had him wrapped around her tiny finger.

"Nesta! God look at you, you look great!" Elain giggled, "look at this baby, she's so big."

"She needs burped," I sighed and pulled my hair up into a messy bun. I felt overwhelmed again. I needed a moment alone, "I'm going to shower since you two are here."

"Yes go! Have an hour to yourself we've got the baby. And Feyre said she's making dinner. The boys should be home soon."

I nodded, "thanks guys."

I shut myself in the bathroom that was attached to our bedroom and tried not to cry. I wasn't even sure why I was crying again. Because Logan was fine down with her aunts. I would trust Feyre with her blindfolded if I had to. But my emotions were everywhere. I loved Logan, I was so excited for her to be here. And yet I felt so detached from myself. It was surreal, to feel like I was a different person.

I pulled my clothes off and avoided the mirror.  
I didn't want to look at my soft body now that my baby was here. Another tear fell down my cheek as I remembered the way I used to look. The way I looked when Cassian couldn't keep his hands off me. Now he left me in bed to tend to our daughter.

I washed my hair twice. There was baby drool and spit up in the rats nest. I felt better once I washed myself and shaved a few areas. Slowly I felt human again. I got out and pulled on a pair of jeans and one of my nicer shirts. I knew being dressed would help me feel more out together.

I was braiding my hair when the door opened. Cassian smiled when I turned around, "you look beautiful," he said softly as he stepped into the room. 

"My sisters gave me an hour to pull myself together. They have Logan," I sighed as he kissed my forehead.

"Who is happily asleep in her uncle Az's arms. If you think I'm wrapped, he's even worse."

I laughed, "yeah that little girl stands no chance of ever finding a boyfriend. The three of you will scare all the boys away."

Cassian had his hands behind his back as I finished braiding my hair. I let out a breath and then stood up. His brown eyes sparkled in the light of our room, "I have something for you."

"Cass."

He pressed a finger to my lips, "it's a tradition. My dad got my mom one when they had me and while my parents weren't amazing, this was something I wanted to do for you. I know you're feeling different. You just had a baby and you're adjusting. But I still love you," he pulled me closer and smiled, "I love your body, your heart, your soul. I love you. You're amazing, you're so strong. You gave life, Nes. You had my baby."

I smiled, he had read my mind without even trying. He wiped away my tear. He leaned in and kissed me softly, my hands going towards his neck and pulling us closer together. He pulled away before I had a chance to deepen the kiss.

"Here," he whispered, pulling his hand out from behind his back. He smiled, the black velvet box was small. My hands shook as I took it from him. I just kept staring, "we'll go on. Open it."

I bit my bottom lip as I pulled open the top. I gasped, there was a beautiful necklace inside with a tiny silver circle with Logan's initial engraved off to the side. It looked like an old wax seal and my eyes watered. There beside the cursive L was a small amethyst. The whole thing wasn't bigger than a dime and sat perfectly in the center of the silver chain. My eyes flashed to Cassian's.

"She was born in February. It's her birthstone. And someday when we have more," I shook my head, "we will add their names and birthstones to the chain."

"It's beautiful," I whispered softly, shaking my head, "I love it. I love you."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, smiling as he took the box and pulled away. I spun around so he could put the necklace on. I reached up and touched it, wishing I had his name engraved on there somewhere too.

"My name is on the back love," he whispered softly, as if he knew exactly where my mind went. Cassian pressed a kiss to the back of my neck. I shivered, then turned the circle over and there it was. Our names together, the date of our wedding beside it. I smiled, shaking my head and feeling lighter than I had before.

Standing there with my husband in our bedroom I felt slightly better. My body was strong, I had brought a new life into this world. My soft stomach would go back to the way it had been before. I wouldn't be stuck in this weird haze of emotions forever. Not as long as I had Cassian beside me.

He knew my love for old things. He knew my love for him and for our daughter. This was beautiful, one of my favorite things. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at Cassian, turning in his arms and knowing exactly how lucky I was to have him in my life. After Tomas, after the worst year of my life, finding myself here in my husband's arms was more than worth it all.

"You're beautiful," he said again, smiling, "even more so now than the day we met. You're my Nessa, my love. I promised to love you in our wedding vows, for the rest of our lives. I know you feel like you aren't as happy as you should be. But I know you. Logan is your heart and I am your soul. You just have to learn how to live with her out here in the world now."

I shook my head, realizing he was right. I brought my eyes up to his, "it still amazes me, how well you know my soul. I got lucky with you," I leaned it and touched his cheek, "I thank the stars for you every single night."

His deep laugh was my favorite sound in the whole world. Well that and our daughters little giggle, "you are my life. I will always be here for you."

He kissed my temple. He wiped away my tear and pulled me close, "now let's go steal our baby back."

I smiled as he laced our fingers together and then pulled me into his side. We walked into the kitchen, where dinner smelled amazing. Feyre and Elain were in the kitchen talking, stirring whatever was in the pot. Az had handed a wide awake Logan to Rhys, who was trying to calm her down. I smiled as I took my baby and she settled in my arms.

Cassian wrapped his arms around both of us, pressing a kiss to my head as I heard someone take the picture with their phone. I was still staring down at my daughter, feeling her father's heart beating behind mine. 

Standing there with my little family I felt myself piece back together. I felt like I was finally here in this moment, like this was exactly where I belonged. It might have taken everything I had inside me to bring her into this world. But now that she was here, now that we were finally together I knew I would do it all over again. If only to have this family. If only to give Cassian the most precious gift of all.

We had created a life together. This was ours, no one else could claim her. I was happy, more happy than I had realized a few hours ago. My heart felt lighter as I let go of my fears and doubts. I turned my face towards Cassian's, smiling once more as his eyes met mine. I knew as we stood there, he was making me a promise. He would never let us go. He would love me as hard as he always had. And we would both love Logan that same way.

Feyre took a second picture, the flash causing me to smile brighter. Because his was our home. This was my little family. We had made it through the hard times and now with our little girl we were going to find all the good times we could together. Cassian nodded, kissing me as our family sighed happily around us.

It was in that moment I knew I had everything I could ever possibly need. It was then and there I knew that the three of us would live happily ever after.


End file.
